Hello, I'm Charlotte

[CharlotteW]

My name is Charlotte. In popular parlance I am a MTF transwoman. In truth, as near as I can tell, I am a woman who had to the misfortune to be born with a penis. I can't make sense of my life to this point, even in my childhood where I was ostensibly happy identifying as male, unless it is filtered through the paradigm of me as female from the beginning. The world at large seems to think we become, or want to be, even the term transition implies a change. But at least for me, I've never been male, and I can never be male and strangely enough I have leveled with myself and do not want to EVER be male. I just want to be honest with myself and be honest to the world.

I'm 26; I live in Ohio, born to very conservative parents. My mom is a nasty Fundamentalist, and my dad for whatever reason, sees transpeople (especially transwomen) as vile and almost subhuman. I told them last year I had really bad gender dysphoria; they think it will pass. They don't know that the only reason I am feeling better is because I accepted myself as a woman and plan to transition when feasible.

But the reason I am here is because I need to get my life turned around. I had never even thought about being female until I was ten, but my whole life I felt like I was burdened with some horrific weight that grew heavier with every passing year, and only in the last four months have I cast the weight off. It feels wonderful, but everything's a mess. I spent the last five years as almost totally non-functional (I could have bi-polar too, but they doped me up real bad for years and it made no difference. But it is what my parents think it is), but before I was sullen and withdrawn and so very, very angry. I have a college degree, but honestly, I think on the whole I'm 12 years old in every aspect but physical age.

I dunno what to do. I'm completely clueless how to do anything. I have a college degree in History, but I have no certifiable skills. Not one. I've been fired in short order from every job I've ever had. I have no social skills, and the tact of a Terminator. Good news: for the first time in memory, I actually look forward to the next day. I don't ever remember being truly happy to be alive; I must say it's a good feeling.

So, excuse me if I sound frustrated or something. I just want to learn and maybe make friends. That and I was on the suicide prevention chat December 8th or thereabouts and two very lovely women talked me through (It was a BAAAD year last year), and though I cannot remember their names, I want to thank them from the bottom of my heart.

[Sally]

Hello, Charlotte,

Welcome to the forums.

We understand your feelings, we have been there are ther, have just returned there or at least can vaguely remember having passed through there.

Have a seat and I'll get you some milk and cookies and we can wait for the others - they come around much faster when they smell fresh baked cookies!

You have come to d great place for support and friendship, ask questions, give us your opinions and just enjoy your time here.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Donna Jean]

OMG! I SMELL COOKIES!!!!

Hello, Charlotte!

So nice to meet you here.....

We really want you to feel welcome and comfortable...and Sally's cookies are amazing!

Look around a bit ...there's tons of stuff to see and so many nice people to meet!

Make yourself comfy...

I'm in Ohio, too...in Cambridge....SEE?..I'm waving at you!

****BIGG HUGG****

Donna Jean

[Guest kirsty]

Yeahy! Cookies again. I must watch the waistline though, Sally maybe you could get some fruit for me lol

When I read your post I know exactly where you are coming from and you are in a very similar situation as I am. I am even the same age as you too. It's good to hear that you got good help from the Suicide prevention chat. They do such a fantastic job and are worth their weight in gold. You will also find lots of loving and supportive people here too.

I must go for a jog now to burn of all these cookies.

Chow

Kirsty x

[CharlotteW]

OOOH! Cookies! (Need an emoticon of cookie monster)

It's kinda funny, I really get down when I think of how much my parents are disappointed in me, but remember then that they are disapointed in ALL of their children. All of us are smart, but we're all very badly adjusted because my parents got a bloodbath divorce and blame eachother for everything, both played us agains the other, of cource they won't own up to it at all except to blame the other for not raising us right. It's exhausting. I'm dwelling, it's just I hate being dependant on people who will want nothing to do with me once they know I am going to transition (my mom has a very specsific 'no queer people in my house' policy, because apperently certain groups of people are gateways for 'evil spirits.' I kid you not; I woulnd't dare say it if it weren't Gosh darned near verbaitim.)

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Charlotte!!

You are now among people who undertand you and really care about you!! You are NOT ALONE!! Feel free to contact me anytime if you need direct assistance. I am here to help you as we all are!!

I will tell you this... by helping others here at Laura's you will be helping yourself. When I first got here, I was a real mess (I tried to hide it, but I was really hurting). Now that I have been here for a couple of months, helping others here, I am so happy!! I have learned so much more here about myself, by reading other peoples posts and realized... WOW I felt that... I did that... yes I have been referred to that way... I too am scared... coming out is hard... The list goes on and on. I really mean it by the way. Help with the introductions! Help with the ones who are in pain. The very young (15 or younger) can be so distraught you have no idea. By helping them, you will be helping yourself!! You will never have a better sense of yourself or sense of self-worth than when you give it your all to help someone and they tell you that their life is turned around now!! Wow, it is a feeling I cannot describe!

Welcome Charlotte!

Help and therefore help yourself!!

LOL

bernii

[Guest DanM]

Hi Charlotte, Welcome to the playground.

Your parents sounds like alot of other parents, They say you can pick your friends but not your family. Well that depends on which family? I have found a family here at Lauras that can no way ever be replaced, My biological family they can be replaced. LOL Joking even if they understand its ok as long as I know who I am. My grandmother God bless her soul never would except my transition but still loved me the same. At least I was honest and open with her so when she passed I felt good for coming out to her.

We are here for you, your new family

Huggggs