I have been trying to figure out who I am for my entire life

[Moniker Pending]

Hello, everyone. When I first joined, I had indicated that I would like to use this forum as a resource in learning about myself, but that this would not be focused on while a FTM friend of mine (or, rather, more than a friend, at this point, as you'll find out soon enough) was needing help with surviving from day-to-day in the nightmarish hellscape for vulnerable minorities known as Saskatchewan Canada. As of right now, things seem to have calmed down for the moment; with the holiday season, he will have far fewer appointments in his current location, meaning he can keep his head down more often, and while it is still necessary for him to escape to the US in order to be treated like a human being with rights and whatnot (not that the US is ideal, mind you) he's also not completely surrounded by psychopaths, and is instead now getting help from people who can actually meet with him in person. As such, with the current situation having calmed down quite a lot, and myself having been able to have more than a few hours of sleep over the past week, I think now might be a good opportunity to focus on myself...

So, as the title states, I have been trying to figure myself out for a long time. My efforts to discover myself, along with my efforts to try to generally live a life that's actually worth living, have so far been stifled by so-called "help" which generally only pushes for me to have a life, regardless of whether or not it's worth living, and is even willing to sacrifice whatever value my life might have in order to secure the easiest possible path (for them, not for myself) which I can pursue in living said life. Such is the lot for an eccentric genius who contemplates one's own existence, I suppose, in most of the world (Have I mentioned that I've been looking at The Netherlands as a place I might move to, eventually? That seems like the sort of place where I would not be denied my life simply for trying to make said life my own, and worth living.)... Given the purpose of this site, however, I would imagine that the focus here would be mostly, if not entirely, on my gender identity. [Ahem]

As I've stated in my introduction thread, I have felt uncomfortable and "trapped" within my body for my entire life, feeling no connection to any part of it, and even resenting my body and what it is. While I would like to change the whole thing, however, there is the question of what I would like to change it into, and what I would identify with. I've sought help before in figuring out my gender, but unfortunately, even those who have experience in helping people with this seem to be taken off-guard when I tell them that I would like to know what I'm putting a label on before I pick a label. So far, I still use masculine pronouns, and I still use my deadname with those who know me, if only because I am not sure of what I would use in the place of such things; I do not believe I would miss them, after they are replaced with something more fitting...

Since I am still somewhat in recovery from the sleep deprivation, I do hope that the people here would not mind if I were to copy and paste my own words from another site, in which I throw in my own experience in response to someone's observation of how people will tell transgender children that they are too young to transition, then tell them when they are older that they are too old, and that they would have transitioned as children if they were truly transgender... Much of it will be a repeat of what I've said already, though it will also further explain some of the things I've mentioned:

I have hated my body, and the feeling of being "stuck" within it, since I was a child; such should have been easy to tell, given the way I always fantasized of becoming something else. My classmates in elementary school, even my friends, would poke fun at me for not behaving as a little boy ought to. I had told my mother that I thought I might be transgender, years ago; she did not believe me, thinking that I was such a model of masculinity (which she had only thought due to my body; my interests were more intellectual and artistic - AKA "nerdy" - than stereotypically masculine), and she also used my gay cousin against me, since the family "always knew" that he was gay. I had told her again, when I informed her that my AFAB boyfriend and I hope to eventually trade body parts, so that we might be able reproduce after transitioning (which means that my O blood type will come in handy)... She seemed so surprised, and shocked, to hear this. It would have hurt me, to know that she knew nothing of who I was, after all I had tried to tell her, but unfortunately, such is the case with everything else I have tried to tell her.

I will be 24 in a couple of days. My voice is deep enough that I could have, with training, substituted for Richard Sterban of the Oak Ridge Boys, and my vocal cords cannot produce a convincing feminine voice. I am large, broad-shouldered, and quite hairy.

(note: I have yet to choose my non-deadname, which is why I still use the name I was given at birth, though my boyfriend has ideas; I'm also still getting used to the idea of using non-masculine pronouns, and I am not sure if I would identify as female or as non-binary. I would like to understand what I'm putting a label on, prior to adopting a label.)

Finally, I am unsure of just how explicit I am allowed to be on these forums, but in a recent discussion I had with my boyfriend and a mutual friend (MTF, hasn't begun transitioning yet), regarding the health benefits of... self-pleasure, I had mentioned how it feels entirely wrong, and even somewhat painful, for me to attempt anything with my current equipment, that there is absolutely no feeling of pleasure there whatsoever (which one would not assume to be the case, given that the nerves in the rest of my body are so sensitive that I avoid wearing more than shorts if I'm in a place where I can get away with it, and even so much that the excessive body hair mentioned in the quote above is quite bothersome in and of itself), and so on. As I mentioned when I first joined these forums, the only thing I am certain of for what I would change any part of my body to is to change my male primary sex characteristics into female primary sex characteristics (in case it wasn't clear in the quote, giving birth is something I'd be interested in doing, if and when it becomes an option).

[VickySGV]

I am glad things have calmed down for your friend and that you can now concentrate on yourself. I hate to throw cold water on things, but the surgical aspects for body part trading may not be as immediately available as you are hoping, but do not let that get in your way from moving forward in your life.

[Moniker Pending]

I am glad things have calmed down for your friend and that you can now concentrate on yourself. I hate to throw cold water on things, but the surgical aspects for body part trading may not be as immediately available as you are hoping, but do not let that get in your way from moving forward in your life.

Ah, I am aware of this... Perhaps, there might be a way to preserve some parts after they are removed, so that they may be implanted after such an option becomes available, if it ever does. It might surprise the reader to know this, given how much of an effect testosterone has had on my body, but my own parts may need to be repaired prior to being implanted in him; I am unsure if they remain functional in terms of reproduction, after blunt trauma I had received as a child.

[bobbisue]

dear moniker I live in a small town in saskatchewan and have a relative in saskatoon who is ftm and i disagree that sask is hell on earth for trans people it as everywhere depends upon who you surround yourself with an getting the right doctors and therapists

Saskatchewan is the first provence to fly the trans flag over the legislatiure in canada try trans sask for advice in any problems you find here

bobbisue

[Moniker Pending]

Kind of off-topic, so I'll address this once, and then leave the issue alone...

dear moniker I live in a small town in saskatchewan and have a relative in saskatoon who is ftm and i disagree that sask is hell on earth for trans people it as everywhere depends upon who you surround yourself with an getting the right doctors and therapists

Saskatchewan is the first provence to fly the trans flag over the legislatiure in canada try trans sask for advice in any problems you find here

bobbisue

I'll just refer you to my other thread, then inform you that some similar things have happened since he got on a bus to Toronto, where similar things are still happening (though he's at least not completely surrounded by psychopaths). I'll just post one final update to that thread, when I get the chance; at that point, despite his immediate medical needs, it was obvious that he was never going to get any help there.