the external pressure to see transition results

[Guest]

I've heard often about trans* people warning others in the community that transition is no magic and doesn't fix all your problems, etc etc. And that's so very true, in fact it might create more then it fix depending on how much dysphoria you have, just how well you are accepted, etc, etc

 

the subject I want to discuss in this thread is the external pressure. I had a big conversation with those near me (family, ex-so) about the results of my transition. My father has doubts about the real "return on investment" for my transition. He says that although I smile more and that I look more happy often I look very depressed. 

I'm very lucky that everybody accepts me this well. But, transition come with an expectation from others. They expect I will now be perfectly happy. They expect I will emancipate and honestly in a corner of my mind I suspect they expect that I will like what they like a little more (sports, gardening instead of programmation and computers). They also expect I will go out and meet other people. They expect I will open to others more, they expect that my mental illness will cure and I will be able to go beyond that. 

I feel pressure to improve and succeed. I also feel the pressure to show how much of a good thing transition is for other trans*.

 

But the reality that I am very very aware of is that PTSD is a very hard thing to live with. That will probably never "cure". I have learned to live with it but I still have much to learn.

I'm far more happy then before. I'm often happy and when I live sad things I bounce back far far far more easily. Before I depended on others for happyness and everything was only downward spiral (depression and suicidal thoughts). But right now i'm going trough seperation and divorce and I have complications from my surgery (not a big deal) but it's still hurts sometimes.

I'm in a far better place. I try to catch all the oportunities I have. I no longer have depression and if i'm sad one day i'm now able to be very happy the next, something I was not able to acheive with dysphoria.

But the external pressure is something that I have to live with and learn to ignore. 

 

I'm I the only one that is going trough that?

I'm curious to ear about other stories

[VickySGV]

You have hit on a VITAL point for people that have gone as far as you and I have, in the sense that we did the "unthinkable" in having had GCS.  You are so so so right that it is not the Magic Bullet, and you are just as right in saying it will cause its own deep problems.  I am  not talking of surgical regret, or of Transition regret, but of things that "survived" in our lives from before Transition and Surgery that we buried or cached away as we occupied our minds with only those two things. Those items that still lived outside of our field of vision came back in just as strongly as they had been and strengthened by the time they were left alone. 

What we now have though is a cleaner pathway ahead of us to deal with them, we have controlled the GD to a great extent, and for a while at least give the remaining small rags of it their time off to  our sides.  I have not been identified specifically as PTSD, but I do have times when old feelings of low self esteem and lack of any true worth to people in my life come back and park in my life.  They are not as self destructive as they were before Transition / GCS, but they are still very heavy and uncomfortable.  I too have people around me that have the idea that what I did was a "cure" for all my ills.  I know that upset them with what I did, and they think the payback should be many things that are just not going to happen.  It is some of that attitude that IS the load that I am having to deal with again.  What I did surely did not cure the others of their ways of treating my life.  A good example is that I am expected to help them at a moments notice, but if I need their help, it is "no not I said the Little Red Hen".  I am happier about doing things for people to be sure, but sadder when it only goes one way.

[tracy_j]

I obviously cannot really comment as far as not having had surgery etc. but in general would agree.

These days I am somewhat happier and more at peace with the world and people have noticed and commented to that affect. From the other side of things though, I do notice people have an expectation of how things will go with me. These have ranged wildly from my behaviour being a fad to when am I going to fully transition. It does make things a little unstable at times, but as time goes on people who are close to me do seem to become less unsettled and accept me as I am.

It is, I think, a fact that people always have great expectations. From the other side of things, when we go through a major traumatic experience (of which SRS is just one) we are proud of that progress and expect people to feel the same. One thing to realise is that they have not been through things the same way. They will not feel or view things the same. Many, unless really close, will not feel the emotion and even if they do it will be different. The emotionally detached will be more objective and seem uncaring.

For me, one reason why I would be wary of surgery is that I understand much of what you are saying, and that it may well not make a major change in the ways which I would wish it. That is also why I am wary of use of hormones as I have, by and large, managed to control my dysphoria via lifestyle change. I am, and always have been, very anti drug / body surgery and as such do not like piercing, tattoos or even dental surgery unless absolutely necessary so any move in this direction would be life changing (even though it is  ).

I can see that is why close discussion with a gender therapist is really essential for anyone in transition as seperation of interacting issues is required. In any situation it is likely that gender dysphoria is only part of any issue, but alleviation of that can change ones general state of health such that the other issues can be more easily sorted.

I can also see that it is a case of, now we have gender and body sorted, let's get our life in order (and that is often hard work for anyone).

Tracy

 

[MarcieMarie12]

To me all GCS will do is remove the dysphoria I have down there. It is not going to make my life any easier beyond that. Samething with my transition, I still have normal life problems to deal with (Bills, relationships, work, etc, etc). 

What I gained is peace within myself, and am no longer lying to myself or others as to who I am.

[Guest Kaylee]

Totally not alone.

 

As a basic history, I knew I wanted to transition at 20, then spent another 20 years in and out of depression, simply wishing by some magic to wake up female. In my mind, I thought about having to explain to family, friends and work... and it was worth that conversation every time.

However, in all those years, I never really contemplated the struggles of a real transition until I decided that's what I was going to do. I spoke about it with my therapist, and while I knew it wasn't going to be magic, and knew it wasn't going to be over night, I still wasn't able to prepare for things that would get stired up once on HRT.

Since starting, more and more memories have surfaced... good and bad. They are more pieces to the puzzle, and for me confirm that I am making the right choice. That doesn't mean it's all rainbows and Unicorn Farts though. A simple photo of me prior to when the teasing began. I see the little girl, and I feel like I betrayed her. That realization messed me up for more than a week. For years, I've missed in my mind the growing up female experiences. Not only did I not get to be a silly girl who cut loose, I built up mental blocks to keep me from coming close. I'd gladly go back and experience the difficulty my first period, to be able to give birth and nurse my child. When I was young, I never really wanted kids, but for some reason since HRT, I think about that a lot. And every day, it's a struggle emotionally to have to remove "breast forms" because after 2 years HRT, I've had almost no development and can't afford implants.

Beyond that, all the usual stress in life. I had a moment yesterday in between dreams where all the stress was gone for a few moments. It's been rough family wise since before  I started transition. I'd forgotten what it felt like.

But, you are not alone. Everything doesn't magically get better, but at least I am happier on this path than ever in the previous 2 decades, and as long as you are... that's all that matters

[Briana]

Good discussion topic!  I've always found it interesting the expectations others have of us based on something we do...like transition.  What's sometimes more interesting, and confounding, are the unspoken expectations they have.  And those are generally followed by frustration on their end that things didn't change they way THEY thought they would/should.  It's like the boss expecting an employee to do "x" but never saying it out loud - never expressing it to them, and then getting frustrated when it's not done.

Family and friends can have a lot of expectations of us - both said and unsaid.  They see us go through all this transition stuff making significant major changes to ourselves and usually in the end, they expect us to be all better...our issues resolved.  Cured!  They forget that even though we are now different physically and sometimes emotionally - we're still us.  We're still essentially the same person we were before, just in the correct version.  Other issues don't go away.  Many things that were there pre-transition are still there.  Day to day life and all it's stresses and joys is still there. We are still there... 

Trying to see it from there perspective and in the light of general normal human behavior, I do understand where they are sometimes coming from.  We're all human and we all have hopes and dreams and we want those that we love & care about to be happy & healthy.  Family and friends that love us, that truly care about us, see our struggles before we start on this journey as well as during the journey.  In the end, for all that we've gone through, and for all THEY'VE gone through, they just want us to be better - to be happy and whole and "normal".   They want us to fit their expectation and perception of how we should now be.   Oh, and to take out the garbage and do the laundry and your fair share of housecleaning now.  ;-)  

A lot of discussion occurs before and during one's transition.  It also needs to continue post transition. 

[Guest LesleyAnne]

BTW, PTSD can come from any traumatic event....not just the the trauma of being in war. PTSD can come from everything from a car wreck, bullying, well you get the idea. If it was traumatic to you then it would be considered PTSD from mild to severe. I found thru therapy that my first event was when I was 5 or 6 yrs. old, and for me it was major, then the second was losing my best friend in combat together. Mix all of that with GD, and depression, and you have what my doctor at the VA tells me is a very dangerous cocktail. 

I've been thru a partial fix to my gender dysphoria by having a bilateral orchi, plus I'm on HRT; However I still want to go further. I wear a necklace and a bracelet that have the semi-colon on it that reads "My story isn't over yet". 

My doctor is helping me to unravel all of this piece by piece, and very carefully. One correction, and one solution at a time. They are all intertwined, so I've been told that my depression isn't always from just one of those things. 

My family realizes now that by me transitioning, and at my own pace, is not a cure for a very complex set of issues. 

They are learning(or at least those in my family that have faced this with me) not to pressure me, and they are(mostly my wife) patiently working thru this with me. 

The pressure I get from others in my family is......'finish this already', and from others in the family it's either ignore the whole thing, or to pressure me to go back to my old self (they say they can deal with that!).

I wish to say though that I could not do this without help. My doctors at the VA (GD, and Psych for PTSD) have literally helped me embrace that semi-colon. My story isn't over yet! 

[Guest]

14 minutes ago, LesleyAnne said:

BTW, PTSD can come from any traumatic event....not just the the trauma of being in war. PTSD can come from everything from a car wreck, bullying, well you get the idea. If it was traumatic to you then it would be considered PTSD from mild to severe. I found thru therapy that my first event was when I was 5 or 6 yrs. old, and for me it was major, then the second was losing my best friend in combat together. Mix all of that with GD, and depression, and you have what my doctor at the VA tells me is a very dangerous cocktail. 

for me it was 5 years of physical and mental abuse because I was different (wearing a purse, had a girl's voice, etc etc) The worst I think in retrospect is being imprisoned somewhere and being victim of very violent things, it can lead to trauma and to PTSD.

Anyway, back to topic, I feel there's a big expectation that transition will fix this... lol

BTW, I know it will not. I must put emphasis on that because I don't want anyone to think I hope transition will fix anything like that, lol

this expectation could be dangerous in another context, that's kind of why I wanted to talk about that. What if a trans* let others expectation dictate his? it could be very dangerous

[VickySGV]

Others' expectations have already lead many of us to the thought of suicide BEFORE our transitions, they got us once, they got us again on the other side of it.  Same circus, different monkeys!!

[Briana]

Well Vicky, we just need to step back and get out of the circus business. 

[Guest noeleena]

Hi.

In a sense this to me would be like having to perform  , music is my detail so I,ll use that.

On stage ,at concerts on parade Military and other engagements  yes I understand what its like and you have to be good or you wont be there in front of 1000,s of people and high ranking personal.

Am I perfect... no... am I good,   well doing what I do  drum core detail plus other detail,

 I have to know what im about,   practice  some times goes wrong very aware of that yet on the day it has to be right.

Im a female and don't have every thing right I have flaw,s   get it wrong , can I stand the scrutiny and being looked at,   at one space away or closer , yes I have doubts about how I look and embarrassed because im not feminine enough or look female enough , pressure more so disappointed in myself  and yes as a  person and as a woman . I will add  had I been male 100 % would make little difference to me  ,

I look at what I,v been through to just get to where I am now ....was it ???    just by myself  ...NO... I had others around me to step in when ...NEEDED...and I sure needed them big time ,

Yes on stage and other detail I do perform that's why im there.

Do I perform as a female maybe ....though I don't see it in that way. I live as a woman because  I  am  a female  . and that helps me see who I am in another way,  being in front of large groups is scary  and that's where I ?   myself  do they accept who I am as a person and 2 nd as a female ,  I  will say ...YES... and that has made so much difference .

You know we all have disadvantages  yet we do have advantages , it,s how we use  what we have with in us that will make or break us, and how we become strong in our selfs .

Make no mistake I,v been very close to the wire  . and yes it had the power full  on .one touch and it,s   all  over,

I,m still here and I,ll  continue  on .

 

...noeleena...

[Charlize]

I don't think my family had any expectations prior to my transition because i was pretty good at hiding, lying and otherwise masking my feelings both from myself and the world.  I am unable to have GCS simply because of other heath concerns but have had an orchiectomy.  My family has accepted that but doesn't seem to have any expectations for happiness.

When i went to AA and started to work on sobriety they were hopeful but since both my wife and son had worked in the addiction recovery field they could only do what i had to do and pray that i would be given the gift of sobriety.  That battle with addiction has been more of a life changer than my transition.  The honesty and help i found there allowed me to accept myself and this journey as part of that self.  

Life goes on and while living as myself has given me a peace with myself i have to understand and accept that each day is different and continue with the knowledge of change.  I'm a sober trans* person today.  Tomorrow will come.  

Peace will come from inside me.  I need to care for my loved ones but their expectations cannot be what moves me.  Their love and concern didn't get me sober.  I reached out and got help else where.  The help came from those who had found sobriety.  My families concerns didn't get me to transition.  Again i reached out.  Help came from here, from other friends and from a GT.  

Life gives me a range of problems and joys to travel with.  What a blessing that i'm here at all.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Briana]

6 hours ago, Charlize said:

What a blessing that i'm here at all.

So well said!  Just think of this when the problems (challenges?) start come at you fast and furious...."What a blessing that I'm here at all."

[Guest Clair Dufour]

The Ricky Nelson song "Garden Party" .." But it's all right now, I've learned my lesson well
You see, you can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself " sez it well. We can change a lot of things but, who we are as a person still shows thru and that is what some people pickup on and comment on. Last week, I met a transwoman who stands five foot tall and passes 100%. Something many of us often  say. if only I was shorter. But, still some can still read or sense the difference. The problem is, that some people, if they can't  compliment, just can't keep their mouth shut.