Introduction: Jeannine

[Guest Jeannine Bean]

I'm 29, and I live abroad.

I've known I thought of myself as a girl from age 4 or so. Then I thought of myself as preferring to be a woman as I got older. When I was young I thought I'd grow up to be a woman. For many years I considered killing myself. For many years I tried, but it's pretty hard for me to do. Finally I looked around and discovered recently that my life is really good, and I have many good things and people who love me, and the possibility to do the things I enjoy for many years to come... Yet, I need to accept myself for who I am and fully express what I feel to be uniquely me. If I continue to live with myself deeply internalized I'l keep going crazy, as I have many times over many years.

Knowing that I'm a woman touches many aspects of my life, and so now I'm accepting and acting upon that. You could say I'm transitioning. I recently changed my name, and am doing it legally to Jeannine (though it's a little harder to do when you live abroad, it's possible). I'll be called that from now on. I'm choosing to have as many markers of my being a woman as I can place out there. I wear clothing mostly appropriate for my gender (though almost anything is considered appropos for women, so I dislike this frame). Mostly I like stuff that I think looks good on me!

I still look like I look. I sound like I sound (though I'm training my voice pretty actively) Fortunately, people here don't know enough about our language to know that's a woman's name, so the way I look doesn't interfere with things too much. My English native speaker fellow expats either are cool with me or they're not. C'est la vie. I'm not going to be friends with everyone in the world!

I don't feel too restricted in communication and behavior by my gender norms. I believe that men and women alike have a very broad spectrum of feelings, desires, and attitudes. I've been really critical of something being called "the way women go about it" or "the way men go about it" for a long time. Many of those things differ by culture, and I think that without the cultural programming, the overlap of almost any behavior that can be described would become very large indeed. I don't think that "women are nurturing, caring and alluring" and "men are aggressive, confident and brash" for instance, because my father and mother were quite the opposite, with my father being one of the kindest, gentlest and most caring people ever and my mom being the go getter, and also the one who was violent when I was growing up. That's a single example, but I believe that any behavior overlaps. A lot.

Money was always my obstacle to doing more of what I want but now I'm in a lucrative field in a country where cost of living is cheap and I can finally afford all the hair removal, then soon some Facial Feminization surgery. I will probably do it as I can afford it, starting with brow and trachea, then jaws and nose, or whatever other order might make sense, instead of waiting for the whole shebang in one pop. Hopefully I'll be making even more money soon so fixing the damage to my face from 20 years of testosterone is a high priority for me. I'm looking into hair solutions that women who have had chemo or other serious hair loss (as I have had) often find work for them.

SRS, I don't know. There's a lot of dice rolling in that matter. I read the papers published even by some of the best surgeons and looking at things like tissue necrosis happening "to some degree" in x%, "to a slight degree" in x%, and "to a large degree" in x% kind of freaks me out. I'm not yet comfortable with that kind of gamble, though some people come out really good in the end and my genitals are a constant source of unhappiness and frustration for me. I'd like to have them restored and I could afford it within the next year... but I want it done well.

Anyways, I'm just living my life, trying to stay skinny, cleaning my apartment a lot this week (we've got a roach infestation!), working on all my little projects, playing Dungeons and Dragons with my friends.. I hope someday my gender identity can fade into the background and I can just enjoy my life.

--Jeannine

[Sally]

Well, hello, Jeannine,

What a lovely name and a wonderfully informative introduction.

I feel like I know a good deal about you already.

Why don't you take a break from all of that cleaning and come sit here in the members lounge, I'll get you some cookies and milk.

we don't have roast infestations here and we try to keep it tidy.

A few nasty viruses try to get in but we watch them pretty close.

Relax and others will come by very soon.

Welcome to the forums.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME

It is so fun to hear from a new person with a sense of who she is. Your story is so like most everyone here, some going the other way, some just happy to be able to express their feminine and/or masculine side, but ALL gender challanged for one reason or the other. I know the term is gender dysphoric, but in some cases the negative sounding 'dysphoric' seems to have faded.

You write, " I hope someday my gender identity can fade into the background and I can just enjoy my life" Amen to that!

So come in and post a bit, and tell us how you are. We trade advice and stories, and generally try to help each other any way we can.

Glad to meet you.

Lizzy

[Guest leo]

hello Jeannine

welcome to the playground

[Guest Donna Jean]

Hello, Jeannine!

How very nice to meet you!

As Lizzy said...it's wonderful to have someone that is confident in their feelings about who they are......This is a very confusing business!

You've meet some of the sweetest people that we have here....so I'm sure that you will enjoy you time here....

Welcome, Hon.....

Donna Jean

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dear Jeannine,

Welcome to Laura's. I see that you have already met the matriarchs here (they are really helpful and very wise women). You introduction was one of the most honest, thoughtful, and sharing I have read in a while. I completely understand your concerns about SRS. I have exaclty the same concerns. I recommend (and I am saying this to myself too). Don't fret over the whole picture of transition. Take is one step at a time, and see how you feel! You will reach a point where you are completely satisfied. This may come before SRS, or maybe after. There is no need to rush. I see that you are gaining wisdom with your age!! That will continue.

If you ever feel low... just come here... you will feel a lot better... I promise!

Welcome dear, you are now home.

LOL

bernii

[Guest kirsty]

Hi Jeannine

Welcome to Laura's

Hope you get the roach infestation sorted

[Guest DanM]

Welcome to the playground Jeannine, One step at a time One day at a time. You will figure it all eventually.

[Guest Jeannine Bean]

WOW! What a warm welcome. I never had THIS on an internet forum before. I hope I can contribute and enjoy things here.

Thanks so much,

Hugs:

[:-)

Jeannine

PS: I think I'll choose a middle name that's gender neutral for my role in the corporatocracy. Middle names are almost useless so I want to choose one for usefulness in "passing" as a man in the bigger world. I don't mind people being mean to me out there. I'm willing to cry, talk to my friends, and sleep it off if I need to.. But the two things I want to absolutely avoid are violence and job loss.

So I'm slightly leaning towards Winter. Or maybe Summer. I really want something that's absolutely gender neutral but at the same time pretty and emotive and goes well with Jeannine... too bad my favourite season's autumn :-). I'll think of something though -- any suggestions? I'd go with a nonseasonal, non force-of-nature name too... I'm just tossing things around at this point.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

'Storm?" it's not exactly gender neutral, but a beautiful name.

Lizzy

[Guest Frank67]

Hi Jeannine,

welcome to the playground. Enjoy your stay.

Frank

[Paula ult]

Hi Jeannine and a warm welcome, it's not often we have someone that just joined that's so confident in themselves.

To expand on what Lizzy said i like to use the term gender gifted when i tell others about me, i think it's a more upbeat term.

HUGS!

Paula