Breaking the Silence

[Guest Faith gibson]

Good Morning,

I would really like to post about what has happened this weekend. It has been a lot, yet there is still a day left. I plan on just working on report cards today though so today shouldn’t have any surprises for me. My apologies, it may long.

It’s not so much what has happened I guess but the affect these things are having on me. On Friday I left work early and went to the city to attend a conference called ‘Breaking the Silence’. Saturday had a number of speakers and workshops to go to. Of course all the people there were allies and it was a 'fairly' safe space for me. Most the supporters were there because of the LGB part of the community but there were a number of references and speakers addressing trans* issues. At one point the director of sports, at this university, a couple of coaches and some members of various teams showed up with a film they had produced with the message that “If You Can Play, Then You Can Play”.

I went to a workshop that was intended for educators and how to create safe spaces in schools. Many of the school here now have GSAs or students groups that meet and advocate for students that are gender or sexually diverse. Of course the use of washrooms was a hot topic as well as gym classes. It was all very nice and there were about 40 people in this particular break out session. You might think I would be feeling good about all this and I was, but only on a certain level. I mean I feel good that there is recognition now and people are stepping forward to be allies. There has been some legislation in this province with the hope that more is to come. As I sat there though and looked around the room, it occurred to me that I was one of possibly two TG people there. (Please don’t say I just didn’t recognize any others). No one gave me any special attention, for which I was immensely grateful for, but while everyone was talking about what needed to be done etc. for TG youth/people I couldn’t help feeling like all eyes were on me.

I left there and went to a workshop on blockers and hormones. It was being presented by the doctor I will be seeing in two weeks. She started talking about parents/people/family members that say things like “Why can’t they just wait? Why can’t they just go on like they have?” She answered that by describing how it was for a TG person, especially an older one like me, to wait any longer. We have already waited. I’m afraid I got fairly emotional as she was talking about this. I thought that what she was saying is true but it is hard for me to believe she knew the depth of those struggles. How family has to play catch up when it is something I have dealt with for decades. Again, in this workshop, only a few TG people, most were concerned parents or educators.

I went to the mall after the conference to buy some essential oils. The girl there recognized me from a previous visit. I’m not normally a memorable sort of person so what is it about me that she recognized? Well, like being at the conference, I am obviously TG.

And here is the problem I’m having this weekend. I don’t want to be the one in the room that everyone is noticing but trying not to stare at. Even amongst supporters, they have the upper hand(?) because they choosing to support you, they don’t need the support. I also feel very uncomfortable with the side glances etc. I sometimes am getting as I walk through the mall.

I am getting fairly comfortable at being myself in public again, after the loss of confidence from last spring, but I hate this constant scanning the faces of people passing by, the wondering about how, or if, I will be treated decently, the being alone, even within a group of supporters.

I am a very shy person. At the session that talked about safe spaces, I know they felt there were supplying a safe place for me, they even temporarily made sure all the washrooms had gender neutral signs on them, but I wanted to stand up and say what was really on my mind. I wanted to tell these very good intentioned people, that for me, there is no 100% ‘safe place’. In public I will always feel on guard.

Maybe for many of you, you have developed a network that provides those places for yourselves. Maybe you pass well enough that it is not really an issue. I am happy for you but for many people, like again me, that is quite likely never going to happen. I guess many will toughen up and deal with it in their own way. It just occurred to me this weekend though, that this is NOT going to be a small hiccup for me.

Faith

[Guest]

You hit on so many issues I am able to relate to, Faith.

Especially being one of a possible couple of Trans* identified people in a room can be uncomfortable. Been-there-done-that. Plenty of times. I think this is my way of paying it forward for a future generation.

The stares, and snickers, I have learned to ignore and I try to live my life to its fullest. I have accepted I will never be stealth. This is part of my life.

Good luck on your upcoming consult, Girl.

Huggs,

Joann

[VickySGV]

I think you are making wonderful progress there. In the case of your up-coming doctor, there are professionals who are what I consider to be "TRUE PROFESSIONALS" who have a deep empathy for their patients, and who listen, look and absorb the lives of the people they give care to. There are TEACHERS in that category as well, and they can do wonders for students whom other "teachers" abandon because of the investment that is needed, but they are there.

As far as always being "in the lime light" as Trans*, what has happened to me is that I let people know me, and in a relatively short period of time I become Vicky as a person (who, just by the way, is Trans*) on a one to one basis. In that way they lose focus on your being different and focus on the person who you really are. If you and the sales girl grin at each other and chat or gossip a bit the Trans* part of you sloughs off and only the person stands there having fun or at least a pleasant moment with others.

Over the past two years, I have come to actually enjoy it when I know I am the only living Trans* person in a large group, especially when it is one that does accept us. I was the only Trans* person who was a delegate to one of my church conventions for two years, (one person out of 800 people) and I have done other things as well. Maybe I am the unusual "junky" for that sort of thing, but I do take it as a challenge and feel so good when I get a person to smile at me instead of just stare. That is a high!! Be YOU, in time it will come, in time IT WILL COME!!

[jeanniesauve']

I too will always be recognizable as TG.I have come up with a few tricks that help me walk around the block,...let alone,go to the mall!Give yourself lots of credit,...I do,Faith.Firstly,I have trained myself to not make eye contact,unless needed.If walking the dogs,and someone passes,I focus on the dogs,pretending to keep them from encroaching on the passing person.If they engage in any way,I will respond in kind.We are not obligated to be all things to all people,...or anyone,but only to ourselves.Love is another matter.Next,when in a store,waiting in line,and the glances start,...I just know someone wants my autograph,but do not want to encroach on my personal time.Yes,I pretend I'm famous and everyone wants to see me,meet me,engage me and well just plain give me a smile.So,this way,even if it is a curiosity grin,it makes me smile,inside.I am not obligated to respond to anyone in any way.I can focus on anything in the store,and begin to focus on that,until it is my turn at the till.And,I'm still not obligated to befriend this clerk,...I can focus on the things behind the counter.In short,everyone looks at everyone,...we are people and we are naturally drawn to other people,only if just to glimpse other people.

And,I will say this,even if I were to wear anything that resembles female,....men are going to radar on that,from around the block.They can't help it,most of them are keyed into that as a Pavlovian response.And,I let myself smile and feel fem inside,..even if it is just a look,...but know this,they ARE checking us out.I believe this is the reward for all our hard work.

I had it beat into me,growing up,that it was more important what the neighbors thought of me,and never what I thought of myself.This state of mind just becomes unmanageable!Too many people,too many opinions,stares,looks,glances,...we are obligated to NONE of it!If you are not engaging out of recipreical love,then you are extending yourself out of some sense of obligation to how others must perceive you.It doesn't matter what we look like,(I walk the dogs in different degrees of fem,no makeup)just to get comfortable with the woman inside,and not the outward appearance of myself,that I would,in the past feel an obligation to provide some sort of explanation to someone who has nothing to do with us and our lives.

My inner self must come first,and I owe no-one,(other than those I actually love)anything.

I also have a magic pair of sunglasses that when I wear them,I can go anywhere and do anything a woman can do...can't help it...it's the glasses!

I never stop thinking about how I look,it's what us girls do!I just try not let myself consider how others must see me.

By the way,I think you look fantastic!...love jeannie

[tracy_j]

I think Vicky and jeannie have it here

In my experience being confident gets there. There are many situations I come across in which I don't really know how I am viewed these days except that I am taken as myself.

Even when it does not seem to work I am amazed sometimes.

Take this morning for example - Last week at the meat counter at the supermarket the assistant (I think) called me sir. She was obviously not in a good mood from her general demeanor. This week she said love and couldn't be more pleasant and chatty. In both cases I just behaved as myself. To me if I am 'a woman' I am 'a woman' and that is it. If people take me as trans then they do. I don't fight it, just be myself. It seems to work.

Not to worry anyone but safe places may relate to anyone in different circumstances. One can do little more than be careful. The experience of growing up helps us survive and it is either living in dangerous places (unluckily for some although there are ways of being safe even there) or not following our own rules which result in most problems.

Tracy