Hi, I'm Lauren, and I'm begging the process of accepting I'm trans

[OnThePath]

Hi everyone, I'm here because I want to meet and interact with other transpeople, and hopefully gain greater wisdom about myself and what it is to be trans in the world. I'm 30 years old, and for the last several months or so, I've been kind of on a journey discovering my femininity, and over the last month, I've been finally coming to the conclusion that I think I am much happier as a feminine person and I want to transition. It started out I think when I made a friend who is a transwoman (we're now in a relationship,) and she got me to kind of open up about my curiosity in "crossdressing" (I always kind of knew I wanted to CD, but I never really allowed myself to think about it much,) and so I bought some underwear, and my friend, she gave me some extra wigs and makeup she had. When I got the package in the mail, I was so excited, and when I put it on, I cried. At the time, I didn't know what those tears meant exactly, but I guess I just thought it was of relief after denying myself this desire for so long. I originally thought this was a fanciful desire, that was maybe a sexual curiosity/kink, but as I got to dressing up more (putting on wigs/makeup and shaving my body,) I started having more thoughts and vague desires about what it would be like to have feminine body parts. My thoughts were very centered around breasts, I became very obsessed with imagining myself with them, and since breasts having always been things I'm very turned on by, I thought maybe this was some extreme fetish thing. I started getting more and more into the idea of a feminine body in general, I started to get more and more dysphoric about my male attributes (height, baldness, size, lots of body hair.) I've felt for a while that I don't really feel that strong of an identity as a man, or a woman, and I still don't think I have a strong gender identity, but I did start to develop/unleash a more feminine version of my persona that I'd kind of switch into when I was dressed up. The first time I got dressed up in a full outfit/wig, and my friend did my makeup (she's very talented at it,) I had another pretty strong emotional release when I looked in the mirror.

For a few months, I just went back and forth, uncertain about who I was, what this was about, and whether really pursuing this as a permanent identity was the right thing for me to do (I was scared I'd end up making a mistake and regretting a permanent change I might have made.) I just kept weighing the evidence of both sides, with thoughts like "Well, I really really want these body changes, like I obsessively think about it, I get sad and envious when I see other women," and "But I'm also very much like a guy in X ways, I don't feel very 'girly', and why aren't I dressing up more in my free time than I do?" It went back and forth like that for a long time. I experimented dressing up in public some, but probably not as much as I could have. I'm thinking maybe I was afraid of finding out the answer, and/or since I still live with my dad, I just felt too confined to do it more. Another thing that kind of held me back is that I'm very hairy (back, upperarms, shoulders, chest, stomach, butt, neck,) and if I was hairy, it was hard for me to feel feminine, even if I put on clothes and makeup, so I often just didn't do anything until I felt like doing the painstaking chore of shaving/trimming my body hair.

I'm just a very skeptical and indecisive person, so I just agonized over this, and it was putting a strain on my relationship too, because my partner, she wasn't really sure how to see me, and she was conflicted in that she's not really attracted to girls, but also wanted to support me. I tried thinking back to my past, trying to look for signs that I was trans, and I thought of a few examples that could've been interpreted that way, but also maybe interpreted as I just had chronic depression (which I suffer from) and was just disillusioned with who I was in general. To skip to the present day though, over the last month I've just been picking up my exploring activities, and just it's been dawning on me more and more that this is making me happier, that my hesitations had more to do with how other people would view me, than how I viewed myself. I had a few sessions with a therapist at my LGBT center that focused more on trans issues (I had to stop because I had another therapist and there was too much conflict,) and went to a support group, and I just kept getting confirmation that the direction I was going in was making me feel better, so I'm just now just facing the likely truth that this is who I am and what I need to do.

I'm still not 100% certain yet (like I said, I'm a staunch skeptic at heart,) but pretty darn certain, so I'm mostly focused on reaching out and to continue exploring, and also figuring out how I'm going to transition (physically, and socially.) I've been out of work for a long time, I've had problems with depression, social anxiety, strong suicidality, a lack of desire and knowledge of what to do with my life, and just feeling detached from myself and my life. Ever since HS ended up for me, I've just been in this daze of trying to survive without a job, and trying to check out of reality mentally by just avoiding things as much as I could. I've been going to therapy for like 4 years now, and I feel like this has maybe been the long awaited result of a lot of soul-searching. The problem right now is that I need to just get a job already, find a way towards independence from my dad, before I can come out to my family. I want to start getting on hormones soon, but I don't know if I can come out until I don't need my dad's support, or if I can show my dad that I'm close to being on my way out. He's a Christian conservative, and while he's not as extreme as some, I don't think he'll take this very well, but I do think the rest of my immediate family will be okay with it.

Anyway, just needed to get this out, and see if anyone has any insight or advice to offer. I want to start making progress, and I feel like reaching out to the trans community can help with this. Thanks for reading, and I look forward to responses.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Lauren,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

MaryEllen

[Guest]

Welcome to LP Lauren.

Huggs,

Joann

[OnThePath]

Thank you both so much, I really look forward to being on this site

[Guest Denise007]

Lauren, what is your plan?

[MarcieMarie12]

Well, I was at that 90+ % sure and was looking to get it to 100% for more than a few months post denial. I'm at the 100% (or so close that it is more likely that I'd win the lottery than change my mind). Especially after starting HRT, which gave me a clearer head and I felt less like I was in a daze and more connected to the world. You'll get there given time, and be happy you have a long life ahead of you. 5 years from now this will be memory, and you'll be in a better place I am sure.

Welcome to Laura's and a hug,

Marcie

[OnThePath]

Lauren, what is your plan?

I'm on medi-cal right now (I'm a CA resident,) so I'm gonna try to find what's the best route to get HRT with that insurance, and get a job so I can perhaps eventually move out. I'm gonna try to hold on coming out to my family until my sister moves near my area, so in case my dad doesn't take it very well and he wants me gone, I can get a helping hand from my sister. I feel like I'm sure enough to just go forward now, no point in agonizing more than I already have.

[OnThePath]

Well, I was at that 90+ % sure and was looking to get it to 100% for more than a few months post denial. I'm at the 100% (or so close that it is more likely that I'd win the lottery than change my mind). Especially after starting HRT, which gave me a clearer head and I felt less like I was in a daze and more connected to the world. You'll get there given time, and be happy you have a long life ahead of you. 5 years from now this will be memory, and you'll be in a better place I am sure.

Welcome to Laura's and a hug,

Marcie

Thanks.

[tracy_j]

Hi Lauren

Welcome

I think getting this out has been a good start as you will begin to feel a bit more relaxed, not keeping things so much under wraps.

As you have found - people are friendly and helpful here

Good luck on your journey

Tracy x

[Guest Denise007]

Lauren, what is your plan?

I'm on medi-cal right now (I'm a CA resident,) so I'm gonna try to find what's the best route to get HRT with that insurance, and get a job so I can perhaps eventually move out. I'm gonna try to hold on coming out to my family until my sister moves near my area, so in case my dad doesn't take it very well and he wants me gone, I can get a helping hand from my sister. I feel like I'm sure enough to just go forward now, no point in agonizing more than I already have.

Well, I'm not one to tell people what they want hear, so I'll just hold back on that and just suggest that: the way you manage life now will be pretty much the same way you live as female.

Point: you do not "have to" transition to be happy in life.

One more suggestion; spend allot of time in real time as female. You will soon know if the want is based on the superficial things of feminity vs real life.

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's Lauren. I'm glad you have found us. Denise mentioned trying to live as much as you can as a woman prior to making a decision and starting any medical intervention. I did that and spent a year or more living as myself away from my home before i made a decision to go full time. If i couldn't live, work and live comfortably as a woman transition seemed foolish. It took me time to become comfortable as myself. At one point living full time for a period was required before any medical actions would be taken. While no longer the case, that requirement had some rationale.

I have to agree that the most important thing for you now is to become independent by finding work. It would most likely be easier to do that as a male but many do transition on the job and many major employers are very supportive.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest JuliaJem]

Hi Lauren,

Welcome to the boards.

I find that we share very similar stories. I'm also in my early 30s and have only in the last year come to terms with being transgender.

I share the very same doubts and anxieties that you have about exploring your femininity.

You aren't alone with how you are feeling and will find great support here.

Cheers,

Julia

[Guest KerryUK]

Hi Lauren,

Welcome to the site.

Denise and Charlize make some very good points in my view.

There are two very important things :-

Transition can be tough, harder for some than others and once you start telling people, there's no going back. Like Denise said, you don't have to transition and especially if you aren't sure. Transition doesn't necessarily 'end' in surgery either.

Starting on Hormones should always be done with the help of a professional - they are too dangerous to mess around with. Again, if there are any doubts, once you start on hormones, you'll soon realise whether they are right for you - I've known cases where the person stopped within months because of the effects they had were not what was expected.

I've run out of time to write any more now but I hope there is sufficient here to give you something to mull over.

Kerry

[OnThePath]

Thank you so much for the responses, everyone. It's definitely something for me to consider. Maybe I'll hold off on looking for hormones, and just keep trying to live out as much time as I can as a woman. I guess I do feel a bit impatient right now to go forward, but I suppose, there's no harm in waiting until I'm even more sure of my decision. You've given me some things to think about, thank you so much for taking the time to offer your advice on my situation