Comming out at work

[MarcieMarie12]

Things are moving at work. I have a meeting with the head of our company on thursday to discuss my transition at work. I am glad he's taken an interest in it. We are a small company of about 50 people, very much a friendly atmosphere that I enjoy. But I think I am ready for it, I have all the basic questions answered and I am ready to hear their thoughts. YEAH!

[Charlize]

Sounds like the lights are all turning green.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Angie.Dee]

Wow thats great, I am really hoping to get some support from the people I work with too! How'd you bring it if, if you don't mind me asking? A letter or email? Or just in person?

[jeanniesauve']

Hey,Marcie...yeahooo!I want your job...teehee...Congrats....I'll be rootin'for yah!

[MarcieMarie12]

Angie, I brought it up with the head of my department first and in person. I told him about it when I told him I was getting divorced in November and we have been discussing it. I know at least 4 people will have to be in the loop before all is said and done. I really have not done much other than put together an information packet, cover letter. Tonight I plan on taking some pictures in work appropriate attire. In any event, I've felt that coming out at work would be less stressful but more drawn out than family and friends.

[MarcieMarie12]

Forgot to add, I wanted to try being part time for a month to see how things went. I felt more than likely going full time was in my future, and the longer I have dealt with being in two seperate lives the decision to go full time is the right one, and the one I want.

[Jani]

Marcie this is good news. I'm so happy for you. Hopefully the whole process won't be any more stressful than what you expect. Keep a positive attitude and all will be well.

Hugs,

Jani

[Drea]

It sounds like you are taking steps to make it happen.

The specifics always play an important role. You don't have to answer if you don't want but let me toss out a few questions.

Have you approached this or intent to approach it as a medical need? If so do you have specific medical documentation specific to you (i.e. diagnosis, therapist or doctor letters supporting the need)? Or am I too "old school" to think it is in any way a medical issue.

Do you have a therapist and if so are you getting therapist involved?

What exactly is "coming out". Just telling people you are trans? Actually making a gender role change? (I think you are saying the latter, just that "coming out" can mean so much and if that term is being used with employer then there can be misunderstanding.

What is it you are asking the employer specifically to accommodate?

How are you proposing the restroom be handled?

Has legal document changes been made (name and gender changes)? Are they in the works? If and how will these things be done relevant to coming out at work?

How is it you are proposing your co-workers be informed? Are you providing a letter? You going to tell them? You going to drop them an email? Or are you sticking that messy business in the hands of the employer?

Comment: I would think pictures of you "dressed" for work would be low on priority list unless the primary objective is to be able to "dress" at work. Something I personally wouldn't bring up till very late in the process unless you simply do not know what would be appropriate.

[Robin84]

I am trying to understand these struggles myself, but at the moment you situation is yours... My heart goes out to all! Be safe and have fun!

[gennee]

Sounds like things are moving along well, Marcie. You place of employment sounds like an accepting place.

[MarcieMarie12]

Have you approached this or intent to approach it as a medical need? If so do you have specific medical documentation specific to you (i.e. diagnosis, therapist or doctor letters supporting the need)? Or am I too "old school" to think it is in any way a medical issue. Do you have a therapist and if so are you getting therapist involved?

What exactly is "coming out". Just telling people you are trans? Actually making a gender role change? (I think you are saying the latter, just that "coming out" can mean so much and if that term is being used with employer then there can be misunderstanding.

What is it you are asking the employer specifically to accommodate?

How are you proposing the restroom be handled?

Has legal document changes been made (name and gender changes)? Are they in the works? If and how will these things be done relevant to coming out at work?

How is it you are proposing your co-workers be informed? Are you providing a letter? You going to tell them? You going to drop them an email? Or are you sticking that messy business in the hands of the employer?

Comment: I would think pictures of you "dressed" for work would be low on priority list unless the primary objective is to be able to "dress" at work. Something I personally wouldn't bring up till very late in the process unless you simply do not know what would be appropriate.

To answer your first question, I've been diagnosed as transgender by my gender therapist, with gender dysphoria. So yes there is a medical need for this change. My therapist is aware of my plans and has seen my transition package which includes some of the details.

The point of all this is so I can be full-time Marcie. So coming out at work in some ways is partially done. For me, once I've come out to you, I have no need to be "him".

The acommadations aren't going to much more than which restroom I use. I would prefer to use the women's room, but I do know there might be some objections to that (maybe). The other issues is just updating my information, name on the website and similar stuff. I will also need some time off once SRS is scheduled but that is down the road. As for informing clients, I am just going to start signing my name that way. Long time clients I will probably send a short e-mail basically stating it is still me, but with a few changes (not that many have seen me in person).

I plan to do my legal name change in May/June of this year. Shortly before I come out at work.

My proposal for telling my colleagues is to send them an e-mail with a powerpoint presentation. I would do this a week before I start full time.

The point of the pictures is to show them that I can dress professionally as a woman, and what I will look like.I think it is better to show them rather than leave it to their own imagination.

[MarcieMarie12]

Also, here are the images of myself: http://forum.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?app=galleryℑ=12669

[MarcieMarie12]

Gennee, I'd agree. I think it has been one of the more accepting friendliest places I've ever worked at. Helps that we are in DC not southern Virginia and in an educated field of business.

[Guest]

Hey Marcie, you look great in the recent pictures.

Right on the mark for blending in. Im sure you will be fine!

Dont be surprised if its no big deal to others.

With regard to bathroom: if you are dressed like in those pictures everyone should expect that you would go to the ladies room.

I gave it a couple months before using the ladies room. It gave co workers time to process my personal changes without pushing my way into their space. They got to know me as a woman and they understand its not at all like sharing the bathroom space with a man!

I don't work at the office very often so I had lots of ways to avoid going to the ladies room at my office in the early days.

[Drea]

To answer your first question, I've been diagnosed as transgender by my gender therapist, with gender dysphoria. So yes there is a medical need for this change. My therapist is aware of my plans and has seen my transition package which includes some of the details.

This is not really answering my first question. It partially does by answering the question about you having a therapist or not, but that is not the central point. You also say you have a diagnosis and thus you view it as a medical need and your therapist is aware of your plans.

The real thrust of the question is if you are pitching this to your employer as a medical need. That would involve providing medical documentation to your employer such as a letter from your therapist stating the medical diagnosis and stating their professional opinion this is needed for your well being. It also can include your therapist's direct communication with one's employer.

In pitching it that way, one would typically also identify the information being provided as personal and confidential medical information not to be disclosed without your express permission. The medical approach puts burdens on the employer to accommodate the medical issue completely aside from trans protections or lack thereof and such a notice also puts employer in sticky situation if they disclose the information in a way that you haven't granted permission. Obviously with the coming out the information, or at least parts of it become somewhat public information.

I have seen so many cases of people talking with HR and they object that HR talked to their boss (which is the standard thing HR typically does) or the information is otherwise disclosed. Unless you define it as strictly personal and it is also protected personal information (and medical is) then one shouldn't be surprised if the information gets out. Another footnote there, even if one "protects" the information as I suggest, if one then goes coming out to co-workers and word gets out there it becomes very hard to say the employer failed to keep the information private as your disclosure to other individuals would be deemed as your decision to make the information known.

So I don't know if what I describe is what you intend.

I like the above approach for several reasons including the fact that being transgender doesn't define a medical need. Clear medical documentation moves employers responsibilities into a completely different category than simply identifying as transgender. This of course is all predicated on one's therapist supporting the need argument and willingness to provide documentation to that effect.

Being transgender doesn't intrinsically define a medical need to transition so that is a point I would not leave to be assumed.

[MarcieMarie12]

Drea, this is a medical and personal need at this point. More to the point, it explains partly why I am doing this. I mean, if I was trans and gender dysphoric and did not want to transition I would not be transitioning. But that is not the case with me, I need to transition and I want to transition. So I am.

But I did indicate that there are four people within the organization that can see the package, including my direct supervisor/boss (who needs to know anyway). Also, we are a 50 person organization--I've talked to and had pleasant conversation when I run into the head of our organization (so he knows who I am). We are a great and friendly workplace--which is shockingly rare these days from what I've experienced and heard. So if I say that part of this is a medical need they aren't going to rules lawyer me to death on that point. They may ask for documentation, but I highly doubt it.

[MarcieMarie12]

Well, talked with the CEO. He is very supportive, and to let him know if I ever need anything. He and my department head agreed that my timeline is definitely acceptable. As to the bathroom issue, basically it was use the single stall for the first week or two, gradually just using the women's room. Also, in the unlikely event anyone harasses me about my transition to let him know and he will handle it personally. So on a scale of 1-10 on how that went:

[tracy_j]

Very nice to hear

Tracy x

[Guest]

Congrats !!

Hard part is done !

You will enjoy work sooooo much more now!

[Guest Raya]

Sweet!

So much of our lives is spent at work, it's great you have a comfortable place

[MarcieMarie12]

SO went to my direct supervisor with the news. His comment "I knew something was up" but he only asked if there was anything he can do to help.

[MarcieMarie12]

Was at a conference last couple of days. Told two of my workers about what is going on with me. One said that he had had a few friends that were trans. May have also outed myself to another because I went upstairs for a few hours of get out of boy mode. I came downstairs in typical boy dress, polo and khakis. I had been wearing my studs which are small, but replaced them with a peach colored flower design (yeah that is definitely not masculine) . So here I am in this sports bar just half scared that someone might hit me up on it, and the other half laughing at myself.

[MarcieMarie12]

Just a brief update. Met with HR, we have set May 27th as the date I go full time. I am so looking forward to it!!

I came out to more of my co-workers as well. That kind of got people in the office talking I guess because my department head told me he thinks most of the office has heard rumors that I am transitioning. I am not upset about it, because that was part of my plan when telling some co-workers.

Anyway I am happy that work has been so great about this. I also got the nondiscrimination policy updated to match one of the examples I gave (Apple's).

[Cyndee]

Congrats, it's a wonderful feeling Marcie, you know when it's right...

Best of luck as things unfold.

Cyndi -

[Guest KerryUK]

I've only just seen your post Marcie,

That's great news - not long to go now.

Kerry