A most unusual case

[Sedona]

Greetings to all in the community!

I believe that I truly belong here. I feel I have tapped into a place of kindred spirits here. How I arrived here is quite unusual.

Gender has many shades of grey; if you are familiar with the Bem Sex Role Inventory, I scored 88 on the feminine, 66 on androgynous, and 62 on masculine. I have always had an awareness of a very strong female identity; while having lived as a male up until now. I experimented with wearing makeup and cross-dressing as a teen; then absolutely repressed that for the longest time. I will cross-dress in complete privacy in most recent years. I am fascinated my Kate Hudson's line of yoga pants and athletic wear. I have never had the nerve to order anything. I would have gone on living predominately as a male had some not happened that changed everything.

​I was recently diagnosed with urethral cancer. It is extremely rare; especially in males—it is known as a "female cancer". There are only about 2,000 reported cases in the medical literature. My urologist had never seen it before. Due to the fact that my cancer is localized and has not spread to the lymph nodes, and the location of the tumor right in the middle of the urethra; I have options open to me. The treatment protocol: perineal urethrostomy (female length urethra re-routed and a female pee hole) and a full penectomy. Leaving me with a mutilated male genitalia, or worse, having a non-functional franken-phallus reconstructed that would absolutely traumatize me even more. Not at all interested!

(nothing at all against FtM by the way, I am not Female to Male though, so the whole phallus reconstruction thing is a different context for me!)

It quickly came to strike me that SRS surgery achieves my medical objectives ( 2cm clean margins where the tumor is), spares me from both radiation and chemotherapy treatments, retains sexual functioning, and provides a psychological outcome (having a vagina and not a mutilated genitalia or, what for me, is a franken-phallus) that I can live with. I am very non-binary; my feminine aspects are also most dominant—so female genitalia is more than acceptable to me. The alternative is not. Now I am working to form a network of advocates around me so I can make this happen.

Here is the twist: I would still be looking to live predominately male in public (more female in private) and not fully transition to a female (not right now anyway, perhaps not ever). I would want to do testosterone therapy post-op and not estrogen.

Does anybody in the community have any knowledge of this ever being done? Testosterone versus estrogen post-op?

Much gratitude,

~Sedona

[Charlize]

First of all welcome to Laura's. Your story is certainly not what seems typical but it certainly shares many aspects of my own. I have had elective surgery. In my case it was an orchiectomy. My doctor stressed the need for me to be on some form of hormone after surgery as otherwise bone loss can be extreme. In my case i chose E. I would guess that T would be ok as well but that would be something that you'd need to discuss with your doctor. I would recommend that you get an appointment with a gender therapist. With the history you have described and the path you are considering some counseling with a person experienced with gender issues could really help you with your decision.

I'm glad you have found us here. Please continue to share your experiences as well as reading about the experiences of others. That may also help with your decision.

Whatever path you choose best of luck!

Hugs,

Charlize

[MaryEllen]

Hello Sedona,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing with us.

MaryEllen

[VickySGV]

In the past we have had a member who received vaginoplasty while still living mainly as a male. I know of one person IRL. It will depend on "Medical Necessity" which should not be hard to show in this case. You will need to see a Gender Therapist to help designate the vaginoplasty as medical necessity in most areas though.

[Sedona]

Thank you much to Charlize and Vicky for your insights and sharing!

You both have been a tremendous help. Just to learn of even the first example of vaginoplasty while still living mainly as a male helps a lot. I am also pursuing contacting a potential gender therapist in my area. The whole topic of "medical necessity" appears to be paramount as well.

I believe medical encompasses a broad spectrum of physical, the psychological, the spiritual, and quality of life issues.

Again, not very binary. I am completely attracted to the feminine in every way. My closest connections are always with women, the circles I run in like metaphysical and yoga—predominately female. I am a grayish mixture though of feminine, androgynous, and masculine. I am either a lesbian female or a straight male depending on how one chooses to view me.

A cancer diagnoses is a no BS scenario in more ways than one. It brings everything to light.

~Sedona

[gennee]

A hearty welcome to Susan's, Sedona.

[Guest KerryUK]

Hi Sedona,

Welcome to Laura's and feel free to ask questions, as you're already experiencing, we try our best to answer as best we can.

Kerry

[Sedona]

Thank you for all the feedback and suggestions here.

This is turning into more than a bit of frustration at this point though. Does look like any actual Gender Therapists are available where I live. Perhaps even harder to find than an electrolysist that does genital electrolysis!

~Sedona

[Guest]

A belated welcome. Hug. JodyAnn

[Jessie_P]

I am very interested to learn what you find out. After a dozen years (mostly) comfortably navigating internally female and externally male, I've decided to seek a full transition. At the same time, given my height and voice, and a large and very traditional segment of my circle of friends that would probably ostracise me if I prayed on the women's side of the synagogue, I'd like to be able to at least visit the externally male me from time to time.