The Most Odd Belief You've Ever Had

[Guest Eagledancer]

When I was a child (back when hello was pronounced "ugha"), the buzz phrase was "free love". The automatic washing machine had destroyed the family unit. People were struggling to make sense of when and who would drop the big nuke. Vietnam was more than a country. It was a time of fear, but also a time of contemplation. I was raised in a home where my mother could have been put in prison almost daily (by today's standards) for the extreme measures she took to "keep order in the home". I reclused into myself at a very young age to make sense of what I was experiencing. I was forced to grow up fast, so my childlike mind often took on the most adult ideology. By the time I was 4-5 years old, I knew I was a boy. I didn't know that being a boy required any physical criteria. Oddly, I don't have any knowledge of ever having any different thoughts. The problem was that I was now at an age that I knew that I was missing something. I struggled with this. I sought answers at Church. In my confused mind, I put so much weight in the lessons of sin and punishment. I convinced myself, mostly thanks to the wholesome teachings of Mother, that I was responsible for the absence of my most identifying anatomy. I had to be because I was responsible for everything that went bad in the home. My Dad often called me his "little man", so I knew that he was on the same page as me as far as me being a boy. We would often go fishing and talk about anything and everything - except Mother. I remember seeing a short film on puberty and the "massive" changes that would occur. At the age I was, the information was not detailed - it was just that big things would happen. I asked my Dad on one of our fishing trips if I would be different after puberty. All he said was that I wouldn't recognize myself once I was through it. I know words probably would never describe the glee I felt to have my Dad say (although he didn't) that I would become a man. I convinced myself that if I was a good person that my miracle would occur in puberty. I went from barely passing school to straight A's. I quit being angry outwardly. I accepted beatings on behalf of others just trying to get God's attention that I was a changed person. I had to have that miracle. I won't tell you how puberty went. I think you probably have an idea. It was the realization that I had failed as a male that led me to somewhat conform to the female anatomy I was born with and trying to do the best with a bad situation.

I am just curious if anybody else has suffered from a belief that turned your life upside down. Trans folk are complex people. I have never met one that wasn't. I often believe that it is that complexity that makes us a little brighter than the average bulb (not better - just brighter)! As always, I hope this post finds all who reads it to be in good health, mind, and spirit. May we all hold on to the fact that there is always hope...it is held in the next minute, hour, day, or week. Godspeed.

[Guest B.heard]

I have no idea at what age I realized I was a boy or more realized the body I had was wrong but by the age of 6/7yrs it was strong enough for me to sit down and try to write a letter to my mother to explane this and get the right body I dont remember the letter only it had taken a few trys to get it right, and before I gave it to her she had done one of her often room inspections and found a version tossed in the rubbish.

All hell broke lose after that my mother was also abusive verbally physically and mentally she was good at it she told all the rest of her kids what I had said in order for them to tease and bully me and told me this. she told lots of other family members in order to shame me in front of them but I was not ashamed and she told me people who say things like sex change get sent to mental homes with locked bars and proceeded to take me to one of these homes to have me locked away but at the gates offered me a deal, never mention wanting to be a boy again and i could come back home with her.. I was maybe 7 I gave in and stayed silent.

She was on my case everyday after that from the clothes I wore to the kids I would be friends with everything was a battle. I did the same things I often prayed Id wake up and have the right body, for years my only dream was being given this white pill and in the morning all would be ok...and then puberty came and she offered no comfort from the day I was forced into my first bra I dont think I was ever happy again for many years.

By the end of puberty her only words of wisdom to me were why dont you just go and sleep around with some boys and try it out, Id spent 16yrs of my life with her and she didnt even know me the real me was my own secret, I havent mentioned my father much because he didnt live with us and was only allowed to see me once a week he was a good man kind and though I never told him but I dont think it would have been that bad my father died when I was 16 yrs and that effected me badly and I ran away from home from my mother I never went back.

I survived, I grew up and slowly my eyes opened up... my mother really did make me think the very worst thing about me was my gender disphoria that its was that, that made me a bad person and that I had to hide it no matter what, the day I broke that wall and spoke out Ive never felt better, more free.

I kept in contact with some of my siblings and as adults we get on fine but as for my mother if I walked past her on the street and asked her for the time she wouldnt know who I was anymore and I pitty her for that not me.

[Guest OneOutOfnOne]

Once I believed in the Animorphs.

I believed that a certain percentage of the population was going around with parasitic aliens in their heads, and that the planet was about to become a battleground for an intergalactic war we humans had no clue about. I believed this explained the changes in my mother's behaviour after she married my stepfather. I believed that some of the animals I saw around me were disguised humans and aliens fighting for the freedom of all.

[Guest DanM]

My Mother knew about the same time I did that something was different about me, but turned a blind eye. I was about 4. She did everything she could to make me feel like I was crazy and if I didn't watch it the police was going to take me away. Then by the time I reach 7 I was really confused and actually almost blew my head off with my father shotgun. My belief being if I could die and then come back again I would be male. Being Native American we believe in reincarnation. Well the beating I got for that was enough to make me stop and hide my feelings for about another 7 yrs. Puberty had already hit a couple yrs before and I was determined I needed to die to be who I was, so I then wrecked a motorcycle right thru a chainlink fence and into a mobile home. I damaged myself pretty good but never succeeded in my suicide attempt. But because the mobile home I hit was a neighbors I ended up in court, which ended me up on probation. That was the best thing that ever happened to me, because my probation officer actually listened to me. Since that day my life has changed I have been able to explore who I really was without limitations or interference brought on by my parents.