Some Questions

[Imaginary Spiders]

I have some things that I have been hesitant to ask about. I am sort of embarrassed about these things. Basically I have been very up and down about my gender identity. In the last 9 months I have went through at least 5 gender identities and have changed my mind a lot obviously. So starting at age 4 I had gender identity issues. Most of my life I have had fantasies of being a woman. I also felt that I could never truly be either male or female. I never really felt like a boy, but always sort of felt female. My whole life I wanted to transition. For some reason I always avoided taking steps to doing so because I always felt I would just change my mind about it and somehow prevent myself from doing so. So last summer I realized I was trans. Then in January I told my mother. That day I felt I made a mistake. Then I was told it was normal to have regrets. Things continued to feel weird though. Then In March I began to attend LGBT support group meetings. Most of the people there are gender variant. For the first time I was exposed to non-binary and gender fluid people and all sorts of gender identities. It was then that I realized that I had a whole bunch of options besides trans woman to choose from. Unfortunately I don't feel like I am a trans woman anymore though that is what I told my mother. At this point I don't feel I can ever be male or female. I feel that I am too masculine. I want to change my style so I am more gender neutral. I am still very fond of women's fashion and all that. I just feel that I messed up, that I came out to soon. I am coming closer to being able to transition to female, but I'm not sure I want that anymore, but two days ago I was absolutely certain that is what I wanted. Now I am going to begin with a gender neutral transition. I still have dysphoria. what really began to worry me was when I was in my female identity I began to feel really uncomfortable. Upon one occasion I felt more comfortable going back to my male identity and upon another combining the two. So I have dysphoria from both feeling too masculine and from feeling too feminine. I feel that I have made a major mistake in coming out as a trans woman because that is how my mother sees me now and I just want to be a person. I don't want to be seen as having a gender. I was wondering If it is normal to be so up and down about things and having dysphoria from feeling to masculine and to feminine and being depressed because people see me as having a gender. Has anyone else here ever felt that way. I was hoping a non binary person could answer my questions. I have also considered the possibility that I might be gender fluid.

[MarcieMarie12]

I think that is something a gender therapist can help you out with. From my own experience by comparison, I started off thinking I was a cross-dresser, then non-binary, and then a transwoman. It was one of those I tried being female for a day, then a weekend, then a month (outside of work). In every instance og going back to boy mode just felt wrong. Starting HRT expunged almost all remaining doubts as to who I am at that point. I've never felt better and more connected with reality since I started it. What doubts I have now are not really as to how I feel, but more to do with family relations.

[Guest miss andros]

Me too, I am no binary and Asperger but it very difficult to find doctor to a hormonal transition.

I really want a female body !

[Guest Clair Dufour]

Some people are Bigendered even to the point of changing mid sentence. At my group some are two different people depending on what their wearing and some are the same regardless what they wear and some are just fulltime. Some are in transition and some have no interest in changing. Also, for most gender dysphoria is more about the wrong body rather than the clothing. The center is a good place. Just find your look.

[tracy_j]

It is an interesting point you make about changing mid sentence! I have recently been thinking about this but perhaps only an experienced therapist / psychologist would be able to help.

Although I can usually put things down on paper in a coherent way, when I am talking I quite often change the direction of things I am saying mid sentence. I am beginning to wonder if there is any gender connection. It is at times even confusing for me, and I have noticed that a lot of the time people have not understood me at all. I feel like I have been talking like two different people with different takes on the given issue. I say this because of the difference in thinking often attibuted to males and females, ie each having somewhat differently wired brains. Is it possible to subconciously and instantly jump between both modes? I do know I can and do change an approach to things almost abstractly between a scientific and artistic solution, although this is on a longer timescale. It also throws people but at least the solution I provide is proof of logical fact.

Just a bit of a ramble really triggered by a fact! I suppose the point to make is that many of us jump back and forth and don't totally understand but that is not abnormal.

Tracy

[Guest Clair Dufour]

Today with women in the workplace and men doing more caregiving, I think people are more gender fluid overall but, we still view gender with Victorian values. While some people act their or opposite gender consistantly, some shift as the need arises or how we feel and if we enjoy opposite gender stuff, it comes on easy. Most people don't even notice it or know their doing it unless it exceeds social norms and that's what we do. But, most people don't know that crossdressing was once a big part of May fests and women took the advantage.