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Guest StrandedOutThere

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Guest StrandedOutThere

Talking to family always bums me out, which makes me extra sad because I actually like my family quite a lot. Today my mom, sister, sister's fiance, and grandmother were all excited because they finally got Skype to work with the webcam. They were about to bust at the seams if they couldn't call me right away. I had just woken up, but managed to get it together enough to turn on the computer and set up my webcam.

I'm putting my shirt on and start hearing the little Skype beep boop noise, so I hit the button to accept the call. There is much fumbling on their end. I can hear my mom asking. "Is that you? Hello?"

They finally get it together and figure out that they have successfully managed a Skype call. Not bad for a team of 4 adults.

I've turned on my webcam by this point and they can see me, but I can't yet see them. More fumbling and failure ensues.

Once they get the webcam window to open, my grandmother comments. "Oh my god, look at her hair. Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus *voice training off at the end*" <--- My granny is an old southern lady. She often punctuates commentary with "Oh lord...", "Jeeeeeeeeesus", "have mercy", and this weird, quiet "whooooo" sound that she makes when something is appalling.

Her? Who's that? Oh wait, that's me. *embarrassment and shame*

My mom's very happy that she's managed to use both Skype and the webcam at once. They're all happy and chattery. Granny's confused about the computer box. She wants to know what that white thing on her face is. It's the mouse pointer. My sister, who is not a child (28 years old) is dancing around in the background and generally being amusing. It's a big, happy mad house.

I'm out to the family, but I don't think they understand what all of that means. They keep calling me "she" without any hesitation, without any reservation at all. I'm not looking to much like "she" these days. My family knows I've had surgery, or at least my mom and sister do. I'm guessing everyone else knows what they know because that's how we do things. There's a chain of command and information flows throughout.

Of course, I was pleasant and nice and kept my "good child" face on. They were so happy. There was no reason to cause a big family event and mar the first Skype call with webcam. That'd be mean. Still, every "she" hit me like a punch in the gut. I really want my family to understand and at least try to use correct pronouns. I've been on T for just over 6 months now. My voice should definitely be a good reminder about pronouns.

Right now I guess I'm feeling a little lucky that my family has taken my transition so well thus far. I guess talking to them about pronouns isn't going to make them suddenly not supportive. It is going to make them uncomfortable. I guess that's just part of accepting things.

I'm not really asking for advice or anything. Mostly I just wanted to vent and share. That's all. I'm going to have to have another chat with the family. It will probably be a little like coming out...again. This time it'll just be a reminder of what I told them before and a reminder that I wasn't kidding.

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wow, they sould as clueless about technology as i am :P

you know, when you quoted "oh my God, look at her hair" i actually got confused. the first thing i did was check to see if i had actually read a girl's post :lol: i dont get it, you dont look a thing like a girl. i've seen bioguys more effeminate than you. hope the talk goes well with your family. that has got to be kind of akward. i wish you best of luck.

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Guest kirsty

I know what you mean here. My parents when I first told them carried on using incorrect pronouns and generally talking to me as a boy. At first i thought this was just accidental, but the more it happened the more i realized that it was actually being done on purpose. I don't think this is what they are doing to you, but it's how my mother behaved. I think she thought if she buried her head in the clouds or up her own backside (sorry about that but it makes me angry) that I would accept what they were saying and change my mind.

I now have the whole coming out again thing with my parents. They did know, but thought they had one the battle and that I have reconsidered. So like you, its kinda me having to give them a gentle reminder

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Guest ~Brenda~

Hey Stranded!!

Your family knows who you are, but refuses to acknowledge it!! They accept you, but are in denial. Teach them, you are not kidding, this is serious!! Improper pronouns cannot nor will not be tolerated nor accepted anymore!! They have come this far with you, they can start using the right pronouns!!

If I may... what can I call you besides "StrandedOutThere"?

LOL

bernii

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Guest StrandedOutThere
If I may... what can I call you besides "StrandedOutThere"?

Ainsley. That's what I answer to away from the computer. :)

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Guest April63

Well, hopefully your family will accept you and continue to love you. Just don't give up, and try to teach them that there isn't anything wrong with who you truly are. They should get used to it, and begin to support you.

April

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Well Buddy you got the same problem most of us has with family members. I wish you good luck handling it. I use to think it was always accidental too, but it really isn't.

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Guest StrandedOutThere

I'm thinking stuff will sink in with time. It's hard to be mad at my grandmother. She's 87 and has some memory problems. My mom and sister just don't seem to understand how important it is to me. We're definitely going to have a talk before my sister's wedding. My mom said some things last time I was home that suggested that she understood at least some important changes that would happen. For example, she didn't challenge the idea of me wearing a suit to my sister's wedding. She also said "you and your brother can be the doormen". So, she at least gets some stuff.

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Guest Nekomata

Don't take it personally! Parents and family are funny creatures. They don't even really know they're using the wrong pronoun. It's just what they've associated with 'you' since you've been born. I can definitely relate. Whenever I'm out in public with my mom, my mom calls me 'he'; it really confuses waiters and clerks.

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Guest bronx

Stranded-

I had this problem at first with my family as well and trust me it hurts and I tried my best not to stirr things up but it got to the point for me at least when I just couldn't take it anymore. What I did was everytime the called me she I would just ignore them, then I started to say he or him right after they said she. I had to talk to them more thatn once and acturally told them to just call me Angel until they can get the pronouns right. It took a while and now they don't slip anymore. Also it doesn't matter how you look, they see you as they have always seen you , and it can be hard for them to make the adjustment, but you still need to let them know that calling you she is not who you are.

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Guest StrandedOutThere
Don't take it personally! Parents and family are funny creatures. They don't even really know they're using the wrong pronoun. It's just what they've associated with 'you' since you've been born. I can definitely relate. Whenever I'm out in public with my mom, my mom calls me 'he'; it really confuses waiters and clerks.

Hi Michelle! I haven't seen you around in a while. :)

Yeah, I try not to take it personally or anything. It is a lot to ask for them to suddenly switch over and be error free. It's just that when it slips sometimes it feels like they aren't even trying. With my friends, they say they have a feeling of "caution" every time they are about to use a pronoun for anyone...not just me. I have upset everyone's pronoun usage!

Angel, I probably am going to have to have several chats with everyone. My friends are just using my first name instead of pronouns. I think they feel almost embarrassed to call me "he" sometimes. Maybe they don't think I pass well and feel like they look foolish by calling me by male pronouns.

Oh...get this. I have to present my research in front of the department next Friday. I guess that'll start the rumor mill with people who don't know me. Fun. It's like my coming out party! I'm already out to most people, but chose not to make a mass address to everyone. Why should I specifically talk to people I've only interacted with once in 5 years? Let them find out on their own.

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Guest Leigh

i guess its all that awkwardness that's been stopping me from coming out to my family... but if you can face it once, i'm sure you'll be fine doing again...and again...and hey, it should get easier each time you have to remind them, right?

as for your friends not thinking you pass... bull i say. you look more manly than a lot of bioguys i know. you're definitely male, i can't even see how people could think you're female.

good luck with your presentation

peace&love

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Guest Pól_Eire

I hear you, man. That's really tough. I wish I had advice for you, but my relationship with my family is pure awful right now. Angel's advice makes a lot of sense to me though, I think I'm going to try using some of that the next time I talk to my parents.

Good luck with everything, and let us know if you find a strategy that works well.

-Pól

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