Transgender Parent - Special Needs Son

[Piper]

I posted this as a blog on another site that didn't have a lot of traffic, so I thought I'd update it a little and post it here. It's more of a vent than a question, but I thought it might be interesting to some here.

I have a special needs son.

He doesn't have Autism Spectrum Disorder or anything like that but does have a speech delay. We also are currently investigating if he might have a sensory processing dissorder.

At various times we have had help from a Physical Therapist (when he wasn't crawling well), 2 different Developmental Inverventionists (when he wasn't hitting his milestones quite on time) and he's currently with his 2nd speech therapist (the first had to stop practicing for several months for a reason of a personal nature). Now we are waiting to start Occupational Therapy (OT) as well as another round of DI (Developmental Intervention).

When we start work with a new DI/PT/Speech Therapist, or Coordinator, or Testing Evaluator, we always get to have an at times awkward, sometimes difficult talk with our practitioners.

I'While all our "friends" know, there are family members that don't know on both sides, so I spend much of my time outside of the house, inside of the closet. But the issue is, I AM out inside my house, which means to my son.

He doesn't call me Daddy, and that's always a trigger word they look for. We get to discuss "why he doesn't say daddy".

I'm not going to lie and say I'm dressed fem every day at home. I'm not. Especiually If I know I'm going to have to be dressed drab again for something later in the day. But on the days we talk with new practitioners, I try to be "half way there". I'm often wearing swets and possibly a simple t-shirt (from either side of the wardrobe) but I will always be shaved as smooth as I can manage (without killing my face) and usually with my hair down.

It's a difficult problem to broach for us, and we've never had anyone have issues with me/us. Most recently we got "how would you like me to teach him to address you" and I got to tell the story of how we started off referring to me as "Mommy Piper" and then he kinda picked up "MayMay" or "MeMe" somwhere and we adopted that, and as his speech has recenly exploded, he just started saying "Ommy Pie-Pah" out of the blue. It brought tears to my eyes, and made me so ecstatic.

As our son progresses we get to deal with the unique issue of my gender status will be on record at his grade school. Why does this matter to them? Well see as he progresses from "Early Intervention" he will next test for the possibility of entering "Preschool Disabled" and various special needs programs after that. Each one will cary the records from Early Intervention and all the things that have been documented about my gender by all the various practitioners, and while that scares me a little, I know it's important for others to know so that they don't think he has some kind of "block" against saying daddy.

Now you may be wondering "what is so unique about this?" I mean, even I have assumed it had come up before, exspecially since our Very First coordinator and EI nurse both separately warned us that it would happen. Well the issue comes up with the fact that my Fiance's Mom, and mother of my Son, works as an Aide for Special Needs children in the local school district. Because of this I get to wonder "just how much access does he have" to our Son's records, because that part of my Fiance's family is on the list of "doesn't know, would rather them not know at the moment".

But things go on, and will go on. Things may come out, or not. I know it's not a good idea to dwell on thoughts like this, and instead worry about my son in the present, and help him continue down his path of life, and also continue down my own.

While I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I do know that today, I'm doing well. I'm feeling good, and I don't see a dark cloud lingering near by. So that's a good thing right?

Kirstyn Amanda Fox, -Piper

[Carolyn Marie]

Piper, I can't offer any advice (and I am not sure you were after any), so I just want to thank you for sharing your situation and that of your son with us. It sounds like he has a wonderful advocate in you, and you're doing your best to ensure he gets the treatment he needs to thrive. I do know that from talking to many other trans parents here, that kids, especially young children, adapt to such situations with ease, and never give much thought to "male" and "female" until someone points it out to them that its any different than anyone elses parental situation. What's most important is for him to know you're there for him, and love him. What others may think of your situation is their problem, not yours.

Carolyn Marie

[Charlize]

Thank you for sharing that Piper. I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to vent here. Your love for your son is so good to see. As Carolyn mentioned i think any young child accepts us for who we are. Unfortunately adults can be more difficult but i'm sure it will work out for both of you as your getting the help he needs.

I love his name for you. My grandkids call me Grandi. That works for me.

Hugs,

Charlize

[tracy_j]

An interesting situation Piper!

Working in special needs to some extent here, although in a health context rather than being in education, I often visit special schools and see how things are run, getting to know staff etc.

My experience here in the schools I visit is that they are small friendly places in which most people are known and any facts such as yours would likely be disseminated fairly rapidly. Parents tend to work closely with staff and things tend to have a 'family' atmosphere. This might sound worrying to you but I am accepted well (except on one occasion a few years ago when a group of teenage girls were amused at my makeup ). That said I live in a 'less busy' part of the UK in which the schools tend to be pretty small by big city standards. It's really a case of getting to know each other well, as you will be aware.

Here if a child is in special needs in a mainstream school then I think a lot of the support is sorted outside of the specific schools system (on to ones etc).

I think all I have said is an insight to the system here but on your specific point it would well depend on information governace standards where you are and if she were involved with your child's records in any way. In the healthcare system I work in I could theoretically look someone up but with audit trails etc it would be very risky for my job. If she were to see your childs's name in passing it would likely be just one of a number of names so mean little but just be ready?

Tracy

[Piper]

Here if a child is in special needs in a mainstream school then I think a lot of the support is sorted outside of the specific schools system (on to ones etc).

I think all I have said is an insight to the system here but on your specific point it would well depend on information governace standards where you are and if she were involved with your child's records in any way. In the healthcare system I work in I could theoretically look someone up but with audit trails etc it would be very risky for my job. If she were to see your childs's name in passing it would likely be just one of a number of names so mean little but just be ready?

Tracy

The biggest thing I'm worried about, is my Fiance's Mom can be a bit of a gossip. So since my son carries my last name and not my Fiance's I'm more worried she will hear something in passing instead of directly. I hope I'm just paranoid and nothing else.

We've actually had our first meeting with the local Preschool Disabled. They have been receptive and said they can't speak of parents but that the staff will do everything to be respectful of the situation. It didn't seem to be anything "new" on them but our meeting was with a child psychologist.

I recently just "stopped" my fiance from telling my son's Physical Therapist the whole story, as I just wasn't feeling in the mood of explaining things. I did tell her he refers to me as meymey (we've still not decided how to spell it, but we pronounce it consistently) or "Piepah" but didn't offer an explanation.

We've also run into the newest complication of my son's speach is getting clearer. As of January of this year he was barely saying 2 words phrases, and then only when prompted. With the help of friends we managed to take him to Disney World for a week and his speech has just exploded since then. He said his first 3 word sentence there "My Turn Now!" Recently he saw me looking around the room and asked "Are you looking for your keys?" and I was floored

And while this is great, the issue becomes that his Grandparents, my soon to be inlaws don't know why he doesn't call me daddy. They know he calls Grandpa "papa" and when he says "PiePah" it sounds close enough to "PaPa" that I think they just accept that. But now his PiePah is starting to sound much more like Piper, and for that reason I've started to stay away from my in-laws more.

I know children pick up on a lot more than you expect them to, and I might even be able to explain to him (even at 2 1/2) that I need him to call me something else in front of Grandma and PaPa, but honestly, I want to be selfish and only hear his special words for me from him. Is that wrong of me?

-Piper

[tracy_j]

A tricky situation to be sure and one in which I don't envy you!

Obviously things depend on details of your persona; situation but I get the impression that you are steadily digging yourself deeper in the mire, which in the end will be no good for anyone.

Going through the parties involved (and making the odd assumption):

Your son obviously needs your full support and if he has learning issues then anything which may confuse him will retard his development. The more relaxed his environment the better. It will really help!

Your Fiance will be feeling some stress as will be caught in the middle and may have difficulties coping.

The school staff and professionals need to know your son's background such that they may provide the best possible help to him (otherwise they may be in the position of having to make assumptions which may be wrong).

Your Fiance's family really need to know and accept things.

And finally you need to be relaxed and confident to co-ordinate all this communication.

To me it appears that the main issue is your Fiance's mom / family. When you get them onside then things will be better for all concerned.

My appraoch would be to work closely with your Fiance to gently raise your profile with them. It is very similar with me. I don't always dress fully femme, generally having three states - Male when at work or working on the car etc (manual stuff) - femme female when out for the day, shopping etc - somewhere inbetween with female wear (usually jeans and t shirt (ie fairly unisex / androgyne) when I am visiting people who don't know of my trans side. As such there are a lot of people who see me dressed fully female but are not too stressed about it. They get used to my appearance, and then steadily to me. Because my dress is based more on task rather than social structure there is quite a bit of overlap (my mother does sometimes comment on my makeup but I am not out to her as such. She is elderly and forgetful so I don't think complex explanations would work. She just accepts me as I am, and it works).

If you could move stealthily like this then if anything did come out before you are ready it would perhaps not come as such a shock (which would provoke an ill considered indeterminate reaction).

Just a few thoughts which you have probably been thinking anyway

As in your last paragraph - It is not wrong of you - it's a loving parent but, as I have found with my son, savour the moment as time moves on. They grow up into adults to be proud of. I remember laying on my son's bed reading 'Three Billy Goats Gruff'' as if it were yesterday and wishing I could again but that was of one period in time. There will be others for you. Things to look forward to and times to remember fondly from the past. Not all good but the bad will make the good seem better!

Tracy