Venting about the whys and the hows

[Guest]

Ok, so this is just for venting. It's not about this forum but my life here in the good old physical world. 

 

Seriously, i'm tired of earing people explaining why I am transgender. They are so sure of themselves. Seriously I would like people to understand that a lack of proof or serious studies DO NOT prove a point wrong, no more then it prove a point right. I'm tired of professionals acting like they know. Nobody really know, but they say they know. Of course...

I'm thinking about my gender therapists who in turn told me I was transgender because my mother nurtured me too much. (Actually she's very introvert and spent a limited amount of time with me, she is not very nurturing). And then the other one told me I was transgender because my father put too much pressure on me. He was not, I remember going to play baseball alone, no pressure at all. He was very tolerant of my efiminate nature, that I didn't care about action movies, that I was not good in sports and competitive at all. We both understood that those facts do not mean someone is a girl.

I hate people constantly repeating that gender is a social construct. I couldn't care less about feminine things, really. To me being a woman is infinitely more then wearing high heels and a dress or putting makeup on, caring about my son and my daughter or such and such. My mother was a mechanic and my sister one of the first woman infantry in Canada. I was playing ghostbusters with my friends when I was young and I had a lot of fun. lol no barbies for me, lol

That's what happen when you are aware of your identity from such a young age, you have a lot of time to get tired of cliches and being trown in a prison of labels. Seriously these days I dress as a woman because I love certain clothes I bought and i'm confortable in them and I think I look awesome, lol. But I would be dressing as a man sometimes too. But my reality is that my ex-so and my family are traumatised about me looking like a man all over again. They seriously mourn the man I faked to be and they wouldn't understand what amount to a fashion choice. I worked so hard to be recognize as a transgender woman. I don't want to throw that away now. I know from experience that If I make the mistake to go beyond the bondaries they will happily throw me back in my old prison. I hate the word detransition, it feels to me that the fact that I am a woman amount to wearing certain clothes.

And then there's the sexual angle. Surely you must be excited about the thought of being a girl? Seriously i'm asexual and feeling physically attracted to someone is a very rare thing for me. I still, to this day, have a hard time understanding those things. I know what libido is but for most of my life it was a thing I had a hard time understanding and dealing with. I found a nice happy middle ground with my ex-so before coming out. But my identity dates back to before I was even aware that those concepts existed. 

And then there's the medical avenue. Being transsexual could be a condition? Seriously I don't care about that. Soooo much doctors looked at me, I did so much tests and was told so much things that I don't believe it anymore. What I like about my Endo is he actually is the first one in 35 years that tells the truth. He don't know!! He's trying to make me feel better, he's trying to care. It's a trial and error thing. 

What a refreshing thing to ear. I have no idea why i'm a woman, I just am, that's it. he have no idea just how much of this and that to give me. He have certain parameters, certain knowledge that is necessary for me to stay healthy. That's it.

I'm at that point of my life. I'm happy someone, somewhere is stopping to try to understand why this and how that. No more tests and just good old actual care. I know it's going to rub people to wrong way but I don't care anymore about being seen as mentally ill, handicaped, having a condition or just having certain tastes (that I often don't even have btw). All I know is that he gave me HRT, it stopped a 21 y/o depression. Nothing before made a dent.

I have no problem with all those explainations really. If you believe in one in the list, if you think they have sufficient proof, good I'm really sincerely happy for you. I have a problem when people try to impose those theories on me. Deep down, it gets on my nerve. Too many years of that spent with people trying to stick those labels on my face by force, lol 

it's now been about 4-5 years since I even knew the label transgender existed. I'm happy someone made me realize other people like me existed. It's the happiest day of my life because what it means for me is hope. I had hope that it could help me feel better and you know what, it did!! Cool.

so thank you for reading, thank you because you exist and i'm no longer alone. That was in itself a very disturbing feeling.

For most of my life I actually, for real, thought I was crazy. I am a girl? lol! You're nothing and you deserve to die. 

Now I don't know if i'm crazy or not but I know i'm sure not alone. I also know there's people that will care about me and try to make me feel better in my skin.

Amen?

 

[VickySGV]

I can relate to a huge chunk of that Marie.  My overall view is that if all the rest or the world is sane and rational, I am glad I am crazy!!

[Guest]

16 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

I can relate to a huge chunk of that Marie.  My overall view is that if all the rest or the world is sane and rational, I am glad I am crazy!!

lol, yeah, crazy and proud of it. I like it

[MaryEllen]

Amen, Sista.

[Charlize]

Vent on!!!!!! The smoke signals i see are so much better than the clouds i often see.  Just being me is all i want thanks.  the labels and reasons are lovely perhaps but if they don't help then why?

Love this life of insanity.  Oddly there is peace here.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[tracy_j]

Luckily I don't come across people trying to explain much these days as I agree that they generally don't get things right and I have found it impossible to explain in such a way as they understand. As with many others, as I am often in flux, self analysis is tricky enough without trying to explain at the same time. I am generally talking about men here. I find it easy to talk through things with women. I once read somewhere a piece written by someone who said that they preferred women because they listened to what was being said, but that men seldom did. This is pretty much my experience. Women listen and, even if they do not agree, do hear, but men will listen then act as if nothing had been said, doing their own thing. A bit sterotypical I know but my experience. With men (even close friends who I have explained much to) it is a losing battle. I just tend to hope that they form some valid opinion

Meanwhile I just be me and see where it goes x

Tracy

[MarcieMarie12]

After months of asking the why am I trans question, I came to a similar conclusion. It is ultimately unimportant. What I was going to do about it was the more important issue, and how to go about it.

[Cyndee]

All the theory into explaining an existence, should not change the smile you have for the next person that passes your way, for it's how we live, it's the actions that will speak as to who you are, inter are we be...

C -

[Briana]

Hey - nice vent Soliloque.  You've got me thinkin.  I hear what your saying and tend to agree and can identify with much of it.  I also have many thoughts on it - not on what you wrote specifically, but some concepts that you touch on.

Let me start with this...  For some things, it's important to know what the root cause is so you can fix them or treat them appropriately.  Like why your Internet is always out.  LOL  Seriously, diseases like cancer.  The more we understand what causes certain cancers and how they behave, the better chance we have to cure them.  The more we understand what causes earthquakes and how they behave, the better we can build things to withstand them.  Pretty obvious, right?

Do we really need to understand & explain what causes one to be or identify as transgender?  Maybe, if we can better help those that are trans.  Understanding the causes could be important in developing pathways for successful outcomes.  Understanding helps awareness in practitioners and can lead to earlier interventions.  Having a better understanding has certainly helped with earlier & better interventions for the young people of today.   When practitioners don't understand, and/or won't make the effort to educate and update themselves, bad or poor treatment follows.  

Consider this when thinking about some of the care and counseling you've received over the years.  Physicians take the same licensing exam.  RNs take the same licensing exam.  Psychologists take the same licensing exam. etc.  But they're not equal in their practice.  It just shows that they've met a certain minimum criteria.  What they do afterwards can determine or drive how well and appropriately they treat you.  Two licensed counselors or psychologists have met the same minimum criteria to practice, but their training and treatment philosophy will greatly affect how they treat you.  One may take you down the path of "curing" your transgenderism.  You're saved!!  O_O  The other down the path of helping you understand what you want and helping you get there.  it sure can be frustrating at times.

Labels are  a tricky and a much discussed and often lamented thing in trans world.  Other related areas too for sure.  As much as they can be a "pain" and often irritating and frustrating, they can also be helpful.  They help standardize terminology and get healthcare providers all speaking the same language.  Treatment and intervention tends to be better when standardized definitions and terminology is used...and understood.

Does being transgender need to be cured, or fixed??  While some from certain religious and political bends would say yes, for me it's no.  Unfortunately, some mental health professionals from certain training & treatment philosophies would also say yes.  I disagree, It's not a disease or a disorder.  It's not a bad thing or a wrong thing.  It's just different.  We're all the same in many ways and we're all different in many ways.  I love my "different" and your "different" too.  :-)

 

[Guest]

Nice reply Briana. You're right. My vent is in the specific context of my life. It's about having enough of being the guinea pig. Ultimately, I agree, it's a good thing all the progress and experiments on us do improve things for the trans* youth. I make a point of not being "stealth" because when I was young I suffered so much just thinking I was alone. I'm thinking, if then can get some clues that i'm trans* and proud of it it's a good thing you know. But, yeah, right now I like the honesty of my Endo, it's refreshing for me. 

Things can be great on a larger level. But in the context of my life I remember being thrown around from doctors to doctors saying absolutely random things (in retrospect). I was trying to impose myself, my identity but the truth is it was seen as an illness to be cured. You know, "he" has a girl's voice, he got to learn how to speak like a man.  Nobody knew what "transgender" was. So it's not bad intentions. It's just the lack of the basic humility to say at the end of the exams : "hey, I don't know". Then the psychologist doing the same thing later.

 

Anyway, right now, if someone is trying to pretend he knows why or how I am like I am the good old wise monkey that I am just nod and thinking : BS. lol