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Scared and confused


JessicaSE

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I'm 27 year old, born male. In the past years I'm having this identity crysis, I don't know who I am and where is my place in this world.

I felt this discomfort whole my life, even when I was a younger (about 7-8 years old) I always had interest in womans clothing and it felt just right, when I wore some of my sisters clothes in secret. Back then I had a secret desire to be girl, when we were roleplaying I always wanted to get more feminine role and so on.

One the things I remember very clearly about at that age I discovered an article in some magasine which told a story of TS woman that had undergone surgery and felt great about it afterwards, this story amazed me and in someway I felt connected to it. I never dared to ask my parents about, because in the society where I grew up LGBT community is still a tabu. This makes it more difficuilt for me to try to speak to my relatives about it, I can't tell my friend just yet, becuase I dont know how till they react.

Growing up and going through highschool was a difficult time for me, I never felt accepted anywhere... Thought that I'm different always followed me, even in my early 20's sometimes I just went on the Internet and reasearched what it's like being TS, what do people feel and how they go through it. Had a constant thought in my head that maybe..maybe.. This always resulted in me repressing everything and continuing with my life.

From that age up till now, I had constant feeling that I'm a girl and that I want to change my physical appearance and actually live my life fully, without having to worry about anything else. But these feeling are mostly comming in waves, tend to happen 2-4 times per year and usually last up to 2-3 weeks. Sometimes I even had thought "wow, she has a nice top/necklase" I wonder how it would look on me. I always had an admiration for womans clothing and make-up, and felt sad that I can't do the same.

Repressing my thoughts was one of my main counter to this, but it gets harder every time I do it.This thought never fades away, it's always there. Just sometimes it intesifies and it becomes harder for me to concentrate on my daily routine. This time it's more intense than usual, the dreams and thoughts are not periodical but going constantly through my head.

Other times I'm just an ordinary guy, working as Network Engineer , have both female and male friends. Thought of going to therapist scares me a bit. Not because it's a therapist, but I don't like going to doctors in general.

I feel confused at this point and don't know what to do...

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  • Root Admin

Hello Jessica,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. I understand your confusion. We were all a bit confused at first. It's a common factor among us. You really should talk with a gender therapist. I understand your fears. If the thought of facing a therapist is frightening to you, perhaps you would feel better talking with one online. There are many available. http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm I would urge you to do so.

We have a real time chat here. Our moderators are trained counselors and I'm sure could help you with your fears. The chat does require a separate registration but you can still use the same username and password that you use here for the forums. You must have Java installed on your device in order to access the chat.

You're among friends here so don't be afraid to reach out.

MaryEllen

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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome to Laura's Jessica. As Mary Ellen mentioned, therapy helps a great deal. I found that being able to be open and share with another person who would not judge me was very important in finding some comfort with myself.

I also have learned a great deal here. Both reading and sharing with others has been important.

Glad your here. You are not alone.

Hugs,

Charlize

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Guest erinanita

Hi Jessica,

You are definitely in the right place to have some of your questions answered. There's nothing unusual about the life you've lived. Scared and confused comes from feeling a need to venture outside of the parameters set by your family and/or your community. Eventually you will find the courage to investigate your feelings and how they relate to the rest of the world.

I felt the same way until I was in my fifties and so did many others here because we did not have the advantage of universal communication - the internet. In fifteen years I've finally made the move to be the person I know I always was. That was because I found out that I was not alone. Neither are you, Jessica. Stick around, read lots, talk lots and ask questions. You'll find your way here.

Happy travels.

Erin (Thtufus)

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  • Forum Moderator

Hello Jessica and welcome. Your thoughts are not uncommon; discomfort, fear, repression. I'll echo the advice of my friends concerning a counselor. It can be liberating to talk to someone. I hope you feel comfortable here and join in the conversation.

Jani

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Jessica

Welcome :)

I will echo previous advice and say that repressing things is never a good idea as they will just keep coming back and until you accept and understand you will not be happy.

It is a good idea to read around a bit on Laura's and ask questions if you have any (I am sure you will as we all have). You will start to accept that your feelings are not un-natural and find ways of accomodating them. It is possible to begin to address your fears and placate them in ways without going to a full transition or other major step until you get to understand where you are on the gender spectrum and know where you wish to be.

Tracy

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Thank you all for the hearthwarming welcome!


It feels alot better after sharing my thoughts with someone even tho, it's on the forums. I never told this story to anyone in my life.

After reading these forums for a bit I come to understanding that I'm not alone in this situation.


I will deffinetly take into consideration about contacting a gender therapist online, as at the moment it feels more comfortable to do that and that I can do that from home.


One the questions that I'm still wondering about, is there any stages that everyone goes through berfore making first steps?



Jessica

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Jessica,

I can only speak from my own experience. I had spent years repressing those same kinds of feelings. It doesn't work. At least it sure didn't for me. Finally, that dam that I had been holding those feelings back with burst. It was an unstoppable tide. You're doing the right thing by talking, listening, and asking questions now. And from this point forward, you never have to be alone again. You've got friends here. Welcome to Laura's Playground!?

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