Struggling in the closet

[hannah_elizabeth]

Okay,

so I'm pretty certain I am a female trapped in a male body. I just need to make sure because I've portrayed a manly man for a while now and it has led to alcoholism and suicidal thoughts before.I always needed a drink for a little while. I've come out to a close friend who asked me if I was transgender and told me she supports me.She actually helped to name me.

I've always repressed these feelings except when I'm home alone. As a teenager, I had easy access to my sister's clothes. I wore her dresses, bikinis, bras, panties, I wore it all. I always dreamed of having long, blonde hair. I've created several social media profiles before portraying myself as a blonde female and loved every second of it. While it feels so right to have these profiles, it also feels so wrong because I know I was born with the anatomy of a man and I told myself that I'm lying and will get in trouble when someone finds out I'm not really a girl (but perhaps, I actually am a girl and lying to myself).

I used to play manly sports in high school to repress these feelings and prove that I was a boy because I have super conservative christian parents. While in college, I continued to try and prove that I was a male because I had roommates and was afraid of being judged or beaten. Anytime the guys around me talk about girls and sex, I'm just completely grossed out. I've never wanted to be with a woman. I've had only one girlfriend, who I didn't even ask out. I turned down sex from her every single day. It was not fun being in that relationship. When I hang out with friends who are female, I feel at home because we go out shopping (even though I do not by anything) and talk. I sit and listen to them talk about their life and their boyfriends. I'm happy for them, but sometimes I just don't know how to respond.

Anytime I see a woman being cuddled and kissed by a man, I'm immediately jealous. I'm also jealous of pregnant woman. I want to be pregnant someday, but that is not possible. I was born with a male anatomy and so I'm unable to get pregnant.

I don't know if I'm attracted to guys. I'm pretty sure I'm sexually attracted to men, but physically and emotionally, I'm unsure of it. Sexual orientation will come at a later date, but right now I need to find out who I am. Am I transgender? Am I a woman trapped in a man's body? I've kept everything inside of me for so long, I do not know the answers to these questions. All of my sister's clothes are gone and I'm afraid of trying on my mother's clothes. I'm afraid. I don't know who I really am. Everyone looks at me today as an extremely manly man. They always tell me "pink isn't your color". As a teenager, I was looked down upon. People called me gay. I make easy friends with girls when I do not talk about sports. Sports is my "manly go-to" because i'm not into hunting or fishing or getting dirty. I don't understand cars. I'll take a romantic movie any day over an action flick. I like to be clean. I like to be pretty.

I need help finding out what/who I am. And yes, I wish I was born female. I think I would be a lot happier as a female. I've been told by multiple people, including my conservative mother, that I should have been born a girl. Why wasn't I born female? I wish I had that answer.

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's Hannah. Your story sounds a great deal like mine. I did marry and had children but i lived through a time when it was even harder to find oneself. The internet has changed that. Laura's has been very helpful for me. We are safe here to share our stories without being judged or preyed on. Please feel free to read and post. Your not alone.

Hugs,

Charlize

[SoSarah]

Welcome Hannah, we all have bundled up so many questions that burst to a starting point. A starting point is a good thing and you seem to be there. I hope the closet will become the place her clothes are hung and she lives her life (In style) if so needed for a quality life. Searching is very common among us and probably required so you can stand sturdy when the hard decisions you will need to cross and-or accept. We are all here with a our experience voices, but your own inner voice is what counts. Smile's... Sarah

[Jani]

Hannah, I would say you are transgender because as it's often been said, cisgender people don't question their gender like we do. I would recommend that you seek out a gender therapist. A good one will not direct you, but guide you on your journey of discovery.

Welcome to Laura's. Please join in the conversation.

Jani

[Guest Denise007]

you do not "have to be" anything. I would encourage you to find a way to feel safe sane and happy and a human person.

[hannah_elizabeth]

Thank you all so much!!!!! I hate being in the closet and I definitely need a gender therapist. I'm so locked up in a prison right now because I live with my parents, who are extremely conservative. Once I move out, I plan on seeing a gender therapist. There are certainly times of dysphoria for me, but I'm pretty certain I am a female trapped in a man's body.

I think most of my dysphoria comes from having to fake being a "man" and possibly also from drinking high amounts of alcohol. My bestie speaks on the phone with me and tonight she told me that I'm more feminine than she is because my favorite color is pink, I like high heels and I listen to bands like One Direction, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. (Does this make me feminine?) Coming out to her dramatically lowered my alcohol consumption. When I'm with my "guy friends" though,like i was this weekend, it all came back. When I play the role of a man, I drink. When I express myself as a female and know that I am, I do not care about alcohol. I am myself and I love myself. I just want to start showing it around the world though. I can't do that around my family. I guess I've answered my own question. I am a girl and I love being a girl! I'm proud to be a girl!