Nice Jewish Girl

[Jessie_P]

I have always tried to do what I think God wants me to do. The more I learn Torah, the more I realise how even the seemingly tiniest commandment can have a profound effect on... everything. When I give up something for God, I soon find that what I gave up was trivial next to what I gain in return. I have dedicated my life to finding and marrying the right person, and I was willing to give up any external expression of the female half of my identity for that end. I always wanted to marry a nice Jewish girl, not be one.

[Harps! - (travelling back in time)]

Being female was always a part of me, but never all of me. When I was little, we’d play ‘pretend’. If I wanted to be a strong character, I’d be someone male, like Darth Vader. If I wanted to be something pretty, like a kitten, then I was a female kitten. I cringe now, but I remember persuading my friend next door that we should be the Wonder Twins, and I was the girl Wonder Twin. He kept getting us killed so that we could do something else.

I don’t remember how, but I eventually learned what was socially accepted, and I restricted my identification as female to when I was alone. I remember kidnapping my sister’s dolls, but it would be another ten years before it even occurred to me to steal her clothes.

[Legal Stuff]

Aside from the prohibition against wearing the clothes of the other gender, there is also a prohibition in Judaism against wearing clothing made from a mixture of wool and linen. The rabbis discuss the extent of this prohibition and say that even if a person is wearing ten layers of clothes, not even the tenth layer can contain a mixture of wool and linen. So, I applied this to wearing men’s clothes. If I am female, then I am forbidden to wear even a single article of men’s clothing. The first time I wore a complete woman’s outfit in public was my junior year of college. This was sporadic until winter session of my senior year when I set out to wear women’s clothes for the entire month. I became adept at finding women’s clothes that looked male to anyone who wasn’t paying very close attention. Of all things, shoes were the hardest.

[Medical Stuff]

In the summer following graduation, I began researching a full transition to being female. At the end of the summer, I set out to wear women’s clothes for a year, and that year became years. Around the same time, I also concluded that I was probably not going to pursue hormones and surgery. I am attracted to women. Plan A is still to marry a woman. I identified internally as a woman who happens to have the ability to be a man when necessary and went on with my life. If I had been 5’10” and a tenor, maybe it would have been different, but being 6’3” and a baritone, I just did not feel meant for transition.

[Dating History (Abridged)]

After much struggling in a non-Jewish area, I finally had the resources to travel for dates and met promising matches. I started wearing men’s shirts and suits over otherwise women’s clothes and planned to transition more completely back to male in the event I became engaged.

When I finally met someone ready to marry, it was time. I remember standing up to use the bathroom for the first time in over nine years and wondering if I still could. (I could.) I bought women’s underwear that could pass for men’s underwear and put everything else into quarantine. (I had been rushed into a purge in college and did not want to repeat the experience.) I had expected this to be a great challenge, but clothes had become just clothes, nothing more, and I was happy to settle on the male half of my identity for the sake of my soulmate. I got rid of almost all of the clothes over the next few months before I told her anything about it and was happy to discover that she was much more comfortable with the female side of me than I thought possible.

Now, just as I was not born female, neither was I born Jewish. She was okay with that and agreed to stand by me through the Orthodox conversion with me if my tenuous Jewish lineage was not enough to avoid one. She was not raised Orthodox either and looked forward to learning more.

She bolted as soon as the rabbis started telling her she wasn’t kosher enough and so forth. She told me she might marry me after I finished, but in the meantime, she was going to date other people and would not guarantee that she’d still be available. The smile is to remind me to smile and not say anything bitter.

Google 'Orthodox conversion', and you will see that it typically takes eighteen to twenty-four months. What you will not see is that this does not include: ‘Contact us in six months.’ ‘Come back in three more months.’ ‘Contact us after twelve more months.’ Add to this that Orthodox rabbis can lose their reputations if they support a candidate for conversion who is not practically perfect in every way. Shomer Shabbos for years? That's not enough. 100% kosher for years? That's not enough. What is enough? Contact us in six months to show you are serious, but that doesn't mean we'll tell you what to do even then. It was already difficult to date anyone my social age as it was. I am a virgin and am not going to settle for someone who doesn’t share my dedication to marriage. Every year of delay makes a suitable match that much more remote. Non-Orthodox synagogues would be happy to convert me, but they use microphones on Shabbat, do not read the full Torah portion, and often alter the words of even the most central prayers. I am all for religious diversity, and that is fine for them. It is not for me.

I tried my hardest to marry an Orthodox girl and raise a large Orthodox Jewish family. The community is welcoming, but, well, for certain rabbis.

I came to accept a few weeks ago that I may never marry, and that I will be okay.

[Harps! - (travelling back to the present)]

About two weeks later, after more than a decade of comfortably navigating a middle ground, I decided on a full, physical transition to female. After all, the only reason for me to be male is if I am going to marry. I was willing to sacrifice being female for the marriage I wanted. Now I am sacrificing the marriage I wanted to be female. I am making a sacrifice to live God’s will for my life. It is not the sacrifice I originally wanted to make, but I know it will be worth it in the end.

As a woman, I won’t go up to the Torah or count in a minyan anyway. I can’t be a biological mother, so if I am a woman, whether certain rabbis recognise me as Jewish becomes irrelevant.

I told my Mom just a few days ago, and she is very supportive. (Once you convince your very Christian family to accept you as Jewish, a new gender is easy!) My next step is to start networking with other male-to-females who have more courage than I do to live openly as female.

I will always be attracted to women, and if Plan A was being the traditional male in a male-female marriage, Plan B is to be in a female-female marriage where I am just male enough to father our children. For the first time in my life, I am also open to a Plan C. If my transition includes surgery, then I am potentially open to marrying a man. I want to be a normal girl, and most girls marry men

I have spent twenty years applying to love and care for a woman. Maybe the reward for all my effort is to be the woman so loved and cared for.

~ Jessie

P.S. I identify as female. Maybe, technically, I should identify as MTF, but the way I see it, my identity is Jewish female. Converting to Judaism and transitioning to externally female are part of my life story, but they are not part of my identity.

[MaryEllen]

Thank you for sharing with us, Jessie.

MaryEllen

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's. Thanks for sharing your journey. This has been a good place for me to explore my own feelings. You may want to think about seeing a gender therapist as your next move.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Jessie, and barukh ha-ba. We have a few other members from Israel here, and I am the lone Jewish Mod/Admin.

I am sorry that you've had such a difficult time with conversion as well as with trying to find the right path for yourself. Even without religious issues, it is seldom an easy road for us. In the U.S. things are changing very slowly within the Orthodox branch of Judaism, but accepting Orthodox Rabbis are still rare to find. It is much more common in the Reform and Conservative branches. It just happens that I posted this a few days ago:

http://forum.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=70181&hl=

Anyway, please make yourself at home, and look around the forums and ask any questions that you like. We have some interesting threads in the Jewish Subforum within the Religion forum, too.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

http://forum.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=70181&hl=

[Guest KerryUK]

Hi Jessie and thanks very much for sharing your story with us.

There were quite a few similarities between us and you are the first person I have 'met' who (as a child) played as a female character/s. My first recollection of there being something different about me was at the age of around 7/8 I wanted to be a mother lion protecting my little brother (I feel that same embarrassment you mentioned).

Welcome to the Site and do feel free to ask questions.

Kerry

[Guest]

Your story is so cool! Welcome home sister, you will fit right in at LP. Hug. JodyAnn

[Imaginary Spiders]

Welcome Jessie! I am also Jewish and a trans feminine individual. Like you I did not grow up in a religiously Jewish household. I chose to return to Judaism a couple of years, but I don't really qualify as religious. Around the time that it came apparent to me that my desire to be a woman would never go away, I became really religious. I thought if I could dedicate myself to Judaism and the mitzvoth that those feelings would go away. I attempted to become Orthodox. I was going to marry an orthodox girl and raise an Orthodox family. I even thought of maybe becoming a rabbi. But what came next I can't really explain. I got to the point where I was really observant, but I noticed that I lost who I was, that my life I had become nothing, but religion. So I slowly became less observant. I'm now not religious at all really. I go to Hillel every week for the Shabbat and keep kosher and that sort of thing. I eventually came to decide that as a Jew I should fight for the rights of LGBT people. Because of this mission I finally had the opportunity to learn about transgenderism and that sounded very familiar to me and I finally learned it was okay to have those feelings. So soon after that I realized I was trans and decided I would transition and eventually began telling people. So it's kind of strange I suppose that I turned to Judaism to escape my desire to be a woman, but it instead caused me to embrace it. I wish you luck on your journey.

[Jessie_P]

Thank you all for the warm welcome! I thought I posted this earlier, but I am not the most internet-saavy person. I found this site during my search for local meetings with others like me, and I am excited to be attending my first meeting this evening. I've been with a therapist for almost two years, and he has been aware of my gender identity compromise from our first meetings. I am sure he can refer me to a gender-specialist if necessary before I start HRT.

My other next step is what if anything to say in my next job interviews. I started letting my hair grow long because my rabbi said I should not look too "Jewish" until my conversion was complete. I also liked it because it helped me identify with the protagonist of my novel. (I've written a novel in first-person-present that follows the space adventure of a twelve-year-old girl.) Now that I'm transitioning, I intend to keep it long, and I feel I am going to have to address my hair in my upcoming job interviews.

The point of no return for me is removal of my facial hair as doing so is a violation of Jewish Law if I am male, but as far as I can tell, not a problem if I am female. I'd do that about the same time I change gender markers and add the "i" into my name legally. (It's how everyone spells my name anyway!) My decision on surgery will take into account my marriage prospects, though my heart tells me that surgery is a matter of 'when' not 'if.' Besides hair removal, cosmetic will be last. I remember a movie where someone had surgery in his legs to adjust his height. If it were feasible and affordable, well, I think they'd have to do the arms too. It was a sci-fi movie. It's okay. There's still plenty of men and women taller than me, and my sister's husband is shorter than her. I'd better stop before I start rambling.

I haven't had time to explore the forums yet. I don't want to start new topics if they are already covered, but I have several things I've wanted to write about that the 100% female online me won't touch. Oh, I assumed that anything I wrote was my own. I saw a copyright notice on the site that said all content belonged to the site, but I understand that content I actually write belongs to me.

~ Jessie

[gennee]

Hello Jessie and welcome to Laura's. Thank you for sharing your story.

[Jessie_P]

Thank you! I have not been here in a while. I have had great anxiety about searching for a new job, not because of gender but because of being Jewish. Finally, after more than six months of intending to apply without applying, I updated my resume, applied to ONE job, had ONE interview, and got ONE part-time job that has no problem with Shabbat or Jewish holidays. It doesn't pay any better than the job I am leaving, but no more sales. Most importantly, I have broken my mental block about job applications.

My solution to my long hair was to just present as female (or at least as intending to present as female) at the interview. I probably look like a male in women's clothes, but this was a tolerant, accepting employer, and gender was not an issue. Near the end of the interview, I mentioned transitioning and their company's acceptance of it as one of the main reasons I applied. I start the new job next week and look forward to wearing skirts to work. (I wore a pant suit for the interview.)

Let's see. Last week I told my aunt, and this week I told one of my best friends back east. I've had a very positive experience telling people I've met within the last two years. I came out to three consecutive meet-up groups and then, the following week, ended up attending in a skirt and blouse without raising eyebrows. However, aside from immediate family, I was still hesitant to tell people I've known longer as I felt I was risking a greater friendship investment. So far, everyone I have told has been supportive. I don't know how some people will react, probably because they don't know how they'd react until I tell them. Several friends have thanked me for trusting them.

I've set out to appear somewhere in public in a skirt every day. Today is day sixteen. When I visualize my city in my head, I can visualize Jessie-safe-in-a-skirt-zones, and already, they outnumber the very few Jessie-not-safe-in-a-skirt-yet-zones. I have found that seeing movies is the easiest. Rather than think about people who might be offended, I think about other people who should feel safe expressing their gender identity and draw on that for confidence.

I have always been raised to know who I am and not worry so much about what other people think of me. I know I'm a girl, and whether I appear that way to others is secondary.

[Charlize]

Thank you for sharing that wonderfully positive update! It sounds like things are progressing very well. Hopefully with luck the whole world be will a Jessie safe zone.

Hugs,

Charlize