Difference between cross-dresser and trans

[lizzy16]

So I've been cross-dressing on and off I believe since I hit puberty. I can remember my pubes coming in and feeling somewhat depressed as if something wasn't right about that. I would dress up in my mom's clothes and sometimes paint my nails. That went on for a few years, not consecutive nights, but mainly just when I got the chance. I stopped when I was in college up until I got my own place for the last few semesters, and literally before I had anything moved in, I had women's clothes in the apartment. I stopped maybe a year or so after I graduated and didn't start back up again (possibly due to a nasty drug habit that occupied all of my thoughts and time) until a couple months ago when I hit a low spot in my sobriety. (...or did one befall the other?) Now I'm confused as to whether I'm simply a guy who likes to wear women's clothes and wishes he had a woman's body or if I'm truly a woman deep inside. I've always thought life would be easier/better as a woman and have always been interested in transitioning, but never really took too close of a look at it. I'm trying to do that now, but I'm still not sure what exactly I am. I know there's no rush, but it seems to be affecting my life more and more. I've actually gone to stores, not only to browse and buy women's clothes, but I even tried some jeans on the other day.
I guess my question is, what's the difference between being just a cross-dresser and being trans? Is there anything definitive to this or is it just acceptance and experience?

[SoSarah]

Hi Lizzy allot of questions there. I have become fairly knowledgeable on these thoughts as it pertains to myself, not necessarily others, anyone who has confusions on the need of a new calling of their gender identity, whether age early or age late has and can have so many nuances that cause the journey to be mind blowing and a person can self destruct, that's why professional help (gender therapist recommended) is a good step. My personal opinion of womenhood is not easier than manhood, especially if your standards of presentation are high, and that's just the beginning. Wearing women's clothing and having a female body (to me) are two completely different things,does that mean you don't want certain appendage you were born with or a better body the fits the clothing you like. A cross dresser does come under the total umbrella of being transgender. The stopping and coming back to your interest (or needs) is a clue that's its deeper but I again formed these opinions after 7 years of therapy that was tailored by professional for my own unique needs. Keep asking Lizzy there are lots of trans women and men that can give you their own perspective. smile's.... Sarah

[Charlize]

Lizzy i can certainly relate to your confusion. I would point out one little word in this phrase....." what's the difference between being just a cross-dresser and being trans?" Just doesn't belong there in my opinion. There really isn't a ladder of importance to our issues with gender and presentation. I dressed on and off for years. When i got sober i left it all behind but then i decided to dress and go to some meetings out of town. There i could be honest while at home the shame and fear was simply too much. A bit later i came to Laura's and found others who struggled to find a path. I also went to a gender therapist as was suggested to me. (i suggest that for you as well). Little by little i discovered a way forward to a peace with myself. For me that was living full time and making the physical changes i could make.

When you mentioned easier being a woman i agree with you but only because i've finally found some peace with my body and way of life. It is wonderfully liberating to simply be me. That could have happened just as well as a crossdresser. But only if the guilt and fear could have been lifted.

That was simply not enough for me. Each time i reentered the world as a male i was miserable.

We have to follow our own path. It takes time and the steps often seem so small but life is a process of change in so many ways.

Hugs,

Charlize

[MarcieMarie12]

Izzy, from what my experience has been a crossdresser would never consider themselves female, and is just crossdressing to fulfill an emotional need. A transwoman is dressing as female to better represent themselves as female so others would treat them as female (and for FTM it is to present as male to be male). Also, another difference between crossdresers and transmen an transwomen is the gender dysphoria. Crossdresssers have very little to no gender dysphoria, transmen and transwoman tend to have quite bit of gender dysphoria (though not all).

In my experience I ceased considering myself a crossdresser when I realized that I needed and wanted to be female all the time. Actually a bit sooner than that. I started off as a crossdresser, thought I might be gender fluid, but realized after being female for the whole weekend I just didn't want to go back. I've written up a chronicle of first in my transition journey here that goes into more detail--compared to others it has been easy (except for family and that has been more of one of just being excluded than hostility):

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=68553

[Guest Alicia Rose]

[...] Now I'm confused as to whether I'm simply a guy who likes to wear women's clothes and wishes he had a woman's body or if I'm truly a woman deep inside. I've always thought life would be easier/better as a woman and have always been interested in transitioning, but never really took too close of a look at it. I'm trying to do that now, but I'm still not sure what exactly I am. I know there's no rush, but it seems to be affecting my life more and more. I've actually gone to stores, not only to browse and buy women's clothes, but I even tried some jeans on the other day.

I guess my question is, what's the difference between being just a cross-dresser and being trans? Is there anything definitive to this or is it just acceptance and experience?

Gender is a broad spectrum and is as unique to all of us as a fingerprint. So, there isn't an answer to be read and accepted. There's instead a journey of exploration and discovery. A path only you can travel to find your answer.

Why do I identify as Transgender/Female and don't identify as Cross-Dresser? For me, living a life as my "birth gender" has been and would be a nightmare. It's just a depressive; not worth living; everything feels wrong; type of feeling. It's like reading a book with blank pages... just doesn't make sense and gets me no where in life.

Feelings like those are something I'd wish for no one. Living as Trans* doesn't make my life easier.. it only creates challenges I wish I didn't have to face. If I could be happy as male, I wouldn't be transgender.

If you could take a magic pill that gave you the best, manly body and attractive features, that you knew would work perfectly, would you take it? There's not a day I would ever take that. I'd rather continue facing these difficult challenges to be myself, than someone I'm not.

Keep researching online what it means to be Transgender. Watch YouTube videos on what it means, and try to understand what Trans* lives are like. Look for a therapist that can help you find your answers.

[Guest Kaylee]

Hi Lizzy,

I agree with some of the points above, but not all... for me personally.

I started dressing around age 6, and struggled with who I was, and why I felt the need to dress until age 20. I did consider myself a cross-dresser for years, even after I started wishing I was a woman at 20. My size and my looks seemed to preclude any further action, and I still considered myself a cross-dresser. By 32, I began to identify as gender queer... still going to bed with feelings that I wished I was female. Over all those years, I was depressed, and felt like there were things missing in my life, and on my body.

I dated alot over the last few years, trying to fill an emptiness. I hoped that finding the right girl would help me be at least... content. It never happened, and only made me try to be more masculine. At 40, I experienced something very personal, and I realized it was time to make my self happier... and began transition.

The way I felt about all of it evolved over the years, even though I always felt "different" about my body and who I "could" have been.

Regarding "easier"... being a woman is certainly not easier. It's more comfortable.... a happier place for me. I smile a lot more, and all of the mental and disipline blocks I set up to conform to "manhood" can now all be shed. I get to be myself with no judge or ramifications.

Spending 40 minutes or more getting ready to go to the store is a major pain in big round bahooky! Quick and easy are out the window.

Additionally, I have not been into the auto parts or repair shop yet.... where some people know me by my old name. I imagine it could be problematic, as I have never in my life been questiond about my mechanical skills, and my Range Rover is an oddity in my rural area, so it gives me away.

A therapist is a great idea. Mine helped me remember more indicators from childhood, and things made more sense to me.

Ultimatly, no one can make that destinction between CD and Trans except you. Move forward with what you feel makes you happiest at the time, and see where life leads you

[Guest Clair Dufour]

Trans* people need to be the other binary. Crossdressers and drag queens often identify as dual gender. That is, they enjoy being both and are often two different people not only in dress but also in mind. The reasons, satisfaction and relationships vary. I have friends who are small, fem, gay men who when they dress become strong confident women who can rock a size 6 dress! Others dress to express their softer side in the face of cultural binary demands placed on men. Which we see in younger people expressed as gender queer or agnostic. We one considers the feminist culture we live in, it becomes obvious, if you can't beat them, join them!

[tracy_j]

I note all of the above!

My experience has been a little different again. I have been behaving in very feminine ways here and there for years, much to the confusion of friends and family. It was only a few years ago that I started dressing as such. Now most of my time is spent in female clothing. Thinking about it I would say that I were behaving female before dressing as such. Clothing, to me, is the icing on the cake. I like to look right.

I think a lot of people crossdress before realising, or learning, who they are

Tracy

[JenniferB]

My story is one of the rarer ones. I never really thought about being transgender, didn't really know about it growing up long before the internet. The only transgender person I knew vaguely was Renee Richards. It was in my early 40s when I first learned about GRS. And I really wanted that badly and wanted to get rid of my male parts. At that time though I let it pass, and it was forgotten.

It was when I turned 50 that it really struck home. That's when I started doing the research on it and it seared my mind, similar to the genie being let out of the bottle. From that point onward being a woman was in my thoughts every waking moment. It just wouldn't go away entirely. I might push it back a little for a short time but it would invariably return to the front of all thoughts. I knew I had to transition then and started the process. Lucky there was a MTF meeting close by that met once a month. And that was about the time I found Laura's Playground, I found a lot of answers here and was off the to races of transitioning. In about 1/2 year I started HRT at age 51. Even as old as I was my gender therapist said she was one of the people she was most sure was transexxual.

I've been on hormones now for 5 1/2 years, full time for 4. And there is no way I will ever return to the way I was willfully. I am happy I live as a woman, and even better the gender dysphoria is mostly gone. I still want surgery but at least GD isn't dominating my thoughts anymore. I just live as myself, whatever that is, and identify as a woman.

Jennifer

[Guest]

The short answer for me? Thirty years is the difference. My journey is very much parallel to Jennifer and so many older folks here. Renee Richards was my hero, still is in fact. She was the example I could look up to. (Jennifer I hope God blesses you with surgery too, you are very deserving.) I went through the horrid drug and alcohol addiction, trying to fit in and more so just to live in my own skin. My mask was being a popular bad boy. I hit the gender wall too. Nicer life being female.

I can look back and wish I had transitioned when I was twenty one or younger. The reality is that at that age there was absolutely no social acceptance what so ever in all but the very most progressive groups of western society. I'm talking dangerously so. Scarce little to no information, no help at all unless you were very wealthy. For almost all of us that change was an impossibility, cross hormones were commonly an unknown. In reality it would be like trying to find a sandy warm beach in a frigid blizzard. We all get on board when we can, where we can and to the comfort level that quiets that yearning in our souls. There is no blanket right answers or pathway carved in stone. It's your journey to find yourself, no right or wrong answers, just your answers for you. Happy Journey. Hug. JodyAnn

[MarcieMarie12]

Regarding "easier"... being a woman is certainly not easier. It's more comfortable.... a happier place for me. I smile a lot more, and all of the mental and disipline blocks I set up to conform to "manhood" can now all be shed. I get to be myself with no judge or ramifications.

Spending 40 minutes or more getting ready to go to the store is a major pain in big round bahooky! Quick and easy are out the window.

Kaylee, this is so true. Some things are definitely not easier. I pushed back getting up by half an hour and had to stop hitting the snooze button to get ready for work on time....but then again I find putting on my make-up rather relaxing.

[Guest AshleighP]

Love reading these responses and words of encouragement.

The only thing for sure is, everyone is different, and only you will know who you really are. At almost 60 years old I am still trying to figure it out myself. Some days I am happy just to dress, other days I look in the mirror and wish some parts were gone and others were shaped differently. Best of luck in your journey. Take it slow and enjoy the ride!