Doubts I'll ever come out to my S.O.

[Rowan]

Hi all. This is my first post here. I've been reading a lot of your posts here for awhile, and you all seem like a great support group.

I've struggled with depression for some time now, and I know that at the heart of it is my gender identity issues. Between being insanely jealous of every biological woman I see. Getting to wear the cute dresses, makeup, and just acting feminine in general. And me, hiding my true desires. I've hid them so deep, that I've over compensated. Everybody knows me as the "mans man". I'm the big, burly, hunter/fisherman.

But this hiding myself is taking its toll. The other day, my wife and I went camping. A few campsites over, there was a girl scout troop camping. I found myself getting more and more depressed that I wasn't born into that. That even if I was to transition now, that I wouldn't have the memories of growing up as a typical girl. That most of the memories I have now are of me trying to be extra manly, just to blend in. When, even when I was young,I knew that it was a farce. That I was covering and protecting myself.

I've had thoughts of sharing these feelings with my wife. But I'm afraid that just thinking about it is as far as I'll ever get. My wife loves that I'm the big, protective, and kind of hairy man. And I love her more than anything. I know that I deserve to be happy, but so does she. I make her happy as I am, and I can't find it within myself to hinder her happiness for my own. Don't get me wrong, she makes me extremely happy too. She has been a dream come true to me. It's just when I start thinking about my gender issues that I get depressed.

Sorry if I'm kind of ranting here. I didn't mean for this post to come across as such a downer. I guess I'm just hoping somebody here can relate. And sharing like this is all new to me. This is the most I've ever expressed these feelings, even though it's just words on a screen, and anonymous.

[Carolyn Marie]

First let me welcome you to the Playground, Drufuss. I know the feelings you have; most of us here have had the same. It can seem like an unattainable dream to be the person you are and were meant to be. What seems impossible now may not always seem so.

I'm not going to tell you to tell your wife, or to steam full speed ahead at any cost. It is not my place to do so. We all have to make decisions for ourselves, and then live with those decisions, however they turn out. If possible, you could have a few sessions with a gender therapist to explore your options and to learn more about yourself. It would be a positive thing to do, and would not obligate you to go in any particular direction.

Please continue to read threads that are helpful, ask questions, and learn all you can. The more you learn, the more prepared you will be to make informed decisions.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Rowan]

Thank you Caroline. I'm definitely planning on speaking with a gender therapist. The only problem is that I live in an area where there aren't any. I may just have to speak with one via Skype or something. I've never spoken to anybody about these things, so I'm hoping that being able to say my thoughts out loud to somebody might make the idea of telling the people I care about not seem like such an impossible task. Thank you for the warm welcome. I look forward to getting to know everybody here.

[Guest LesleyAnne]

Drufuss,

I will echo what Carolyn just told you.....she is one of our wise one's here .

I'll just relay a little of my own experience...."man's, man"...you'll find a lot of us that fit that mold here, and for some of us.. a good part of our lives. My profile explains a little of that! I did everything in the book to be macho, tough guy. My wife and I met after I came back from Vietnam. She was invited to a medal ceremony by my niece. The medal that caught up with me once back in the states was for my fourth DFC. or as we say,,, DFC to the third oak leaf cluster. It was awarded to me (I won't go into why) for one of my memorable 154 combat missions as a gunner. Not bragging here, not something I wish to go into, but my point here is that this cute girl who didn't know me from Adam was impressed! Here's this guy getting this medal after the Commander of the base read the citation out loud while pinning it on my chest. This was what cinched the deal to a future together...she was very willing to go out with me after that when I asked her. She fell in love with this fake macho kid, and the feeling was mutual...such a sweet innocent girl!

That day created an impression of me that she used to build upon.....Tough guy, combat surviver, battle proven soldier. HA! Down deep I knew then what i've always known, and was just to Afraid to whisper it to anyone..I'm a girl!. I buried it so many times I couldn't count them all. It tortured me for 60 years, and 43 of those years while married to my sweetheart (still together but it hasn't been easy at all).

I came out to her 2 years ago....harder than any combat mission I ever flew. But for me I knew that if it didn't come out.....well lets just say I couldn't continue. It was eating me from the inside out. I was already being treated for severe PTSD, and therapy for that yanked this out of me, and things began to unravel rather quickly. I was told that I was able to keep this buried because of all the crazy stunts I've done over the years, and working constantly making a living, and keeping myself really busy. Then I was let go from my job at age 61, no one wanted to hire me, I became a lost soul. The PTSD hit full force since I couldn't keep myself busy. It all came out. Now my sons know (both very macho guys...grown with families of their own), most of my inner circle know, and I have lost friends over this as well. Life forever changed...no turning back.

Well I'm certainly living a life true to who I am now, however only at home (I'm still working on that) and my next challenge is full time. I'm not what you would call feminine looking, and I need work....lots, and lots of work. But, working towards goals, not living a lie to my family anymore, has all been spirit lifting.

One last thing.....depression is dangerous, and I'll just say that it's not good for you, or those you love!

Stick around here, get comfortable, get to know us, and all we'll do is wish you every happiness you deserve, no matter what you decide to do.

Oh and by the way, I have a big ole tough Marine Corp cousin that lives close to Bozeman, and he knows about me now too!

He said to me when i came out to him "Are you still my cousin? the one I've always loved, and respected? And if so then I just have a girl cousin instead...so what!" We still talk almost everyday.

LesleyAnne

[Rowan]

Oops. I'm sorry. I meant Carolyn

[Carolyn Marie]

Oops. I'm sorry. I meant Carolyn

LOL! You can call me anything you want, hon, just don't call me later for dinner.

Carolyn Marie

[Rowan]

HAHAHA! Luv it!

[Charlize]

Welcome Drufuss. Glad you found this place. I stumbled in a while back and simply being here, reading and posting to others who understand has been quite helpful.

My wife and i are soon to celebrate 45 years of marriage and i've been full time 4 years now.

It can be done but it's not easy. My wife was used to the construction guy farmer who had built the house but we made it.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Rowan]

Thank you Charlize. It is so good to know that there are so many others that have been through similar situations. I'm so happy that I found this place.