Taking my scary first steps...

[Angie.Dee]

Hello my name is Angie...at least that's what my name is in my fantasy world. I'm 24 and in College and I live with my father and his fiance. My life has been a constant struggle and spiral, I feel hatred toward my assigned gender but have always been extremely sensitive to the roles society wants me to play. I've become a good actor, but I feel like after so long I need to make some hard choices about myself. During High School and early 20s my self-loathing manifested itself in a lot of drug use and self isolation, the few friends I had liked me as the overly masculine male I pretended to be at all times out of a deep fear of my internal gender. Most of my life I have thought, "Your just a freak, you're not really a girl, get over it you will never look good, never be pretty, never find love" and most of all I wanted to die because I kept having this pointless fantasy. I truly hate myself, but I'm sure we've all been in that boat...depression, social anxiety, and hating my body dosnt help. I'm sorry to unload like this but I have very few outlets where I feel safe, just reading through some of these posts here gave me some hope...and about just as much fear.

Around a year ago I started turning my life around after getting put in a rehab by my mother, I hated the place but after a few months I was determined to quit drugs and move on with my life, I left against medical advice and on their recommendation my mother refused to take me back home so I went to live with my dad in another state. I started going to school, and taking some anti-depressants (I long thought these things were pointless but I'm starting to take any help i can get) and things were going well. It's around this time that my inner woman started trying to come back out, I no longer had my masculine drug-addict friends to hang out with and put on my mask for so I was left to actually look at myself and who I want to be. I'm seeing a psychiatrist who is very kind and I came out to her in a fit of desperation, I had never told anyone these feelings and in my heart I thought she would hate me and that my work with her would be for nothing but it went much better than I thought it would.

So I am taking my first steps...I am finally allowing myself to be me, even if its just internal right now. I'm scared, I feel utterly alone, and I still don't know how far I am willing to go with this. I have a lot of respect for you ladies that have come out about your true self and made the world see who you are. I don't know if I am that brave, but I'm working toward its at a snails pace.

-love, Angie <3

[MaryEllen]

Hello Angie,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing with us. Follow your heart. Your goals are achievable. It won't happen overnight but if you persevere, it will happen.

MaryEllen

[Cyndee]

Self acceptance can be a huge mountain to climb, sounds like you already on the path.

Just working through your feelings can help here, that's what this site is for. I am glad you have found us and joined.

Feel free to post away as the mood strikes ya. Ask a question of the membership or answer a post, start your own topic.

Welcome Angie

Hugs

Cyndi -

[MarcieMarie12]

Welcome and a warm hug!

Your journey may seem at times an impossible feat. But there are those on this forum that have traveled it. They gave me hope for a life as the real me and have offered good advice.

--Marcie

[jeanniesauve']

Keep up the good work.

jeannie

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Angie. There is nothing wrong with a snail's pace, hon. Sometimes it is just the right speed to keep snails, and us, safe. Please ask all the questions you want to ask, and we'll do our best to provide the answers. This is a safe place, and you are among friends.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[catherine61]

Hi Angie welcome with us

Catherine

[Charlize]

Welcome Angie. I was an addict who was also unable to find the courage to be honest with myself. I'm glad you have gotten some help with the addiction. That alines a great step. I got sober in the rooms of AA where i found a way to not drink but better yet a way to live sober and accept myself and the world. Have you gone to any NA or AA meetings? We have one here on Sundays in the chatrooms at 9 eastern. Maybe you would like to join us there.

Hugs,

Charlize

[gennee]

A hearty welcome to Laura's, Angie.

[Just_M]

Hi Angie and welcome! I'm also new here! There are a lot of girls than can help you out and listen all you need. I know some in my country, they are part of a trans NGO but they only talk Spanish. If you do and you want, I can help you contact them, they're really nice!

And I'm also really sorry about all the struggles you've gone through. I'm also really glad you're doing much better now. I think that therapy and acting are two great ideas to figure out who you really are. I did both and always played male roles as an actress. And here I am now, wondering if I'm FTM or not. It's a journey to self-discovery in this only and lonely life we've got. And if we only have one life, why not make the most of it?

Write back if you'd like, we can all go through this together. XO

[Guest]

Welcome to LP, Angie.

Huggs,

Joann

[Jani]

Welcome Angie! Its good that you're finally allowing yourself to be you. It's alright to be scared but don't lock yourself away. You are not alone.

The best part of this is you can go as far as you want or need to go. It's that simple. You'll be surprised at how "brave" you can be. People have said I'm brave but I'm not so sure. I'm just a woman who's doing what I finally recognize I needed to do. If that's the definition of bravery, then so be it.

Working towards change at a snails pace is a good thing too. It will allow you to adapt and acclimate to each element you add to your new presentation. Slow is fine. Its worked for others here and its working for me.

Please join in and add your posts and comments.

Jani

[Angie.Dee]

Thank you all so much, it really means a lot to me! I'm really glad I joined

[StephanieVikingGirl]

Hi Angie,

Accepting myself was the hardest part, the part that took the most courage. I did some acting in my time, and tried the uber macho role to hide my inner feminine self, and probably like you did some rather brave things to show others that I was really fearless. It took me a lot longer to realize that I had to find a way to accept myself. I waited so long that when I did "come out as trans" it was all in a rush, and not very well planned. I am just lucky everything went as well as it did, and I made to become the woman that I am today. So take it slow, that is the best way. I think Kerry said it best: "slowly, slowly, catchy monkey", or something like that.

hugs,

Stephanie

[Angie.Dee]

Hey everyone, just thought I'd let everyone know what's going on with me.

I'm coming out to my dad tonight, as my therapist suggested.

I kinda had a really bad moment, I was so scared I had a panic attack last night, just stressing about everything...passed out in the hall, couldn't move an inch ; (

But I've had a better day today and I'm getting ready to be myself after so long

[MarcieMarie12]

I was in your shoes a couple of months ago and was so relieved to actually not have this secret any longer. I found the anxiety from not being out was greater than any rejections I thought I might get. Only have gotten on so far, my mom. But it took her two months to get there, she may change her mind eventually, but I am not holding my breath. As to the rest of my family, I was told that they are "concerned". But none of them have really been all that talkative since Christmas. My dad called me once, as my mom did not want to talk to me. But here's the thing, these things take time for people to adjust to, so don't be put off by the immediate reaction. They might need to process how the really feel about things once the shock of the news wears off.

[Angie.Dee]

I'm so scared now my dad knows something is wrong but I don't know what to tell him

[Beeks]

Hi Angie! I'm 25 and relatively new here myself.

I hope your talk with you dad went well. I'm waiting until I am out of my parents' house to come out to them, which hopefully will be soon.

I also noticed your avatar is from Steins;gate. I haven't gotten around to watching it, but my college roommate really enjoyed it. I'm always more than happy to chat about shows or comics or games, in addition to any advice.

[Guest KerryUK]

Hi Angie,

Wow, I don't know how I managed to miss your initial post and so it's taken me ages to see this. So firstly, a very warm welcome to you - as you've already seen, they are a good bunch here and you are amongst friends.

You mentioned about going along at a snails pace - well, I think I'm qualified to say that I could possibly be the Site 'racing snail' . My catch phrase here (stolen from someone who told me when I first started out) - 'Slowly, slowly catchee monkey' is a very valid one and it's what has worked for me. Each and every one of us has a unique journey to travel and how we do that is a very individual thing - so, don't let anybody tell you what to do. Move along at your pace. Ask questions and then make your decisions based around the answers you get from those here who have been through it or are going through similar.

You are at the scariest time in my view - that is when you start telling people. Do you know what though? Things do get easier and the more you plan things through and prepare, the better generally things tend to work out. Be prepared for the odd 'fast ball' though (tough for us 'snails' I know )​ because they will come, it's just a matter of changing course slightly and then you are back on your way.

Did you tell your Dad yet? I'd love to hear how you got on.

Kerry

[Sylvie312]

I am 23, have a child, am in a commited relationship, live in Texas (conservative capitol), have Christian family (both fiance and brothers, parents) and am unemployed, socially introverted and disconnected, and have NEVER told anyone (beaides these forums tonight in my intro) how I truly feel.

So no, ypu are not alone. And you should be who you are now because it seems that the more you get involved in life, the harder it is to break this shell that we are expected to live in. You coming out to your dad is great, and is far more courage than I could hope for. Please let us know how it goes

Since we are the same age and have the similar desire, you are more than welcome to message me privately. I feel that we could benefit off eachother.

-Sylvie