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confused ...


hdtconfusedsoul

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I'm so confused...I don't know who I am. I'm lost...I've been lost or confused for years.

I've started reading on androgynous and stuff but there's so much out there, I don't know where to begin.

Facts about me, I dress tomboyish , jeans, boots, tshirt, and ballcap...and until the last year I chopped my hair off. I've never liked girl clothes and no makeup etc. I've always been attracted to women, not so much men. The thing I hate most about myself are breasts. If I could chop them off I would. I've worn sports bras my whole life.

The sad thing is that I care so much about what my family thinks of me that I don't express myself ever. I don't have very many friends because I keep to myself because the judgement of being lesbian, blah blah blah. It doesn't help that my mother and some other family members are very disrespectful and obnoxious about them. I'm a very closed off person because of judgment that will come with it.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do or be. Any suggestions on things to read? I don't think I'm ready to talk to a therapist in person, and I'd never tell my family if I did.

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I think i understand your feelings even though mine bring me another direction. Funny how both FTM's and MTF's share so much. Perhaps it is because of our shared society. We live in a world where gender is supposed to be fixed. Your attraction to women is probably different from your issues with gender. I am attracted to women but am a woman.

I'm sorry your mother is so negative. Almost anyone who steps out of line due gender or sexual attraction issues is liable to that same difficulty. My family was certainly hurt when i came out. Now years later that has passed and i'm simply me again but different.

One thing i would caution against is the the word "never". I felt that. This part of me was to go to the grave unknown, but.....

Never is a long time and we change and get stronger.

I'm glad you found Laura's. As i read about others here and shared my journey various aspects of my life fit together. Soon i did a never. I went to a gender therapist and my wife knew i was going. It is an amazing journey through never land. Your not alone.

Hugs,

Charlize

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