The mirror monster

[Guest (S)hE-W0lf]

I'm just gonna rant a little about my internal thoughts and feelings at the moment, apologies for the length.

Often when I get back in my room after taking a shower my eyes fall upon the most undesirable sight, the giant landscape mirror that stares back at me. My reasons for disliking what I see vary greatly; sometimes I only see the rolls of fat and odd stretch marks, other times I see the body and facial hair that covers most of my skin which is too much of a pain to shave every day, and now and again it's the realisation that without a doubt I am a man.

The thing is there's something they all have in common, hopelessness and failure that I see as if it's a tangible limb. I do not know what I want to do with my life thus I am directionless, I do not understand how gender or sex factors into anything, I lack passion and a will to achieve anything and I give up trying to do anything as I feel it will not work if it is done by my hands. I feel like i don't know who I am, what I want or what I'm passionate about.

Now and again I still try to write, but my words fail me as if I do not have a story to tell. I want to sketch and end up with a half drawn husk that might have looked better if I would just finish it but all I can see are flaws. I try to exercise but the fat seems endless and the results worthless.

And once in a while when I can't stop myself, I get dressed, beard and all, just to stand in front of the mirror in disgust and shame. Jealousy of real girls feels like a very unreasonable and foolish mentality but it's a real one regardless.

I was hoping some time and antidepressants would make the world of difference, and while I'm more functional than I was a while ago since being diagnosed with depression and starting treatment, I don't think it's a problem that sorts itself out without serious investment from my side. I just wish I knew how.

Somehow I feel like I'm missing something. It all feels wrong. And somehow I can see the wrongs in the mirror. Who this mirror monster is seems beyond me, but he keeps staring at me with lifeless eyes from beyond the reflection, and almost like a Hollywood movie amnesiac, he'd like to figure out who he is, what he's good at, find something he's passionate about and understand the strange uncontrollable unexplainable sadness that occasionally comes from not being a women.

I mean she would. Right after a shooting star or fairy god mother makes her a real girl that looks good in biker gear... Wishful thinking right?

[Imaginary Spiders]

First I should say there is always hope. Even the word hopeless which you use contains the word hope. I think we have all felt these feelings at some point. I think I spent a good portion of my life avoiding mirrors and such. I wasted a lot of my life feeling that things weren't right and never could be. They can be. At a very early age I felt I was meant to be a girl and the idea that I never could be depressed me much of my life. Guess what? You can be that girl because you are. Things get better. You got to start by correcting what you can and focusing on that. Focus on what you have rather than what you don't. You have a lot more than what you realize. We all do. I hope this helps you in some way.

[Charlize]

Your description of the mirror monster reminds me of an old friend. i saw him quite often wearing a dress and trying to position himself so he couldn't see his bearded face. He also was full of shame and self loathing. He was always alone with that vision. At one point he stepped out having bought a decent wig and done some shaving. He was out of town and scared to death but he felt good simply getting a pack of gum at the store. Later he was able to order and eat a meal at a restaurant with some comfort. Years passed until she finally left him behind. The mirror has become a much more welcoming object. She isn't guilty. She also isn't as beautiful as she would like. At 67 she's old. She bruises badly because of blood thinners due to a heart condition. She is a bit fat, has varicose veins and big hands but she also is in the process of accepting herself. It is a daily job and not always easy but the shame and guilt are gone and she is free to be herself however imperfect.

Take it from someone who once had no hope.....it can happen one little step at a time.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Opal]

Hey Lynn, do you by chance have any nearby LGBT support groups that meet? Perhaps a group at a University? Are there any Pride gatherings in the near future where you live? These can all help to find focus in coming up with ideas for yourself.

Wish you the best in the upcoming days. Things will get better!

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest (S)hE-W0lf]

Thank you all for the kind messages.

I just feel like I am in a rather dark place at this moment. I feel stuck. As I explained, the things I used to be passionate about and sort of good at haven't been done in so long since hardly anything really gets me excited nowadays and when I try to think of something to write or draw or anything it somehow always leads to me thinking about gender and sex. This is a rather recent thing as I have been fine for quite a while.

My girlfriend is quite alright with me occasionally cross dressing, something I was quite proud of at first. I now find myself feeling unable to get dressed and stay dressed when around her. We've spoken about it a few times and I understand that she feels scared that someone might see me dressed and know or see us together which she would feel very ashamed of. I feel like she's ashamed of me and she's said that she doesn't want to date a women and she wants me to stay with her and somehow it makes me feel like I can't or shouldn't dress. I also don't feel feminine in her presence, I just feel very stupid and guilty and disgusting.

I'm not sure if I would go full time, or maybe I'm just feeling this way because I know financially and practically i can't make those sort of things happen right now, but I feel like I'm unable to even dress and express myself occasionally which gets me down.

There aren't any support groups or such in this area that I know of, and I have looked, but I suppose when and if my financial situation looks better, I should seek a gender therapist. My normal therapist has agreed that she can't really help with this as with my depression.

[Guest Wendae]

I look in the mirror and see an old man and wonder if all my efforts to transform into Wendae will be successful or should i just throw in the towel and give up but, I can't. Hours with an epilade on arms, torso, and legs. Do my finger and toe nails and shave real close with numerous nicks. On blood thinners stopping bleeding takes time. I'm better getting my makeup on and it doesn't take an hour any more but it's getting to the point where I could use a putty knife . I stand in front of the closet wondering what to wear and try on different combinations. Find the appropriate shoes and handbag. Some clothes seem to have shrunk! I now understand why women take so long to get dressed. Okay, now pick out a wig and jewelry and look into the mirror. Am I safe to go shopping? I have said no way and took it all off and got depressed. Other times I liked my efforts and went out. I have a GG friend that I stop by to see that gives me feedback. So far it has all been good and complimentary. A girl loves compliments on their clothes, shoes, handbags and make up. That makes it all worth while.