Regret not coming out sooner

[MissMia]

It has been a crazy year for me. I was super anxious about coming out, especially to family members. After spending so many years burying things and telling no one it was tough, but the support so far has been super positive. The road I am on is a long one and it wont all be easy but my two most important family members know and their support blows me away. Recently I have been having regrets about not doing it sooner as I had gotten close a few times in recent years. I wonder if other aspects of life would have been made easier by that. I get a bit worried about how transitioning will turn out physically too. Looking at others who have transitioned around my age or older calms such fears though.

Is it normal to have so much regret about not coming out sooner and such?

[MarcieMarie12]

I would say so. Do I have regrets not coming out sooner? Yes. Am I glad I did it now rather than never? Yes.

 

The past can't be changed, unless a time lord is involved. I have not met one yet......

[Guest]

I like to tell stories so here I go :

 

When my voice changed at 12 y/o I already knew I was trans (me being a girl, not the actual "transgender" tag). I was so traumatized by all this that my voice stayed high because of the sheer stress. Useless to say I got physically and mentally abused because of that simple "man with a girl's voice" problem. I wanted to keep that voice because ... you know... I'm a girl. lol My father finally got me to see a specialist to change my voice to have a "normal" deep voice. 

Do I regret keeping that voice now? I could regret that until that renders me crazy because the abuse resulted in a PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)

I tell all that because that situation in my life was not an easy one, kind of a catch 22. Fix the voice problem : dysphoria. Don't fix the voice problem : abuse. I kept this voice 5 years and boggled the mind of many doctors

I think that we go trough what we go trough because of a reason. I was soooooo not ready to come out at 12. I needed that hell and that abuse to have the strength I have right now. Because of that I think I know better how to react, what to avoid to be happy with my difference. 

Is it normal to have so much regrets about not coming out sooner? I'm not gonna lie, yes!

But I think we have to go past those regrets and dig deeper and find strength in what we have gone trough. Then we can use all of this to do better now, "judo" style.

[VickySGV]

I had regrets turn into an even worse category of feelings.  That category is called "Resentments" which I found were poisonous and took me to the edge of suicide as happens to many of us.  When I got rid of the resentments, I was able to go forward with my Transition, and the regrets are now memories of longing for something I could not describe at the time, but which come and go that way now that  I have taken the steps to become "Me". 

[MariPosa]

Hi MissMia

Wonderful posts to read.  

I have regrets too about not coming out.  But, I can't let them become much more then thoughts.

I think it is as normal as LIfe can be to look back and mark our progress. But, I have a habit of making mountains out of mole hills.  It's a very bad thing for me.

 I get all wrapped up in "would of, should of, could of".  I think having a support group that I can be true and honest about myself helps me avoid that.  

When it gets to much to bear I have to call someone or help someone out.  

I keep trying to focus on "just for today".  What have I done for "Mari" today?  How can I help another?  

Hugs and smiles.....

 

 

[Guest noeleena]

Hi,

I wont say I understand many who have said they have regret,s about detail in their life, plus I wont say, oh sure I know what your talking about, I don't .

my life . yes I had the normal downs and up.s  and I got through that, and as I look back 59 years  I see where i was going not in every detail of cause yet was very sure I was on the right path pot holes and little hills cold and hot long grass and wet,

Yet had I gone off that path I knew I,d be lost,  through out my life I keeped on track in most details, I knew my time would come for a very different change yet was it a change,

 from others perspective very much so. for myself not really. 22  years ago my time came and every thing was taking place people places and life, if you like my walk on that path  started to change ,

I  was seeing things that were going to happen and yes they did quite fantastic really  changes in my body changes in who I was going to meet  and people around me new friends some who were going to be very close to me  some who were going out of their way to help  that was so neat , yet my core self  was the same so from that aspect I knew there would be some lovely changes I did not expect or saw coming most were over a 7 years ,

 at that time I told Jos and said to her im not sure were we are going so I had too wait and Jos did as well some details were very hard we both had to face and then family  5 of us .

when the time came to share with others out side of family I knew the detail and never looked back or sideways, because I knew my time was right,  22 years later a lot has taken place and I know now  I have  no regret,s ,

What took place for myself was at the right time had I if you like jumped the gun nothing would have worked as it was meant to  , = Why = I would not have  been ready my body I know would not have been and Phychologically   Emotionally I knew  so not ready,

Now I can look back and say im so pleased that I have no regret.s

...noeleena...

 

 

[Charlize]

There are certainly some things i might have enjoyed if i had traditional earlier but there are also many things i would have missed.  I am the person i am because of my past decisions and experiences.  I have had some absolutely horrible experiences but also some of sublime beauty.  All the wishing in the world wouldn't change any of that nor will it change my future.  The fact is today is wonderful.

I'll be moving some hay around in the barn before going out in the dump truck to get another 50 bales to bring home and stack in the barn.  Hard "guy" work?  Nope just the stuff i do.  I can't regret the years i did the same without a bra full of scratchy hay or this time when a shower feels even better.  150 bales already stored so just under half way there.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[TexasLibraryLady]

I know it's easy to say and hard to do, but regretting something you can't change does no good. I waited until I was 40 to transition, even though I knew when I can 5 that I wanted this. It may have been nice to do this 20 years ago, but the truth is that I wouldn't be the same person I am now if I had. I probably wouldn't have met my husband, I might not live where I do, or have the same job. Maybe my transition would have been a lot harder back then. Now I have the support of family and friends, a stable job, and easily access to therapists, hormones, and other treatment.

i can't do a thing about the time I lost, but I can make the most of the time I still have.

[Guest Alicia Rose]

Many years ago, back when I was living at home with my dad I remember walking to the living room and standing behind the couch as he watched TV and made short conversation with me. The only thought running through my mind was telling him everything. 
 
Wanting nothing more than to free myself this burden and be myself. But, I didn't. This wasn't the only time I wanted to tell others, but had I told him then my life could have been different today.
 
But, this is my life and that is my story. 
 
I've never truly thought about being regretful over not coming out sooner. My mind is too busy dreaming ahead, that I just haven't had a chance to worry about my past, that never felt like my own.
 
Back then I didn't have a job, so no money. I lived in the middle of no where and was too anti-social ever go out. Coming out would have been very tough and unlike today, I now have the tools to better myself and take action.

[Guest Kaylee]

I too regret not coming out sooner. Sometimes it does border "resentment" as Vicky mentioned. 

When I was young, my father forced me into a buzz cut. I always hated it, and the moment I was old enough to choose.... I grew my hair long. It was beautiful, and allowed me just enough feminine expression. (At the time).

Growing up, I sang in the school choir. From 2nd to 8th grade. While my voiced changed in the end, I still had a really good range. However, in my persuit of "being more masculine", I tried to force my singing voice to sound more masculine, even in the higher ranges. The result... stress on my cords and a now scratchy voice.

Of coarse.... the baby face I had when I realized for the first time I really wanted to transition. Had I transitioned at age 23... things would have been much simpler. 

I don't regret for a minute though... doing it at age 40.

 

Hugs,

Kaylee

[Guest]

I wish I knew about this stuff when I was young, my life would be different.