"Why me?" she asked.

[Guest Faith gibson]

Going to see a male for any reason is not usually my favorite thing to do. I don’t know how that happened really. I just am more comfortable in the presence of another female. This male is a professional though, and he’s trans*. That should help, I think to myself but, it really doesn’t. I see him as a man and that’s that. He is the person I need to see though so I tell myself to quit being silly and ask for his help. He usually puts out the tissue, just by my elbow. Just in case you know. I have cried more than a few times here.

I want to understand something. Why is it that I need to be the way I am? Why does everything have to be so feminine with me? Why can’t I just be me in clothes that are a little androgynous? Life would be so much simpler for me. Why do I have to have my makeup just so? I have seen some transwomen that don’t appear to be nearly as taken with being as ‘girly’ as I do. For that matter, I have seen lots of ciswomen that don’t seem so taken with the whole ‘I’m a female’ experience at all. Why do I need to have things matching? Why do I feel it is important to wear what I wear?

Of course, there’s so much more to what a woman is; thoughtfulness, caring, empathy, nurturing, etc. etc. I get all that, but couldn’t I also do those things without making sure that I look and act just so? It seems such a small thing to wonder about. It’s not really though, at least for me, because if I didn’t feel it was necessary to look the way I do, I would probably not have nearly the daily struggle that I seem to be having right now.

Well, he’s just shaking his head at me of course. Some of these professionals think they have all the answers. And maybe he does know something, even if he is male. He just gives a little wave with his hand and says, “You need to do those things Faith because that’s who you are.”

[Guest Denise007]

All of my pros were male, Personally wonder what this obsession is to only have female professionals for so many of us.

The longer we live in the role, the need to be hyper femme usually eases or become less of a personal requirement.

Hope this helps a little

[Charlize]

I don't know how to answer your question Faith. If i could i'd understand my own feelings much better. I do know that you are not alone.

Sometimes i find myself crying for other trans* folks and their struggles but i find that those tears are due to memories of my own pain.

Big Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Jamie61]

Hi Faith,

More then one cis-gender friend has said to me " you don't have to be so feminine" but I feel that I do. If only to find my true center. Never mind that I enjoy it.

Also I have trouble coming out to men...

Jamie

[VickySGV]

Those of us who are MtF all had strong male influence on us as young children. It was influence aimed at making us one way when in fact we were a different way, and maybe not even one different way, We have become distrustful of that influence and those who were role models and teachers of how to live our lives. A Trans*man even though Trans* still seems to us to have the same qualities as the Cis men who mentored us and even forced us to act and think a certain way. It takes quite a while for the "act like a man", "man up and fight", "don't be such a sissy" urgings or commands to die in our minds as what we are going to get from another man. It caused us pain, and people with good mental health avoid pain if at all possible.

As far as what we need to do physically to satisfy our gender needs, it can change as we deal with our Gender Dysphoria over time. I have had to develop my own look, and for several years I did need to be ultra-girly in many ways. Now that I live and experience my real and true self daily, I do not bother with lipstick some days, or eye-shadow, and some days are fine with just moisturizer and sunscreen. You are you today with make-up and ultra feminine clothing, but tomorrow you will be just as much you with your old male clothes on painting a bedroom or front room. You will see you everywhere, but for now it must be a certain way to reassure yourself.

[Guest KerryUK]

Hi Faith,

I posted just a few days ago on a similar vein.

Early on in transition, everything had to be just so and I was always conscious of how others perceived me because of that - I had to do it to 'pass'. As time has gone by, I have found that I have settled in to being me. I've developed into the woman I was always meant to be (just like a cisgirl growing up). I've found that I can be as girly or not as much as I like and it doesn't really matter because girls can be as girly or not as they like. Some days, I wear trousers to work and others I'll wear a skirt - I feel just as girly in both because I am ME. Nobody around me bats an eye. I think we all develop as far or not as the case may be. I was complimented not so long ago by a colleague because she said 'you're not too girly, flowery femme but you are still the most ladylike woman I've ever met'. That was lovely to hear. So I think we all find a point where things just work fine as they are and we settle with that - I know I have.

Hope this helps

Kerry

[jeanniesauve']

It can be mind consuming.It can make me manic,it can get confusing with swirling colors and scents and glimpses of ourselves,that really bring it home!Just the right angle,the right glance,(that locks us into the feminine realization of ourselves), the right stance....the perfect pose.A breath stealing dizziness of years of pent-up endorphines,and chemical inbalances,that now,finally,have the opportunity to cascade through our brains and bodies,in an almost nauseatingly,dizzy euphoria that permeates...until an equalization of pressure settles on the new identity...so,if I over enflate this old tire,I can let some air out,or...like a good pair of heels,eventaully...they fit..like a glove!(I love high heels).

Just Breath Faith...love jeannie

[Guest Faith gibson]

great reply jeannie I enjoyed reading it

Thank you to everyone else for your understanding. I'm just trying to figure things out and frankly, I doubt I'll ever not be as feminine as possible regardless of where I am in transition. I like it way too much.

My question to the therapist was meant more in the way of; could I get by without being feminine in my life because that would mean I would be able to avoid any transition? I also asked him if maybe I was not being true about things? But, why am I doing all the things I'm doing if I'm not being true. It seems like such a elaborate hoax for sure. This is very much on my mind right now because I have made an appointment to see someone and I'm just a tad scared and doubtful about things.

Faith

[Guest KerryUK]

........I'm just a tad scared and doubtful about things......

Well Faith, you are absolutely not alone there. I think if you ask anybody here, they will know exactly what you are talking about - myself included. I can remember being scared and I still do get scared if I'm faced with unfamiliar situations - that's where my motto 'Take the bull by the horns' comes in. Doubts? Oh yes, those too and I had some just a few weeks ago - that's where the support of my partner comes in. We all get them Faith, it's how we deal with them that matters.

You're waiting for your appointment to discuss your feelings with a Therapist which is good but as you say, the wait is frustrating. I would suggest just writing your thoughts down in bullet points - so that when you do meet your Therapist, you have them all in front of you and you won't forget any. The other thing is to try to fill the waiting times with things to do - keep busy.

I know that this isn't much help Faith but unfortunately, the waiting is part of the game I'm afraid. It soon passes, believe me.

Kerry

[Guest Denise007]

Many of us mistake a therapist for a judge. I don't think they going to tell you what to do, but will help you decide what and how you do things. Therapy is about self exploration, 7 years in my therapy I was never told I had to be or do anything, but near the end of it, he asked me to think about bringing the 2 of me into 1, and consider GRS, which I did have in 1988.

Faith, frankly, very little of living as female is about hyper feminity, and those of us that do progress to full time soon get tired of the routine and opt for female drab.

[Guest Clair Dufour]

Some people like looking chic regardless of gender or what gender they are at the time. It is hard for us to

experiment with women's fashion when we often have to cover more than we show. But, styles like cowgirl and punk

or Levi work well and still have enough girl style if you pick right. That's what I mostly wear all off the girls

rack. Let other people work out what gender you are. Skirts don't go well here except on young girls. If your

close to Vancouver, you should check out the ethnic shops for eclectic chic.

[Guest KerryUK]

I wouldn't go so far as female drab Denise, I quite like putting in the effort to look as nice as I can - it's just that I never have enough clothes - grrr.

[Guest]

I too find as I get along I seem to self blend old and new. Men still freak me out, but that is getting better too. It helps to live and work with hundreds of women.

When I was moving from a halfway house to my new three quarter sober living house, I had a ton of stuff to bring over. My District manager asked how much stuff I have? I showed her pictures of my room. Her response was "My goodness JodyAnn, you are more feminine than I am!" "Well I'm a girl?" "Yes you are" we both giggled. As I interact with about three hundred other women in the program only a portion have ever seen me dolled up. I fit in seemlessly as an everyday woman. I'm proud my presentation is never mistaken as a drag queen. If I was young and extremely pretty, I would do drag queen. As it is I'm so grateful to just be a helpmate to my sisters.

One day soon I will know who JodyAnn really is, make up and no make up. My sponsor so long ago told me "Jody in the program they say stick with the winners, I want you to stick with the women and get into the center of the herd!"

I really bought into that. God overheard the conversation and now look where I'm now at. Immersed in female, happy, loving and growing. I always just wanted to be one of girls. I have arrived... Hug. JodyAnn

[gennee]

Faith, the last sentence in your opening post says it all. Be yourself.

[Guest Faith gibson]

You're absolutely right Gennee. I'm pretty sure I'll always need to be the way I am just because it's who I am. It's OK, I like being me.

Faith

[Guest KerryUK]

Well, on a light hearted note - aren't we all a self centered bunch?

Me, me, me - that's all we ever talk about here (heehee).

But that's what this whole game is all about isn't it?

Being MEEEEEEE.

Kerry x

[Jani]

Since I started this journey I've often said "it's all about me!" I'm not holding back any longer.

Jani