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"it's Just A Phase"


Guest MrAwesome

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Guest MrAwesome

"It's just a PHASE." Don't you just hate when people say this? It's a way to stay in denial. My mom was in denial a very long time, after I had said about many times over the years having a sex change (From the very moment I 1st heard that people did that, and my mom was the one that said about it no less.), after I had dressed as a boy since I was 7, and REFUSED to wear a dress after that, after I freaked out because one of the teachers in 5th grade bought me bath soaps stuff, and the other bought me a gray shirt with a pink collar, and a powder blue shirt with a light yellow collar, after all the times I had said I was a "He she" when I was a little kid, and my mom and uncle said "No, your a tomb boy" and explained a tomb boy was a girl that liked doing boy things, and I said "No, I'm a he she" (Basically I was a girl, physically, but I was a boy.), and after I said I liked girls, but I didn't want to be called a "Lesbian" and I never identified as a Lesbian.

You'd think a person would be smart enough to use their own common sense right? WRONG! My mom says she knew, but was in denial, she didn't want a kid like this. Want to know what fueled this...? Therapists (probably her own and any child therapists I was FORCED to see) TOLD HER I WAS JUST IN A PHASE! PRETTY MUCH THAT I WOULD GROW OUT OF IT! My mom just always made excuses, going off "Well it's just a phase", "SHE'S a junior fire fighter and it's kinda hard to have long hair with the helmet and everything" (my head was shaved... to the skin!) "SHE'S a Lesbian" or "SHE likes girls", Saying things like "I'm offended when someone talks bad things about gays cause I have a member of my family that's gay" and I always got mad cause "I'M NOT GAY" Cause I'm a boy, and I like girls!

My mom refuses to admit that she was wrong, that she SHOULD have listened, and not just put it off as a phase. She puts it off on therapists telling her I was in a phase, and says "Well, your dad's still in denial." It doesn't matter what he's doing, SHE was in charge, SHE was with me all the time, and SHE could have made a difference before I threatened to kill myself. I know she's trying to help me get things straightened out now, but I can't help but feel a little angry at the fact that she listened to therapists and was too focused on denying my feelings to do what would have been best for me. And it took me threatening to Kill Myself and a big argument in the car telling her that the gender issues ARE what made me wanna kill myself.

Well I must go you'll see why soon... just look in the FTM forum XP

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Guest ~Brenda~

Hey Lewis!

I appreciate your frustration, anger, passion of what you have gone through and are still going through. If I may... although it seems that for you threatening to kill yourself got you some results that you needed. I do not think that promoting the idea of threatening suicide is the right idea. Many people here I have noticed are quick to jump onto the suicide train. I have been working hard to stop this train. Maybe, when you get the chance you could qualify your threatening suicide comment.

Lewis, I have said this before, but I am going to say this again... You are very strong and sure of yourself. You do accomplish your goals. You are driven. I can tell many people here look up to you for strength and guidance. Remember that. Your influence is far more reaching than you realize.

Love you,

bernii

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Guest Pól_Eire

Hey there Lewis,

Think about it like this: you weren't in a phase, but your mom was. You're right, it's absolutely a part of denial, and it's infuriating. Every pronoun becomes a weapon, every sentence a bomb. Don't think it was because you were young when she said this stuff -- my parents still say it 3 years later and I'm twenty now, and I'd bet there are other transpeople on this site who're older than both you and me and their parents say it too. With some kids, it actually is a phase, but I think there's often a clear difference between a kid that "wants to be a boy" all of a sudden and a kid that has persistently identified as the other gender. It's hard to be trans and it's hard to be the parent of a transperson.

It sounds like your mom is trying to move beyond this stage (this "phase"), which is something to be thankful for. Should she have acted differently? I'm sure you wish she did, and for you, I wish she did too. But remember that just like you're transitioning, your mom is transitioning too. It's not easy at the beginning. Did you feel a little confused at first when you realized you could actually do something about how you felt? I did. When your mom was in denial, in her phase, she probably felt confused. Things were no longer how she had thought they were and that was probably disorienting. It takes time to adjust for anyone. It's OK to feel angry sometimes about this though. She's your mom and you probably wish that she had been able to see you as you saw yourself straight away. She's your mom, and you probably want her to value what you think is important simply because it is important to you. Feeling angry sometimes is OK (and probably healthy) as long as you keep perspective on all of it and you have a safe place (like here) to vent about it.

Stay strong buddy, and take care of yourself.

-Pól

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Guest MrAwesome
Hey Lewis!

I appreciate your frustration, anger, passion of what you have gone through and are still going through. If I may... although it seems that for you threatening to kill yourself got you some results that you needed. I do not think that promoting the idea of threatening suicide is the right idea. Many people here I have noticed are quick to jump onto the suicide train. I have been working hard to stop this train. Maybe, when you get the chance you could qualify your threatening suicide comment.

Lewis, I have said this before, but I am going to say this again... You are very strong and sure of yourself. You do accomplish your goals. You are driven. I can tell many people here look up to you for strength and guidance. Remember that. Your influence is far more reaching than you realize.

Love you,

bernii

I didn't threaten suicide to get results, I was really depressed and wanted to kill myself, ended up in the psych ward. I told my mom that's why I was so depressed, and that's why I wanted to kill myself. Thank you, I know I'm just so awesome but I LOOOOVVVEE being reminded. ;)
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Guest julia_d

*sigh* .. overheard the same rubbish from a temp doctor I had to see over another matter.. all of 24 and a locum.. My trans status has nothing to do with the matter I went to see him over (painkillers for a badly bruised foot.. result of being beaten up for the 3rd time this year ) and TBH after being diagnosed and poked and prodded by consultants and surgeons I don't give a hoot about what some trainee quack thinks XD

Didn't like being asked how something can be a "phase" when it has been 33 of my 43 years.. longer than he has been alive.

When does "it's a phase" become not possible due to being the major percentage of somebodies life?

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Most phases come and go people so why do parents thinks its going to be a phase that last more than a year hmmmm. Phase is over mom this is reality. I'm 45 and I still hear from my mom. Or she says to her friends oh thats danny she is really a girl just living as a guy. Wake up mom I am a guy just got the wrong body is all.

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Guest N. Jane

I was in that "phase" from age 8 (when I first became aware of the problem) to age 24 when I did something about it.

I suppose you could say that "phase" is still going on because I am nearly 60 and haven't change my mind yet :P ROFLMAO!

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when i came out as lesbain at 14 that was just a 'phase' and that was for 4 years

ok so i did change my mind a bit kind, it wasnt really changng it was realising what i was, the liking girls part didnt change, that deffo is not a phase

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Guest CharlieRose

Yeah, I've had phases... Like my liking being a girl phase. I considered myself artistic and so would wear berets and brightly colored clothing alternated with gothic stuff... Never makeup, though. *shudder* But I took dance lessons, was in a group with a bunch of other girls, my hair was down past my chest, I had an enormous collection of obnoxiously showy earrings and other jewelry that I wore every day. I even owned a couple skirts.

I convinced myself that the self-mutilation, not wanting to have breasts and having to shower in the dark because I didn't like looking at my body were artsy things, too. It made me unique in my mind. I was nonconformist, a bit out of the ordinary. Nothing wrong with that.

I'm so glad that phase is over. :rolleyes: Looking at pictures of myself from then, it's just like, "Oh, dear, how deluded I was."

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Guest Elizabeth K

PHASE?

Brutal answers I want to make her are inappropriate! I just cannot abide it when I tell someone the truth as I see it and they darn well REFUSE TO THINK IT THROUGH!

Phase? Well my parents are dead so I don't have to worry about that. But I tell people I am not what I appear to be." They refuse to believe me - "oh. you just need to find yourself, you will be fine"

Okay - 61 years later I find myself - I FINALLY have a gender therapist who listened, cocked her head slightly, said. 'oh, you are probably transsexual." 30 minutes into the first session! SHE NAILS IT!

It makes all the sense in the world - my whole life - clear as to why I felt and did what I did, and do what I fell now and do now, and will continue to feel and do until I die!

30 minutes!

All my life - "oh, you are just having trouble finding yourself, all the anxiety will eventually go away." [same as 'It's just a phase" - in adult terms maybe].

I TOLD MY PEOPLE I WANTED TO BE FEMALE and was unhappy as a male.

Never was believed. Even now -'are you sure?"

Am I sure?

Am I frickin' sure?

OPEN YOUR BRAINS - I am as serious as suicide, as self distruction, as trying to... - well - you get the picture.

So people - take charge of your own self. NOBODY believes us - they are incapable of undersanding.

But sweet people - WE understand each other instantly! Laura's people understand.

Love each and every one of you!

Lizzy

whew - Lizzy ges a little emotional now and then

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Guest mia 1

Call it what you want phase, urge, compulsion, desire...it comes down to one thing choice! The choice of being miserable and not who you are, or the choice of transitioning and being happy and knowing that your choice was to be YOU,,,,, You are definitely a young man Lewis and yes you are an awesome young man.....Mia

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Guest Little Sara
I was in that "phase" from age 8 (when I first became aware of the problem) to age 24 when I did something about it.

I suppose you could say that "phase" is still going on because I am nearly 60 and haven't change my mind yet :P ROFLMAO!

About same, except I'm just 26 now. And not complete yet.

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Guest Keane

How do people last so long, waiting until they're 20, 30, 60 to transition? Was it a lack of information, thinking there was no way you could transition? Just wondering, I never really got how people could survive that long :D;

I hate the words "It's just a phase".... Most of the time, it's NOT a phase!

Thankfully my mom doesn't think this is temporary.... But she just can't believe I'm really trans.... Still in shock I guess, 7 months later -_-;

But I think my parents know it's not a phase because I used the suicide train too.... I went back to the psych ward to come out because I really was depressed and so scared poopless of coming out thinking I was gonna get kicked out that I thought suicide was my only option D: But the psych ward idea worked :D

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Guest kirsty
How do people last so long, waiting until they're 20, 30, 60 to transition? Was it a lack of information, thinking there was no way you could transition? Just wondering, I never really got how people could survive that long :D;

I hate the words "It's just a phase".... Most of the time, it's NOT a phase!

Thankfully my mom doesn't think this is temporary.... But she just can't believe I'm really trans.... Still in shock I guess, 7 months later -_-;

But I think my parents know it's not a phase because I used the suicide train too.... I went back to the psych ward to come out because I really was depressed and so scared poopless of coming out thinking I was gonna get kicked out that I thought suicide was my only option D: But the psych ward idea worked :D

Sometimes people have to leave it so long and do not have a choice, others may just not feel ready. I have only just begun my transition and I am 26 - I wanted to long before this, but It took time for me to come to terms with this and decide that I was really ready. I guess this is the same for lots of people.

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How do people last so long, waiting until they're 20, 30, 60 to transition? Was it a lack of information, thinking there was no way you could transition? Just wondering, I never really got how people could survive that long :D;

If you do the math you will find that the nearly 60s were born in the 1950s - no Internet and the word Transsexual was never spoken in polite company.

No information was available - we were all sure that we were the only ones and kept it our secret and our shame.

We were teenagers in the 70s, where 'free love' was for 'normal' heterosexuals only - Gays who at that time had no organization and were just known as 'queers' and 'faggs', were beaten - sometimes to death so not a good time to mention that you thought you should have been born in the opposite gender.

By the time that the information had started to become more readily available we had tried all of the 'cures' and a great number of us found ourselves married and some with children and now the focus is shifted to raising the children.

How did we last so long?

Because we had to!

Love ya,

Sally

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Guest Donna Jean

Bravo, Sally!!!!!!

Yes..."Because we HAD to"......

During those years Transsexuality was considered a perversion or a mental illness...We know now that it is a medical condition and has a course of treatment....and many of us are on it!

The stiga attached to it for so many years caused people to hide instead of seeking treatment, causing even more damage

Some of us older ones here are very lucky that we arrived at this point with our sanity ..

And we are happy to have gotten here....

N. Jane said:

I was in that "phase" from age 8 (when I first became aware of the problem) to age 24 when I did something about it.

I suppose you could say that "phase" is still going on because I am nearly 60 and haven't change my mind yet tongue.gif ROFLMAO!

Ain't that the truth, Sweetheart!?!

And Lizzy said:

Never was believed. Even now -'are you sure?"

Am I sure?

Am I frickin' sure?

I don't know, Lizzy...lets take another half century to think this thing through! LOL...

Yeah....somehow us older ones muddled through and got to this point...and hopefully it won't take so long for the younger ones to get help in the future and get corrected early so as not to suffer as much.

It's ok....we'll make it........

****HUGG****

59 years denial.....2 months HRT....A lifetime to go.....

Donna Jean

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Guest My_Genesis

i guess it's a phase if it's a lifelong one :rolleyes:

yeah i could never identify as a lesbian either, which is why it took me til i was about 16-17 to admit that i actually liked girls. cuz i kept trying to figure out why im not attracted to guys but also nearly shuddered if i thought of myself as a lesbian. and i always had this burning desire to BE a guy but it wasn't until i actually told myself, "okay i have a male brain, so im like a straight guy" that i was comfortable with anything.

HA what a phase! started before i knew how to read, probably before i knew how to write...by jr high/high school when people started going on dates i just couldnt see myself dating guys so i never did, in freshman year of high school this guy spent like 30 minutes begging to kiss me and i spent 30 minutes saying no, and it was like 30 minutes of pure hell, i never wanted to see him again, i hated him! and i just couldn't bring myself to do it...

and 4 years later, i feel the exact same way about everything. people these days <_<

lol.

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