Finally free to be the real me...

[Lucy Filomena]

Where to begin... I was born Robert in the winter of 91, the youngest of 5, and from a very early age i wasn't drawn to things i was supposed to be drawn to, though i always liked climbing trees, exploring the back yard, catching snakes and frogs and riding bikes, it was the company i preferred to keep... I didn't get along with the other boys my age, not really, I wasn't as strong or aggressive as them. Despite keeping appearances up my entire time, I was always viewed as sensitive, my favorite friends were always tomboys though and I hid an envy and admiration of them deep inside. I never knew the words, not for many years yet, but i knew in my heart that I didn't feel like myself and after hiding it so deep for so long.. when i was old enough to understand I still lived in denial and became bitter.. spiteful towards those around me, I lashed out against others and myself until early my freshman year. I told my dad i wanted to go to the GSA at my school, under the pretense that i had friends who wanted me to go as an ally which was true. He was afraid exposure would influence me in some negative way thanks to his Catholic upbringing so I did as he wished and excused myself, a year or so later he passed away due to cancer. Its sad to think that I never really got to tell him who I was or wasn't.. it came as little relief and certainly no opportunity to accept myself as I continued my downward spiral with drugs, self harm and a general apathetic outlook toward life and living that lie. That was until I met my loving wife. I had mentioned it to her many times, even from the earliest points, in a sort of joking manner, even when I sat her down and told I was deeply in lesbians with her, completely straight, albeit, bearded face, but she never seemed to take it seriously. It wasn't til after our daughter was born that i realized I had to express how it weighed on me almost constantly, the self doubt and fear of rejection from someone whom you love, but may not love the you you want to be. Our daughter is growing up everyday, and my wife says she accepts me and my decision and that I'm beautiful.. but I am only just barely beginning. I feel reckless in the timing, but after many heated arguments between us about many topics, in addition to my internalized angst and my mothers failing health led me to an eventual attempt on my own life in earnest I realized it couldn't wait any longer and made it very clear to those around me how I felt. The attempt at explaining the "why I've been depressed so long" question didn't go any easier 7 years later with my mother ending with her spouting solutions like therapy and drugs to "fix" me and that i have no reason to feel like i'm in the wrong body. Now I'm afraid I've gone on too long and turned this simple introduction into a life story and rant and apologize for that as well as anything that could be perceived as triggering. Thank you for taking the time to rad this and I hope to make lots of friend her with which to relate.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Lucy,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing with us. Feel free to ask any questions you may have. We'll do our best to provide answers.

MaryEllen

[Charlize]

Welcome Lucy. Never worry about ranting here. We all have done it from time to time. I know they couldn't shut me up when i finally started to express what i had hidden for a lifetime. Laura's has helped me a great deal over time as has gender therapy. Glad you've joined us.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest KerryUK]

Hi Lucy and welcome,

Ooooh, I do love a good rant so I'm glad you took the time to tell us about yourself. Seriously though, you are amongst friends here and you're more than welcome to ask questions.

Kerry

[MarcieMarie12]

Welcome to Laura's,

Hugs,

Marcie

[Jani]

Welcome Lucy and don't be concerned about the long post. Sometimes its just good to get things written down in order to get them off your chest. You're among friends here. Please join into the conversation.

Jani

[Bulldog1948]

Welcome. A good rant will do a body good!