Ruminations for a Bar Stool

[Jennifer T]

Sat in a bar last night and talked with the bartender for a couple hours. Our discussions veered toward military service as we discussed traveling. I am a AF vet and he is an AF brat. Found we've been to some of the same places and we've a bit of commonality regarding interests. Our discussions was light and lively. But as the memories of those days flooded back, I was stricken with how totally different the person I was in those days is from the person I am today. There is much I miss about those days. But I have to wonder what it would like to serve today amid all the changes that are taking place regarding TG issues. Who would I be today if I were young and serving? Who would Jennifer be?

I suppose I digress. I did enjoy my military service and I have no regrets concerning it. Jennifer was so completely sequestered by T that there was no place for her then. Sometimes I wish I'd have been able to keep that cloak pulled taught; that I could have maintained the status quo. But I suppose that was never possible either. I just think things were simpler then.

For those of you who serve today and live with the portentous perplexity of this condition at the forefront of your vision, you have my regard and my respect. I hope the future becomes brighter.

[tracy_j]

Although I had little thought for it at the time I do wonder with what I know now how far I could have gone to being as I am now when I was in the RAF. Then I was at time feminine with some things but it was new and exciting out in the world (as I had just left school) so had other things on my mind.

I do remember doing many things (not trans) which would have been jumped on had I been seen. I was a bit of a rebel but not a downright lawbreaker. I usually knew where the boundary was and just bounced off it.

As such I think a lot could have been done, had I so desired, but it is easy to look in hindsight and would have been very scary at the time.

Tracy

[Jani]

...I suppose I digress. I did enjoy my military service and I have no regrets concerning it. Jennifer was so completely sequestered by T that there was no place for her then. Sometimes I wish I'd have been able to keep that cloak pulled taught; that I could have maintained the status quo. But I suppose that was never possible either. I just think things were simpler then.

I also have no regrets with my time in the military and actually enjoyed most of it. But I did push Jani back to a corner of my mind. It was an intense time that required real focus. I guess its good that we can do what we need to do, when called upon.

Thanks for your service Jennifer!

Jani

[Jennifer T]

I also have no regrets with my time in the military and actually enjoyed most of it. But I did push Jani back to a corner of my mind. It was an intense time that required real focus. I guess its good that we can do what we need to do, when called upon.

Thanks for your service Jennifer!

Jani

Indeed, we do what we must when we must. And thank you for your service as well!

Peace

[Jennifer T]

I do remember doing many things (not trans) which would have been jumped on had I been seen. I was a bit of a rebel but not a downright lawbreaker. I usually knew where the boundary was and just bounced off it.

Tracy

Interesting. Up until my time in the military, yes I did many things that were feminine and people did question. I too was somewhat of a rebel. But upon entering service, I chose to put those things behind me and embrace all that I believed was masculine. I actually recall quite vividly making that decision. Did you experience anything like that?

And once I did so, I didn't look back.

[StephanieVikingGirl]

Yep, my military days were very different, the times were very different and so was I. I suppose of course that if I was at least thirty years younger, I could make it in the military again. It would be very different going in as a woman, and I would not be interested in going into the infantry this time, lol. That was hard stuff, and although I was very good at it, I did feel out of place as an infantry sergeant.

Jennifer, Tracy, and Jani, thanks to all of you for your service.

hugs,

Stephanie

[Guest LesleyAnne]

My ruminations for a barstool.......

I wrote this in another venue, so I decided to re-write it here, so sorry but I felt the need to get this out......

The following is my own reflections as a veteran......

When I went to what we Americans call boot camp, my Sergeant told us that we were serving our country to preserve our freedoms, and way of life. We would be asked to carry that abroad, and we would serve to be an example or ambassador to the rest of the world. We were to show that our way of life was worth the sacrifice we were freely willing to make.

"Ours was Not to reason why, Ours is just to do or die!" A motto we lived by, and a lot of my friends died by......I truly believed that what I was doing was an honor, and I truly believed that I was preserving freedom, and our way of life.

Today when I think back on my service, I cry.......I cry for those that did not return, those that died, and I question for what? I cry for the families that will forever miss them, and their sacrifice was for what? I cry for a freedom that is only true for some, but I feel not for all.

I admit that at times I am bitter, and I admit that I question my past beliefs, and loyalty. I admit I no longer feel the goose bumps I used to get when they played our national anthem, and raised our flag....... I cry now because I just don't feel!

My apologies to those of you, whom I offend, please excuse me because my writings are just a release of my own personal sadness. I don't judge your loyalty, beliefs, nor do I question them....just my own!

I do however want back my sense of pride, to feel those goose bumps, those feelings of pride, but it's hard when so many of those who you fought for, see you as a pariah, and not worthy of your existence here........

I served my country, I dodged bullets that were meant to kill, I watched my brothers fall next to me with eyes wide open, I listened to screams of pain beyond your belief, I saw fear in the faces of the bravest of the brave, and I served along side them, I laughed with them, cried with them, and then I cried for them.

To this day I remember all of this as if it were yesterday, but it was forty six years ago, and yet I still suffer from nightmares, night sweats, and wake up in terror. I still sit at restaurants with my back to the wall facing an entry. I still feel my heart drop when I hear a load noise like a motorcycle backfiring, I still fear nightfall when I can't see, and am anxious for the sun to rise. I am uneasy around crowds, and avoid them at all costs. I don't own a gun anymore, I can't imagine shooting one again, I cry when I see life ebb from even the smallest of creatures. It breaks my heart to see any life treated so casually. The soldier in me is long gone, but the scars remain, I wish this on no one, not even the ones that call me names, or wish me to not exist.

I am sorry for writing this here, please forgive me, I reflect back on these things a lot, but especially when I read about bathroom bills, murders of not just transgender people but of anyone. I cry so easily now when I see or read about the hate and the divisions that plague our country. Is this what I fought for?

I thought I fought for you, and Mom's, and Dad's, and children to be able to walk out of their front door with head held high, and fearing no one.

I still dream of such a place, and I still hold out hope..........

When I sign off with "Peace and Love" I truly mean it! I mean it with all of my heart!

And again I wish to apologize if I have offended anyone, I meant you no harm, and did not mean to cast any dispersions on how you feel, or what you believe.........

I was just showing you a glimpse of my soul.....the real LesleyAnne, and I think about this a lot lately, April 20th was the day I lost my best friend to enemy fire, and for some reason I have not stopped thinking about him, and the 3 other friends that died that day. Usually I can put it in the back of my mind by now, but I just haven't been able to this time. I think that all of this hate, and the bathroom bills have a lot to do with it, and are just getting me down.....I'm so tired of fighting girls!

I'm really hurting right now, and unfortunately I just can't bring up pleasant memories of my times in the military.

I just want peace, I want all of us to have peace.

Forgive me!

Peace and Love

LesleyAnne

[Jennifer T]

LesleyAnne, please hear this - you owe no apologies! I have things I want to say; things I wrote but cannot yet post. Maybe I'll pm you.

But you owe no one any apologies. Please know this.

And let me say this - thank you.

[Charlize]

Please LesleyAnne don't apologize. You have every right to feel as you do and somehow a barstool was and is often a place where we can speak of such things. I'm so sorry for your looses. I was fortunate to have bypassed the horrors of war. I saw pain in my fathers face and had many friends who never returned themselves or if they did it was with scars both visible and invisible. As an addict in recovery i have learned that sharing the pain does help. Don't ask me how or why but somehow it does. Thank you for sharing your experience, your strength and your hope. Indeed peace and love take on more meaning with experience.

Now allow me to climb up on the stool next to you. This is the time of year when i am likely to break down myself. 19 years ago i lost my 13 year old son to an accident with a firearm. I was the first there and held him as i waited for the EMT's. Unfortunately the police arrived first as a swat team and before the squad was even able to help him i was led away with a gun to my head. He died a week later. His scout troop carried his uniform behind the float they had built. His bugle was on top of the tower where he was to play taps for the reviewing stage. Each year this time i relieve this as well as flashbacks through the year. I'll loan you a shoulder if i can use yours. I once drank and drank very heavily to forget this but that only worked to take me lower. Now i'm sober and i try to understand that helping others through their difficulties is the best medicine for my own.

Love and peace

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest LesleyAnne]

Oh Charlize I'm so sorry!

I can't even imagine the pain you feel. I know how bad I hurt but it pales in comparison..........

You have my shoulder my sister, it will always be available for you!

Peace, and Love,

LesleyAnne

[tracy_j]

I do remember doing many things (not trans) which would have been jumped on had I been seen. I was a bit of a rebel but not a downright lawbreaker. I usually knew where the boundary was and just bounced off it.

Tracy

Interesting. Up until my time in the military, yes I did many things that were feminine and people did question. I too was somewhat of a rebel. But upon entering service, I chose to put those things behind me and embrace all that I believed was masculine. I actually recall quite vividly making that decision. Did you experience anything like that?

And once I did so, I didn't look back.

To some extent I was politically motivated in those years (as many in their late teens tend to be). Most members in my father and mothers families had been in the military so it was a natural step and I headed for a technical trade.

Aside from that I was never really motivated to be masculine as such. I always wanted to be really fit and still follow the same ideals. I was never one to workout in the male way. I was more motivated by ballet, gymnastics and other dance although I would never have let that show in military service. In earlier years I have drifted to and fro with more feminine periods. I remember that I spent much of my free time either dreaming or tried to be alone as I found the full on male atmospere too much for long periods. I remember things fondly but it was a long time ago.

I did and do have heros who were male (as well as female ones). Many of these were military elite and I still allure to the mindset (at least as I imagine) of special forces with their fitness, determination and intelligence. The killing bit is not so good though.

Not having been in a war zone I don't know what it is like but can empathise. Bad things affect us all as well as the good. When we start out few of us realise where things may lead. I am sorry to hear of the bad things you have all experienced. I have come across many of these with my work. Working in healthcare feels right but I do come across some of the failures in human relations - some of the better things too thankfully, shining through adversity.

Tracy

[Jennifer T]

Oh Charlize, what can one say to such a thing! God, you ladies are breaking my heart in so many ways today. I just spoke to someone concerning how life steals our innocence. As a parent I can only imagine what you went through. Please know that you have my respect in a way that transcends my understanding of such. To be where you are today as it relates to the journey you've walked; well it speaks volumes of the depth of your soul and your fortitude.

I salute you and offer you my shoulder, should you ever need such.

My heart weeps.

[StephanieVikingGirl]

LesleyAnne, what you have said touches my heart. I spent too much of my life involved in this country's war machine, and I now pray for peace. I bear mental and physical scars from my 24 years of service in the defense of our country. My experiences in the Persian Gulf (Summer 2003 thru Spring 2004) weren't all that bad, not nearly as bad as your war experiences, but my years as an authorized classifier and derivative declassifier of documents for the Department of Energy (formerly known as the Atomic Energy Commission, ie. the people who make nukes) really messes with my head. Too many things learned during a very stressful life with no margin for error allowed. I seek only peace now.

Charlize, I am sorry for your loss, I can only imagine the pain of losing a child. I have lost many friends and relatives, including both parents, but I have never had children. I carried firearms during much of my life, and followed the ways of a warrior; but no more. I don't keep a firearm anymore, and I don't miss them.

peace, love, and hugs,

Stephanie

[Ravin]

Frankly, serving post-transition would have made a huge difference for me. I would not have had to deal with the BS that came with serving as a woman. The misogyny, false gallantry, and the double standards were part of what made it hard. DADT was a driving force in my decision not to re-enlist, along with wanting to start a family, and depression at having to put myself and my own well-being as well as my family's on a backburner behind everything else.

That said, my older, wiser self has a different understanding now of patriotism and an unwillingness to suffer fools or shut down part of my ability think and question why, which would make me not a very good choice for an enlisted man in any branch of service. Indeed, the wakening of all that was part of what went into my decision to not make a career of it.

Basically, the growing up I had to do to get to a place where transition was possible was not compatible with a career in the service. I cringe at the idea of being that young and naive again.

[Jennifer T]

Hi Ravin. Oh, I think we all glean some wisdom as we age.

Personally, I do not think I could have served as a woman; especially as a woman now, with how I feel about things in life.

But then, when I served in my 20s, it was the right thing for me. And to do it, I had to lock away tightly all that was feminine about me. I don't think I would have survived any other way. But that's me.

I personally still believe this country is worth fighting for. If attacked I will still defend her.

Peace