probably transgender. not sure though. maybe I'm just nuts.

[starlitJenny]

where do I start... well I do wish I had been born in a female body. seems transgender enough. but I'm wondering if it's more social in my case. Most of my friends have always been female.

I prefer that mostly except for the fact that there certain jokes women make that tend to cause me to become depressed enough that I might have committed suicide by now if I weren't used to the ups and downs of bipolar disorder... also being chased out of the room for social situations ciswomen only want ciswomen around for, being told males can't understand. That usually ends with me hiding out on the verge of tears as well...

I know they're mostly not being malicious since only three people know about it and two of them I don't deal with any more. That doesn't make it go away. don't get mad at them I just find it hard to take.

Also I think there's some inwardly focused misandry at play. and even though on a logical level I believe in equality for everyone, and I think judging people based on the group they belong to is downright stupid, there's an aspect of my mind that feels women are superior somehow. I can't get rid of that either. So in the end I'm not sure if I'm a transgender or just a self hating male.

[VickySGV]

Hi Jenny -- This is your first post here and it does introduce you, so I have moved you into Introductions where more of the group can get in and get to know you. I doubt that you are "Only a Self Hating Male" The things you talked about here are so much more than that. I never hated myself as male, I just knew that life as a male was not MY LIFE. As far as being tossed out of places where women are talking their secret special language, I do feel for you since I was there once. It can happen that they will see you as one of them some day and welcome you there. It is possible too that you will keep these feelings and never transition, and that is just fine. The Bi-polar issue you talk about does play a part as just being you and can make it harder to determine exactly your path is to be. That is why having a Therapist skilled in gender issues is something you need to consider.

Welcome to the Playground, read the stuff here already, and if you need to discuss something you do not see here, go ahead ans post your question as a new topic or piggy back it on an existing thread on your subject. Enjoy yourself here, you have posted enough to tell us you have a good reason to be here.

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Jenny,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. I hope you're able to find the answers you're looking for.

[MarcieMarie12]

Nope, not nuts. Just asking a question that you need to find the answer to within yourself. Nobody but you can know if you are trans or not. And for a lot of us, it takes time to figure out.

Hugs,

Marcie

[MaryEllen]

Hello Jenny,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. I will echo Vicky and say that a Gender Therapist would be able to help you find answers that you are looking for.

MaryEllen

[Guest ~Cadence~]

Hi Jenny, welcome to Laura's, were you will find all sorts of love and support while you figure "you" out! And that's the kicker- it's about figuring out who you are, what you want, and what you need.

Firstly, I agree with Vicky (usually a good idea, she gives good advice ?) in that a therapist is a good idea. A good therapist is going to get you to ask yourself some very hard questions that you, in your heart, need answers to. I don't know how viable that option is for you right now, seeking therapy, but it's a good first step. Also, gender dysphoria has a habit of being co morbid with many mental health issues such as mood disorders. Psychotherapy is kind of a one-two punch in this sense: it is proven to be extremely effective with mood disorders and can help you identify and know yourself (have I advocated for therapy enough yet? Jeeeze)

As for the cis-ladies; I feel you there. I know how bad it hurts to be one of the girls until you aren't, and then be violently shoved into the "other" social group. That pain is just a slap in the face, no? Or a knife in the chest. But like you said, there is no use being mad at them, right? They only act on what they perceive and what their families taught them to perceive.

By posting here, you have incidentally begun to walk down a road many of us have taken. None of our roads are the same, and the destination is different for each of us, but the roads are all still very similar. Many of the men and women here know the uncertainty of self you expressed, and truly want to share there strength and help you walk your path, no matter where it ends for you.

Except for self harm; that's a detour I strongly suggest you never, ever take, it's never a shortcut. Many of us have been on that side path before, or considered taking it. It will never get you to your real destination, no matter what it is. If you ever feel like you want to take that detour, talk to someone here, or call for help. You are not alone, and there are many people out there willing to share their strength and their hearts to help you through the hard parts of your road.

Ok, I'm done with this metaphor... For now. I speak for many of us, I believe, when I say we are here for you, no matter who you are

[Guest Raya]

Hi Jenny, and welcome! I hope you can find some answers here and IRL. My path towards self acceptance and away from self loathing has been great, life is much more fun.

[starlitJenny]

The oddity here is even though I have those feelings toward men and toward myself, I still have an idealized male self beside my idealized female self.

Therapy isn't so viable unfortunately, at least until I'm working. Finding a job has been difficult. Anxiety. Etc. obstacles I'm just now beginning to see how to overcome.

[Guest ~Cadence~]

The oddity here is even though I have those feelings toward men and toward myself, I still have an idealized male self beside my idealized female self.

Therapy isn't so viable unfortunately, at least until I'm working. Finding a job has been difficult. Anxiety. Etc. obstacles I'm just now beginning to see how to overcome.

[Guest ~Cadence~]

I think I just posted a quote of you, Jenny, for seemingly no reason. I actually asked a question in my original post that may have been glitches out (posting from a phone will do that)

I wanted to extend a hearty "that sucks" to your job/anxiety issue (been there) and to ask what you meant by having an idealized male self next to your idealized female self. Sorry for the odd postings

[starlitJenny]

have you ever pictured yourself as a perfect or complete version of yourself? Or what you'd want to be if you could choose every quality you had? that's kind of what I meant.

[VickySGV]

have you ever pictured yourself as a perfect or complete version of yourself? Or what you'd want to be if you could choose every quality you had? that's kind of what I meant.

Indeed indeed. Go on into my gallery now that you have over 5 posts and all I can say is that the most recent stuff is a near miss on what I expected or wanted, but still is my authentic view of myself. My picture of myself does change over time, and I change with it which is the one thing I have given myself permission to do. I am actually many images, each one true in its moment.

[Guest KerryUK]

Hi Jenny and welcome to the site,

You are definitely not nuts - you've come here and asked the questions, nothing wrong in that at all. They're a pretty good bunch here and will try their damnedest to answer any questions people may have. So ask away.

I remember the times when I was 'excluded' from conversations I felt I should have been involved in. Now I'm part of them and treated as one of the girls - I love it and it's where I knew I should be, what surprised me is how accepting women are when we reveal that we are women too. I feel it as a kind of 'privilege' - part of a very special group. For me, it's the right place.

Kerry

[gennee]

Welcome to Laura's, Jenny. You're not nuts, you're trying to discover who you are. I found my real identity nearly 11 years ago at age 56. Have never been happier.