Still struggling through the void

[Swan13]

Had a bit of a hiatus from the forums. More as a result of the holidays, change in schedules in the home and lack of time and ability. Haven't been able to journal or dress as much either. But now that we have settled into a new routine I am finding the ability to make time once again. Just wanted to throw out an update as other than my therapist I have no current confidants. Partner is still somewhat anxious about the whole thing so I am allowing her to bring it up on her terms.

Prior to this past year I have questioned my gender and had periods of dysphoria. But I have never really CD, although I had given it thought. As I have been working with my therapist I have realized that I need to stop trying to hide from whomever it is I may truly be on the inside. As a result I have taken a calculated foray into CD. I have ordered shapewear to help my figure appear more feminine, but have not had the courage to purchase my own clothing. Luckily there are a couple of skirts of my partner's that fit me as well. Yes I have informed her that I am wearing them and no she is not overly thrilled about that.

Anyway I began to find the opportunity to this in the weeks leading up to Christmas and now with the new schedule have found more time. All I can say is that there is rush of excitement when I change and feeling of sadness when I have to change back. Additionally, it has almost become like a compulsion where I have to fight the 'urge' to change or allow my more feminine side out. All of this continues to be a struggle in some ways, but freeing in others. Since I have been CD some I have found that my depression is much less.

Still have no idea where this journey will lead, but for now I am trying to enjoy the ride.

Thanks all and have a great day!

[Guest Kayla Grace]

The only thing I can say is that you do you. It's your life, and it's your happiness. I know full well that in practice sometimes it's not practical, but sometimes you just have to bite the bullet. It might be difficult, but we never said transition was easy.

All of us will do our best to help you. Might I suggest more frequent sessions with your therapist? I know that mine always asks when I think I need to come in. Perhaps weekly might help you?

[SecretlyJessica]

I know exactly what you mean about the sadness of changing back! I have similar feelings when I dress femme and can finally be me. Sadly the other shoe always drops and I have to continue this other me currently. Use the internet, clothes are out there along with size comparisons to guide buying. Will help to keep the partner happy which may help their acceptance.

[Guest Clair Dufour]

What crossdressing does is help us find the female part of ourselves. Often once we find it we can be

in the female mode regardless of clothing or not. Some here often talk about going around in jeans and

baggy tops for days on end in girl mode, surgery or not. Everything I wear is off the girls rack but

only a few notice as many women have taken to men's styles. The boots with 2 inch Cuban heels is what

they lock on to? Now, I like and had a strong woman and often found myself being taken even more

advantage of in a skirt and found the gender center more to my liking. Many women have gender shifts

with clothing too and taking from our rack is OK but, our taking from their rack is sick? If they feel

that strongly about it, perhaps, they should wear the skirt and heels 24/7/365 and they and us with our

girl jeans slide the relationship to girl side of gender? Its hard, my wife would often said I was a

lousy girlfriend! But, I still pushed the right buttons to remind her I was more than that. Still,

there are two sexes, two sexual preferences all with more gender possibilities than any of us can

imagine. Now days, some of it is practical. Consider a guy with an arts degree and a low paying job

gets told by his wife with a very good paying job that she is pregnant and he is about to become a

stay at home dad? That's life!

[Jani]

Hi Swan,

Clair is correct that you can be in female mode whatever you wear. I rarely wear skirts as they don't necessarily fit into my current lifestyle. But I love it when they do!! So it's mostly jeans and nice tops for me whenever I'm out shopping or to my therapist.

Concerning your partner; keep the lines of communication open and offer that she look into counseling. You should also try to build your own wardrobe if she is not keen on sharing. You can use her sizes to gauge what to order.

Jani

[Swan13]

As always I greatly appreciate everyone's thoughts and suggestions. CD has provided myself with permission to be myself, which I have spent a significant time throughout my life building up defenses against other's perceiving me as being more feminine. Which in some ways I have not done as well with this as I believe. CD (and therapy) has empowered me to begin breaking through these defenses and critiques about whether I am male or female and simply trying to be myself. The related struggle at this time is the congruence between how I feel internally and how I present externally.

Hopefully I explained this well enough.

Thanks for the support!

[Guest Kayla Grace]

Just a quick note, you don't need anyone's permission but your own to be you. I struggled with that for years - even before I was Kayla.

[Charlize]

Swan you have done an excellent job of explaining how you feel. i think many of us understand completely and can certainly relate through our own life experience. My dressing was something i often suppressed and felt guilty for exploring. It became as much a sexual thing as a gender expression which made that feeling of guilt even stronger. When i started to see that it was more than that it was a relief but the need to explore my feminine reality grew. I was glad to find a path towards acceptance of both sides of me and of my past as well. He wasn't such a bad guy even if confused and a bit tortured at times. I'm glad you have a therapist and have also found that you can share here as well. It seems almost paradoxical that self knowledge is best found in sharing with others.

Hugs,

Charlize