Worried About Asking my Dad to Use Different pronouns

[KaitlynS]

It has been a month or so since i lasted posted on here and now i have something new I need help with. Around the time i joined this site i chose a new name and pronouns for myself and i have asked many of my friends to use the new name and the new pronouns. They have all been great about it other than one little slip of my name, but the person who did that immediately apologized for it. Now i am considering asking my dad to use my new name and pronouns. He is not very accepting of me and i think that he thinks this is just a phase and that it will pass soon. He knows i identify as a girl but he keeps referring to me as "he", "him", "sir", and "senor". Every time he does this i get really sad because i know he sees me as a boy and not a girl. Sometimes i feel like i can't put up with him using my former pronouns, and i feel like this is just going to make things worse for my dysphoria and depression if i let it go on. I hope that telling him would make him realize i am serious about transitioning and it is not just a phase, but with how he treats me now i feel like he will never want to use my name or pronouns.

Should i talk to him about this or just try to put up with it? Background: i am a 23 year old college student living with my dad and i am financially dependent on him.

[Guest]

My father is a gentle and peacefull man and I know that even if he were not very accepting I am not in danger with him.

If your dad does know you identify as girl and is like my father then i'd say yes, talk about it. Communication is key and people don't understand how it hurts.

If he's violent or otherwise likely to kick you out because of things like that then don't.

[Guest]

Ditto above.

I'm a worst case scenario, middle aged with parents that are elderly near the century mark, unfortunately they will not change appreciably regardless of my pain. While healing from surgury at their home they accidentally observed the the parts that grew and parts that are missing thank you! They still don't get it.

My advice, speak lovingly and softly in all situations with your father, as a lady would. Give him love and some time to accept, adjust and adapt.

One thing in your favor is that he is of an age that puts him in the mainstream of life. Social changes and new attitudes for us may externally pressure him into looking at his outmoded thinking and speach patterns. You may gently remind from time to time how much it hurts.

If the introduction opportunity arrises with new people, take control give your name "I'm Kaitlyn, I'm (dad's name) daughter. Let him back pedal that one! Giggle. Hug to you Ma'am. JodyAnn

[tracy_j]

I agree

Do not forget that your transition can also have a great effect on your father too. In his mind it is likely he fears losing the son he had. You need to reach some understanding between you. Maybe not an open one but mutual respect. It may take a while - even a long while, but gradually it is likely he will become accepting and realise you are still there. As you say he is not very accepting, as long as it is a form of acceptance then things look hopeful as he may well become more accepting without even realising.

I know it hurts you, and just my own opinion as many would disagree, but your name is just a name and it is who you feel you are which is important. Don't be hurt by his use of the wrong pronouns as, beside anything else, use of them is automatic to him and even if he were determined it would be a while to change his thought process. I know people are different and it affects people in different ways but gently approaching it and keeping a sense of humour helps.

For example in the local supermarket doing my usual weekly shop, even though dressed fully female I am called by my male name by several regulars and assistants. This all stems from being there with my partner and she used my male name. I am slightly at a loss as to how to change things but I just find it funny . I suppose the female equivalent of my male name is similar but it uncommon in this country. It is making me think as time goes on though that maybe it is not a bad name. As people are not being negative I just carry on. In time it will be history and I do also wonder if anyone ever thinks 'why is that women being called by a man's name'. To change things would require determination and possible embarrassment and explanations which in the wider environment (rather than close friends and family) is probably going too far.

You will get there

Tracy

[Guest]

Let me share something else please. As a member of the father club, I know some men dream of having a son, a minature them, someone to impart all their dreams and knowledge upon. Even though that is for the most an illusion. Your dad may have to deal with some of his pleasant obsessions blown right out of the water! Factor that in. You didn't loose any male knowledge just the ill fitting shell. He has to work through a new mini me. Tough stuff for a dad.

Who me? I'm the other side. I prayed to God to move heaven and earth to bless me with a mysterious creature, a baby girl, knowing I would never understand her. My son came along then as a pleasant surprise.

A funny thing happened on the way to the rainbow. Estrogen switched on my female brain and I understand her completely. My son never lost the strength and boy smarts of his father, yet gained a new nurturing mom. How cool is that? There is so much more to journey than just transitioning.

I offer all this so you can read your father, what he may be feeling and your family dynamics. You may have to be the healer too. Hug. JodyAnn

[Mia]

Hey Kaitlyn,

I'm in a similar situation. Coincidentally, I'm 23, living with my dad, and financially dependent on him as well. I'm not as far as asking my dad to use new pronouns for me though yet. I'm still trying to figure myself out and I've only been feeling this way for over a week. I know it's hard dealing with this. I'm becoming more uncomfortable with masculine pronouns as well. I'm sure you could find a way to convince your dad to use your preferred pronouns, but on the other hand, he may not be willing to change his mind no matter what you tell him unfortunately... I have that fear of my dad. He seems to think this is just a phase for me too or it's based on a mental issue or something. Anyway, things will get better, I'm sure. Hang in there. *hugs*