truly trans or just delusional?

[lizzy16]

so im a sober member of alcoholics anonymous, and ive been seriously confused about whats going on with me over the last couple months. i made an intro topic that kind of fits in with this, but i was hoping to get some help, thoughts, etc. on my situation. about 6 or so months into sobriety i started being obsessed it seems with women's clothing and the idea of having a female body (i was born male). i felt depressed, which was/is way off from the first six months where i was on fire for the program, for life, for God, etc. i made some changes, started practicing a better tenth and eleventh step, and although things would get better periodically, my depression got worse, and im afraid to say ive been living on page 52 for a little while now. my biggest fear is that these feelings are correct and that im going to have to face them head on with my sponsor and those in my circle, whom ive heard say things about trans people that arent or didnt seem too friendly or accepting. on the other hand, im also afraid that these feelings are the result of not living an effective program and that ive become delusional; looking for something outside myself to fill the void because somehow i just cant seem to feel God's presence like i used to. It's there and i can feel It sometimes, but its nothing like It used to be. is this idea of possibly being trans just a defect of mine, rooted in something else that i cant see (or wont accept), or is it something to truly look at and face my fears?

[tracy_j]

Hi Lizzy

Welcome to Lauras

You are in the right place here to get guidance. People here are very friendly and some have been, at least in some way, where you are. They may well be far better equipped to answer your questions, but please do not hesitate to read around and post as you will get an insight to other people's issues which may be similar.

Tracy x

[Charlize]

Welcome Lizzy. My name is Charlize and i'm an alcoholic. Thank you for your share. All of our experiences are different but please let me share a bit of my experience with this issue of sobriety and transition. I dressed a great deal prior to getting sober and had begun to frequent bars, clubs and regular life as a woman while hiding from the world. My alcoholism became bad enough to sent me crawling into the rooms. I won't share details as you have probably heard enough horror stories about this disease.

When i did my 5th step my gender issues came up but my sponsor as a cis gendered catholic didn't understand or perhaps didn't want to deal with that "defect". I spent 3 years sober without even beginning to deal with it. There is a post in this forum about my coming out to a women's group after 3 years that may help you see my journey. There is also one about my home group at 5 years. Each time i confronted this my burden became lighter despite the fear and pain honesty caused me.

Now i can honestly say that i'm experiencing the promises as i never thought possible.

Please feel free to post here and when you have 5 posts PM me if you wish. We have a Sunday meeting in the chatrooms where you would be welcome. There are also several meetings in real time where voice and images can be seen as desired for all trans* or gender questioning folks.

Believe it or not we also have a live meeting once a month for trans* alcoholics in my neighborhood.

We all have different paths but by sharing our fears as well as our experiences we can help each other towards our own truth.

Hugs,

Charlize

[lizzy16]

Welcome Lizzy. My name is Charlize and i'm an alcoholic. Thank you for your share. All of our experiences are different but please let me share a bit of my experience with this issue of sobriety and transition. I dressed a great deal prior to getting sober and had begun to frequent bars, clubs and regular life as a woman while hiding from the world. My alcoholism became bad enough to sent me crawling into the rooms. I won't share details as you have probably heard enough horror stories about this disease.

When i did my 5th step my gender issues came up but my sponsor as a cis gendered catholic didn't understand or perhaps didn't want to deal with that "defect"

See nothing like that came up for me, although I should have said something at least about the crossdressing. I'm afraid of being one of those that didn't get it/thoroughly follow the path because i left something out like the book says. I'm struggling to tell my sponsor and yet i dont even know yet if im truly a female or male. its probably a bad idea not to say anything since my life seems to get worse, yet i dont want to air it all out until ive discovered the truth. i also feel like the truth might be clouded by my thinking, which has rarely ever been sound in the first place. ive tried to pray about this, but im still lost as can be.

ill crossdress at night, feel pretty good although it usually ends up as something else...an outside issue we'll call it (not drugs or alcohol mind you) and then wake up the next morning with remorse and horror like the book talks about. this is one thing that makes me feel like what im doing isnt natural because i can see so many other patterns of behavior just like when i was drinking. hiding things, living a double life, etc.

[VickySGV]

Hi Lizzy, I am Vicky and I am an Alcoholic, I keep bumping my original post in this forum up, but for now I will just link it in here so that you can see my story. I had a little bit of push-back from some 3rd Tradition ultra traditional folks as you can see from my story but today I am fully me with the my groups knowing who and what I am, and my need to be Authentic as I do my work.

I made this post about 5 years ago when I first came on here, it shows 972 days, which are now 2,793 days and I would not be here if it were not for the honesty and submission that I needed to put out on the table.

http://forum.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=33881

[Charlize]

Lizzy, the very fact that you are conflicted and are feel badly is a good reason to share your feelings either with your sponsor or others. The need for honesty is mentioned 3 times in the first paragraph of how it works. Just because we are honest about a feeling being part of us is no reason we have to act on that feeling. The keeping of that secret is what may lead us back to our addiction. I know sober crossdressers with long term sobriety who have grown to accept their feminine side. The guilt and fear can fall away but not if we guard ourselves from ever being open about it's existence.

When i look back on my dressing and the horrible feelings of depression i felt because of it i see how it was the dishonesty, fear and shame that caused that depression. I am human, i.e. not perfect. I have to accept myself past and present if i hope to act in a way that provides me with some serenity.

Glad you are here with us. Keep coming. Being active here helped me a great deal to find a path that works for me.

Hugs,

Charlize an alcoholic

[lizzy16]

Right, I'm sure the day where I "air a 5th step" about this with my sponsor will come soon as I've had this nudge for a little while now. It's funny you wrote that because two days ago I had made the decision to not dress up anymore, thinking this whole deal is just a defect that I need to take action on, but when I got home I found myself fully dressed as a woman, on my knees, saying the serenity prayer over and over. I felt a growing wave of acceptance come over me, and I actually felt at peace with myself for the first time in a while. This morning I woke up, dressed up all the way until I had to get to work, and felt pretty good about it. I only felt the remorse and embarrassment or a very short time during the first half hour or so of my workday. Tonight, I went out half-way dressed and felt exhilaration afterwards instead of shame, although we'll see what the morning brings. Thanks for all the help.

[Charlize]

Lizzy you might enjoy our meetings on Zoom. They used to be on Skype but we outgrew the size limits there.

Here is the link to the topic describing the meetings which contains the sign up procedure. Like Laura's we have a gatekeeper(greeter) who keeps our space safe. Her name is Kate. There are many folks from throughout the gender spectrum but all need real time AA meetings.

Several members of Laura's participate. Meetings are on Saturday, Thursday and now Monday but posts can be made at any time.

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=62673

[lizzy16]

Sounds good I might check it out, thanks

[JenniferB]

It never hit me that I might be trans until I was 50. It didn't make any sense because I'd never felt that way before but there it was. My advice is to find a gender therapist who can help you work through your questions. Whether you are transgender or not it is nice to know.

Searching for who you are is always a viable path. Good Luck!

Jennifer