Dysphoria Again

[Guest Charlotte J.]

I'm struggling right now. This past week I attended an LGBT advocacy group organized by a friend. My friend doesn't know that I'm trans* (or at least I haven't told him, and he hasn't asked, which I think I'm thankful for). The group was small: three gay men, three political organizers, a graduate student, and myself. The discussion centered around trans* folks. It was... interesting. No one was being a bigot, but it was clear that they had various ranges of limited grasps on trans* identities. I kept quiet until it became too uncomfortable for me. The talk had made it clear that most of the people in the room were mostly unaware of non-binary trans* folk. In order to live with myself in that space, I had to speak up and explain non-binary. I didn't say, "that's me, non-binary trans woman", but I dropped some hints. Not really intentionally; it was just hard not to.

I haven't been around LP much since last summer or maybe fall, so some reintroduction might be helpful. My gender dysphoria came to the surface during my early 30s--or maybe I should say my awareness of it did. I suffered from depression as a teenager and young adult. I still do from time to time, but now I understand it much better. It's a complicated beast but is partially, maybe mostly, connected to gender dysphoria. The more I come out to myself and others, the clearer it becomes to me that I am non-binary, or third gender, or 300th gender, or genderqueer, choose your term. I don't want SRS. That may change as I emerge further. Ideally I just want to be able to wear skirts and other women's clothes in the world, a splash and a half of make-up, and accessorize like a demon. I wouldn't at all mind getting rid of this facial hair. I definitely want to continue closing the gap on male pattern baldness. I want my lush hair back and am working towards that with finasteride, which is also giving me killer man-boobs. I joke because I have to. I keep it light when I can, which is most of the time, but not always. Like in LGBT advocacy groups. Or when I go clothes shopping, like I did a couple hours ago, and even at the supposedly trans*-friendly H&M store feel supremely uncomfortable looking at women's clothes so I stick to the men's section and don't find much in the way of my style. It seems silly in a way, but that experience is totally lonely and completely demoralizing. I think I should get someone to go with me as support and may have met someone recently who would do that. My wife would, but there's a certain awkwardness in that and, beyond that, we rarely go out together without our kids.

After all of that I just said, things are largely really really good in my life. I'm happier than I've ever been, except for those innocent days when I was a kid and didn't know that the world held such horror, only beauty. And I think that child-like-ness is a key to reclaiming my identity, which is full of gender, both masculine and feminine. But I've had too much masculinity for too long and so much of patriarchal masculinity as modeled and reflected through culture and embedded in social interaction is extremely toxic to me. Which is large part of why: depression. I had a taste of depression again today when I was out; it's fading now, but it scares me. It scares me more than ever because now I realize what I've been missing: myself, me, whole and gender-full, comfortable and social, working and acting from a place of love. I don't feel like I'm in danger of losing touch with the me I've reclaimed, but I am kinda freaked out about how to move forward comfortably. Like I'm going to go back to that advocacy group in a couple weeks and I'm pretty sure I'm going to come out to those people in that safe space. I am going to trust them, and these are the same people who just a few days ago told me that they feel "uncomfortable" around trans* people and who "don't understand" trans* people--me, us. So when I come out I step into a very vulnerable space AND I bet I also will be seen as some kind of person who can spread knowledge and "explain" or advocate for trans* folk to the people in that group. And while I might be able to do that to an extent, really the trans* I know best is my fledgling non-binary me, and I know I'm not representative of all trans* people; no one is... obviously, right? But I hope that I will trust those people and come out to them because I know that doing that is the way out for me. Out a bit more from the threat of depression, from isolation and feeling like I'm only half-alive and foggy.

Tangents... tangled skeins of social interactions and forbidden fabrics.

Ah, well, it helps to write-rant a bit. Thanks for reading. Thanks for being here.

Much love,

Charlotte

[Charlize]

At some point we have to talk to someone. It sounds like you have folks who might be supportive. i went to meetings with the gab community for some time and after a bit some started to explain that they didn't understand being trans*. I just told them i didn't understand cis gendered gay folks for that matter. It took a while but now it is known as a GLBTQ group instead of a GLB group.

It took me years to become comfortable in the world. Being here, reading and sharing did a great deal for me.

Thank you for your share. Rants are necessary at times. Your not alone.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Thanks, Charlize. This site is the place where, just over a year ago, I opened up for the first time beyond my wife about being trans*. It has and continues to be immensely helpful--reading what others have posted and especially writing my own story, digging into those thoughts and feelings in a safe and fairly anonymous space.

I'm getting further along to becoming me. Insecurity and rants are natural responses to the ground I'm walking out on now, I think. Really appreciate your feedback and support.