Helping Others Here

[CharlotteW]

I feel like I'm full of contradictions. What most people think of as the average transition story is a sense of continuity. You know from first cognizance you're not boy (or girl). You try and fail to repress it, but in the meantime, if you're lucky you fail to act masculine and face reality sooner and start transition in your 20s. If you are GOOD at it, well, you end up being 45, married and with kids.

Not me: I felt something was very wrong from about six, but it wasn't until I saw a beautiful crossdresser on the internet when I was ten (my brother found it, not me). We all went Ewwww, but something clicked, in an instant. Literally I said Ewww(They can do that?)wwww...(What the hell?). I wanted desperately to be a girl from that moment. Two things kept me from seeking help: even while I fantasized about being with men as a woman, I was attracted to women. And right or wrong I wanted to be straight. It was actually the limitations of transition that kept me male acting. But at 13 I swore to myself, SWORE and meant it with all my heart of soul that if I could become a fertile woman, I would do so whatever the cost. I thought I could make the guy thing work; I nearly killed myself (literally) trying.

Funny thing though, as I come to terms with myself, even without presenting or hormones, I'm getting girlier and girlier. Never thought I had a sense of fashion. Oh boy I do. I thought that I'd be lesbian-inclined bisexual and dykish: I may end up a girly-girl and on top of that, my not insignificant attraction to women is GONE. I was too sick in January to notice, but when I got better, I could stare at a picture of Cindy Crawford, in her prime, buck naked, and my only reaction would be to be jealous of her hips. I'm not homophobic anymore, so if my attraction to women comes back I won’t mind, but there's a part of me that is thrilled beyond measure that I'm no longer attracted to women, and very much attracted to men in a female way.

Here's the thing: a lot of people her are questioning who they are and that's good. But I'm finding out I'm absolutely nothing like who I thought I was. I'd love to tell the confused people, go with what makes you happy, cause only when you are happy can you really discover who you are, it's not the other way around, at least not for me. I wish someone could have told me something like this when I was a teen. I slunk back into manhood because I thought there was NO WAY I was or could ever become a true woman. And now I find I was a woman the whole time. Jokes on me, but I'm laughing too, in utter joy.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I don't know why this topic slipped down without a reply - perhaps it is so typical. I see myself in it. I know that I had issues and I certainly tried to face them without actually addrssing them for 50 years

BUT - I finally got self destructive. I hated NOT being the female person I felt myself to be. Life was so unfair.

So I went to a gender specialist therapist. FLASH - bulb went off in my head!

I am now in transition.

Thanks for your insights - we need to know we are not alone.

Lizzy

[Guest Amanda L Richards]

Hi Charlotte W

All things in nature "will" find their way to their truest form when permitted to do so! Untill then it is an illusion and "all" illusions always fade in time.

Amanda LR

[Sally]

Well, you aren't that atypical.

I have been lucky in the respect that I have never attempted to harm myself, not really anything to brag about I'm afraid of pain and death - even more afraid of trying suicide and failing!

Let yourself find her way to the surface and you may be surprised - I'm still not on hormones yet but I have changed so much and the sexual orietation can shift on you - and I think that's a good thing.

I had to work to be a heterosexual male, but becoming a heterosexual female is easy.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest skyy]

thats really interesting. i would exactly say it too atypical. i mean, none of us on this site are exactly normal, we are the exceptions to the rule. but i must say i have had similar experience in becoming more girly. just ask Deeedoo. it really is great. and yea, it funny how we try so hard to be what we were all along. i guess thats just irony. once it clicked that i didnt HAVE toact like a girl, but rather i just needed to allow myself to be me, it just clicked. and now i'm free from it all...sorta....still havent actually started to transition yet, but i'm very close. sorry for rambling, and thanks for the story.

[Guest Cait]

Helping others seems to help alot. My medical doctors I've had never seemed interested in helping me.

There's not alot of money in helping people, you have to do it because you recognize things you see in others within yourself.

You probably couldn't find alot of "typical" transgendered stories. I had a hard time telling people I even had the problem.

Even since I've been on the forum a short time I stopped caring about what people might think and began transition on my own.

I do have doctors I go to for bloodwork and therapy, but they mostly just want my insurance money. It's rare to find anyone in the healthcare

profession that even seems to have a soul. I did meet a chiropractor once and we even talked about why it seems this way.

I try to help people but maybe Freud was right in the idea that people will improve by just talking about their problems.

None of the drugs or "therapy by design, without patient consent" ever did anything but make me more confused and self-hating.

Xanax did take away my panic attacks but I mainly get that from a respitory doctor, which made my psychiatrist angry so he gives it to me too.

I have to throw it out.

Kudos to you if you can navigate through life with some of these doctors, although in Transition you might not have to deal with too much Psychaitry.

The ones I've been able to confront grew very angry and hostile, which...you would think would be a sign of Mental Illness...

and tortured me with drugs.

just this morning i was watching "Psychiatry: an industry of death" wherein, in the final segment we see that Psychiatry is used to foster

ethnic cleansing in the Bosnian/Serbs war.

This doctor was known to get angry about that too...

I guess he wanted to be over there killing folks too.

That would be my non-religious advice to anyone, don't place too much trust in doctors and therapists

you put just this one doctor of mine in another country.......he's a mass muderer.

a person has to decide what to believe for themselves. It's too bad Scientology seems to be the only group beating Psychiatry

and they are worse.

Organized religion and politics are like viruses it would seem, the stronger ones strangling out the lesser evils.

but as Jerry Garcia once noted,

Consistently choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.

sometimes, I wonder if Al Gore ever reads the musicians he claims to like so much.

Frank Zappa didn't seem to like him very much.

what this has to do with your problem i don't know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm the only transsexual I know.

in my southern city these people are mostly into low-level 1960's rascism

incest,

personal politics and the good old boy network

thankfully , modern technocarcy has brought them into the present just in time to be a part of the NEW WORLD Order

as Europe and china and Russia dump America aside.

let's all fight each other!!!!

Transsexualism probably isn't the amazing horrific taboo it's made out to be.

It's certainly more palatable than say having sex with your brother or sister

like white trash and Intellictuals like Charles Darwin enjoyed.

Cait

note to others:Hitler,Stalin, numerous others...you'll notice most of the heinous people that ever lived had sex with their sisters.

look at how people slather after these nuts. Being Transsexual really isn't all that bad . Look at that Satanic wanderings that have lead our leaders

to persue a New World Order even if we all die in the process. Making billions of people suffer along the way to their utopia.

[Guest angie]

I have known I was(different) since very young.

Being a child of the sixties,I didn't know why I felt I was a girl,

only that I did.It was at 21 while in the Army,I saw a tiny black

and white thumbnail picture of a preop that I connected with how

I felt,and what I finally knew was who I am.But,I buried her for many

years.Thinking this isn't how a(man)should feel,it must be my imagination.

That imaginary woman would not go away though.She was ALWAYS there,

waiting her turn,getting stronger and stronger as the decades rolled by.

I look good now,very womanly.I can't go back,or else I would.I would have

been a beautiful woman in my twenties,with a lifetime of womanhood ahead

of me.Ah well,don't look back don't regret.I lead a good life.Have two wonderful

fully accepting beautiful daughters that love me.The children I wouldn't have

had if I had transitioned early in life.I consider the lost years as a good tradeoff

for the love I have,the loves I had and the good life I lead as my old self.

Now my Real Life is running at full tilt and I could not be happier.

Huge Hugs,

Angie