FEELING UNEASY

[FreedomDylan]

Hey everybody-

Sorry to do this on a first post. I am transgender FTM and very very new. Trying to be reeeally delicate here. We have been living in the same apartment complex since Sept 2001 {using "we" because I am referring to both pre transition and transition}. A couple of days ago I ran into an old friend of mine who is actually an old acquaintance of Catherine's {"Catherine" is the legal first name but I'm using the name Dylan after Bob Dylan here}. His name is Brian and he moved in here a year before I did. Maybe I shouldn't have done this. But I told Brian that I was changing my name and transitioning. And Brian extended an open invitation for me to visit with him. I was supposed to go to a local transgender group that day. But never made it. So I ended up going to visit with Brian at his apartment.

For the most part the visit went well. Brian was very polite. But during the time that I was at his apartment Brian said to me "maybe you should go to a psychologist and find out why you are doing this". I told Brian that that is why I go to a GRC. And Brian says to me "no, I mean a real psychologist". Ok. I get that going to a psychologist can be good sometimes to get some objectivity. But I felt like he was trying to talk me out of transitioning. Also as I was leaving Brian gives me this thing of "it's all the same thing" and actually used some terms that are considered derogatory by some people. The term "crossdresser" and the term "Transgender" came up. Brian actually did everything but call me a "Transgender" {Laura and other mods? sorry about the language, trying to be a gentleman here, but I'm really shaken}.

Would love some input on this!

Get back to me on this please,

Thank you,

Dylan

PS: Sorry for the font situation...sight impairment.

[VickySGV]

Hi Dylan, welcome to the Playground. It does indeed sound like "Brian" is on the far right end of the couch on this one. It is pretty obvious that he does not support or for that matter have good, recent information on what being Trans* is all about or how it works. My crystal ball sees a wide gap developing between the two of you for your safety and peace of mind. Too bad you did not go to your support group. Brian evidently thinks that a Psychology Professional agrees with the "you are crazy" notion that he has. You have every right to be shaken by this.

That said though, getting professional counseling from a Therapist who is licensed under your state law, AND who has counseled other people with suspected Gender Dysphoria, and helped them resolve it, either toward or against Transition is a wonderful and helpful idea. None of them will tell you to Transition or counsel against Transition, but will be extremely helpful in helping to deal with the "Brians" of the world without cutting your throat or his.

You are in a place here where we do keep a Safe Haven for Trans* folk, and where you will not upset us by what happened to you, it has happened to many of us in a whole lot of ways.

Edited February 6, 2016 by VickySGV
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[bobbisue]

Just my opinion but it sounds to me like Brian likes Catherine and doesnt want her to go away

bobbisue

[Cyndee]

Welcome Dylan to Laura's Playground forums

Those that have known you from before, will be more challenging. Brian may mean well, but the reality is you have to live with you and do what's best for you.

It's like when Bob Dylan went "electric" back in the day, there was an adjustment period from his fans and much push back. It took a while for them to get used to his poetry and lyrics so as to be understood in the context of "electric" music. But in the end he pushed his art further, into new areas that only "electric" could do justice and won over many new fans in the process. You can do this, you can evolve, to move beyond the comfort zone most people take for granted, and into the depth of your complete self.

Hugs

Cyndi -

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Dylan. I agree with my colleagues. I don't think that Brian's friendship is a lost cause, but its going to require some patience and work on your part to show him that you know who you are, and don't need to be talked out of it.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest]

Welcome to LP, Dylan.

Huggs,

Joann

[tracy_j]

Hi Dylan

Welcome

I think it takes most of us a while to understand ourselves so it can well take somewhat more time for others to understand.

For me I would spend some time gently educating Brian as he may well understand in time, but even if not it sounds like he is trying to be helpful and accepting. Just don't push things too heavily as he seems a friend.

Tracy

[JJ]

Welcome to the forums.

Maybe it would help him understand if you explain that this is a physical condition due to brain development and while a psychologist can help you determine how best to deal with it they can't tell you why or help you get over it. Most people have no clue about the realities and science behind this condition and really don't want to lose the friend they knew for someone they can't really picture yet.

If we cut ties or get hurt and let the ignorance out there damage relationships before we have helped them understand then we can end up isolated and lonely. Ideally everyone would instantly understand and get it right but in reality it just doesn't work that way even among people who are ultimately willing to learn and accept us unless they have already knwn another trans person who had the patience and maturity to educate them.

Not fair and no fun always educating all those cis people out there but it is a necessity if we want them to understand and accept us.

Johnny

[Guest]

I saw 2 "real psychologists". One of them that I was seeing for PTSD told me to go see a gender therapist. The other was both a real psychologist and a gender therapist and he helped me a lot.

I don't know where you live but here psychologist are actually often very up-to-date with the science. The two I saw were not thinking I was crazy.

I think Brian might be the type that is ignorant and want to stay that way. Don't waste too much energy on him

[FreedomDylan]

Hey there-

Re this issue with Brian. Brian told me that he was closeted trans {I don't think that I can use the term that he used in here}. Could that have something to do with this????

Thanks everybody,

Get back to me please,

Dylan

[Guest Mickey]

That very well could be what it is. Some people, because of their own, internalized, transphobia, react negatively to Trans* people. It is sad. But there is much happiness when one accepts things and learns how to live.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Dylan, welcome to Laura's Playground. Hope you love it as much as I've already come to.

You noted that Brian was an old friend that knew you only as Cathrine. Most people really don't like big change around them. There initial reaction often can be resistance. They just don't want what they've always known to change. Patience is the key. I've recently told the person who's been my best friend and NA sponsor for years that I'm trans, and he is really struggling with acceptance. I'm giving him time. Hopefully he'll come around, but if he doesn't, I have no control over that.

As to his being a closeted trans person, if I understood you correctly, that absolutely could cause a negetive pushback against transfolk. For years I've tried to hide from what I am. In order to convince other, and even more so myself, I made myself transphobic. I viewed trans people from the same negative viewpoint as I secretly viewed myself. Knowledge and acceptance defeat ignorance and pigheadedness thank goodness. I now embrace being transgender and feel a bond of (platonic) affection for fellow transgender people.

I know this reply is a little late, but maybe it'll help you or someone else. It helped me just to write it. Again, welcome to Laura's. This is a safe, loving place to be.?

[VickySGV]

A lion in a small cage is more dangerous than one with several square miles of room to get away from stuff it does not like. Let's face it, a closet is a small cage in this case. Give time and distance, but stay on your path and mark it as you go along so it can be used in the time ahead. Until Bryan gets out of <ppn> closet and becomes Bryan's true self you are in a rough spot. Bryan is transferring some self issues to you. My crystal ball is still re-booting on your relationship there.

[Guest]

I am in the same camp as Bobbisue and also Vicky, the problem is squarely between his(her) ears.

Maybe offer him to be your guest to the meetings. If the reactions go badly, exit stage left and distance quickly. Some people don't like their closet door rattled. Hug. JodyAnn