Stalled in transition

[Cosmo]

I posted such a title on another forum. Without telling everyone how to build the watch to find out the time, when I realized I was trans and could wrap my arms around it I had the burning desire to fully transition. In the years that have passed being on hrt the raging inferno has turned into a small pile of wet smouldering ashes. My attitude now is,Eh, whatever.

I felt let down, betrayed and sucker punched from the back. I have invested considerable time and finances with people supposedly smarter than I to get an answer. I threw this topic up in a longer whimpering version on the other forum. An individual claiming to be a gender therapist replied by saying she has a small population of more mature (read old farts like me, lol) that she sees. Like me they also.appear to have stalled in transition. They.are happy with their life.as it.is.and have lost the conviction to proceed any further.

This person supppsed that once the brain attains a certain state, by finally changing and providing the correct bath of chemicals and/or hormones the need to physically transition is minimized or becomes a non critical issue.

I can actually understand and get my arms wrapped around that theory and it actually makes sense. Our brains are complicated. That would explain my lack of any dysphoria, how I'm able to be okay with being and presenting male, albeit a somewhat well.endowed soft curvy old guy.

Being stuck in the middle has been stressful, more so than before I realized I was trans. I knew I could not go back to my old life and survive the mental storm yet I lacked the conviction and resolution to proceed any further. I envy those that do, and I do wish I had it, but I know full transition would be something I would regret. At least now, for sure.

So after spending a lot of money and time I happen to be depressed one evening about what I am or what I can not make the decision to become, I throw it out on a forum and for freaking no charge, out of the blue someone I don't know from shinola provides an explanation of my life that allows me to move on.

How fortunate can one be.

[JJ]

I agree that there is a time when the brain balances and brings a time when we may be satisfied with the additional comfort that brings after a lifetime of inner storms. But I think there is also more to it than that.

Only a very small part of truly transitioning is about the physical stuff. And because it is a complex process that takes enormous energy to not only re-socialize and re-learn our place in society and where we fit but also to rebuilt an identity in a very real sense. Because of that I have had periods when I wanted to just stay where I am. Body dysphoria waned at times as did the need to make other changes.

But as time has passed -this month is the 5th anniversary of starting transition though hormones didn't start till March-I now feel as though much of that aspect of transition is behind me. I have an emotional and mental stability and peace I never even suspected could exist and I am comfortable in my world. Now I find the dissonance between who I am and the appearance of my body is growing again. Not in ways I can't handle but certainly causing me to want to complete this journey more than ever before. Even if it isn't perfect and doesn't function as fully as I want. There are challenges -there have been to every step in truth-and I can feel my mind starting to explore ways to surmount them.

Before this I needed a rest. I had worn out from the process. And that was okay. I guess I never went into this expecting to be able to finish the journey and told myself that anything would be better than where I was. Which was very true.

I also experienced a sort of let down for awhile after I had been accepted as male everywhere and even by those who had always known me. The excitement of those first "Sirs' was past. It became same old. And I had to adjust to that as well.

We are all different and so I can only relate what I felt and how it has been for me. My advise would be to not push yourself. Not demand of yourself. If you are comfortable and happy where you are then fine. It may change in time and that will be fine too. It is a process and a very complex one that can't be rushed.

One thing I would recommend is to get your T levels checked unless they have been recently. There are a host of things that can affect T levels such as thyroid or some supplements and lower T levels can cause depression for many of us.

Johnny

[Charlize]

"So after spending a lot of money and time I happen to be depressed one evening about what I am or what I can not make the decision to become, I throw it out on a forum and for freaking no charge, out of the blue someone I don't know from shinola provides an explanation of my life that allows me to move on.

How fortunate can one be.Maybe that blessing of simply knowing we are not alone gives us the opportunity to accept our situation."

I'm sure you are correct. Knowing that we are not alone can help us accept and find peace with ourselves. I know i will never be able to follow the path of some of my sisters here. Perhaps you could say i've stalled but instead i chose to think that i'm growing in acceptance of myself and my realities.

The forums have definitely helped me with this. Others here are on such different yet similar paths. Peace with ourselves comes in different ways and that must be my ultimate goal.

Those folks from "shinola" sure know their stuff

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Clair Dufour]

At some age everyone's hormone level drops and mental and physical changes occur just as it did growing

up, as children. That stuff is very subtle as it effects the animal part of our brains. Lack of it

also allows other parts of our brains to take over more control. Call it wisdom, been there done that

or whatever. Everyone is affected differently. Also, it is important to note that the vast majority of

hormones are taken by people who want to maintain their present gender as long as they can. Dysphoria,

seems to be connected with hormone levels as it begins to show up in TG children as they grow and find

that their body does not match their gender? Every teen we see here complains that the difference

between their body and their brain becomes worse every passing day. They of course, do not have a

lifetime of sex and gender experience to complicate their thinking. How it effects those of us TG's

past menopause is important in the overall understanding of transgenderism.

[Jani]

"They.are happy with their life.as it.is.and have lost the conviction to proceed any further."

​I'm not sure this is a loss of conviction or a stalled transition. As been said, we're all on our own very personal journey and we each have our own destination; whether we understand where that destination is or not. I can say with certainty that I do not know where my journey will take me, but I'm still moving because it's what I need to do. I think I'll know when I get to the end point because it will be a place where I am comfortable in my thoughts, in my skin and in my relationships. I have up days and down days, and days when I am somewhat comfortable. I just try to take them one at a time.

It sounds like you're at a happy state with yourself.

To answer your question, "How fortunate can one be." Very fortunate!

Jani