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A bit complicated


Kara

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I remember even at a young age I was at least strongly curious about being a girl and puberty made me quite miserable as my body essentially mutated before my eyes, I even refused to shave for a while in denial of that I was changing and believing this horror would just go away...it didn't. All that is the simple part sadly. I was rarely seen as feminine as a child, not so much because I acted like a boy but because I was always very aggressive and competitive, ironically traits I strongly associated with women thanks to many anime and the likes of Xena the warrior princess. The real hell came from my family, a father that was a probable psychopath in how he played with our needs to make us dependent on him (had his strong good points and helped strongly in life too, so mixed feelings on him) and what can only described as a monster in my "mother" that physically and psychologically tortured me and my brother for much of our lives (think reverse psychology, mind games, lies, force, tricks, and every manipulation tactic in the book to make you doubt everything about yourself and at least twice even tried to kill me), making incredible amounts of anxiety, fear and stress at virtually all times and an instinctual distrust of other people. As a result of my past I usually take the safer options and only act when I'm virtually certain I am right (making the uncertainty of wanting to transition especially hard to fully accept for me) plus let's just say I'm pretty bad off in terms of poverty. To top it off though I think there's a super strong chance I am trans at the same time I don't even feel like I deserve to let myself try living freely like that as much as I want to do it and I partly am so overloaded with my life of problems I can't say it's the highest priority problem (it is tied with the other big ones at the top though, it is just not my sole defining problem which adds to my confusion even further as I try to justify it would be if I was really trans, and should be considered seriously to at least try, which I am trying to do now). I can't even really say I'll be too emotional if I get friendly responses as I'm pretty sure I've had major depression so long I forgot a time before muted positive feelings and strong negative ones. I apologize if I shared too much or was depressing/creepy or something, my social interaction skills aren't the best. I will continue to try my best to grow and move forward into my dreams so don't think I've just quit, that is something I don't think I have in me, even if the negative has been a nigh constant.

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Kara,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles with your parrents growing up. My dad was a really great guy, but my mom was Dr. Jeckle and Mrs. Hyde when I was little. She was great as long as there was someone else in the house besides just her and I. But when we were the only ones, she would hurt me. Despite my crying and screeming, she would keep hurting me until I finally managed to break away from her and run into my bedroom and hide. It was very confusing to me, I thought she loved me, but she did this. I don't know what happened between you and your mom, it sounds like it may have been tougher, but we both have to try and remember that the problem was not ours. It was our parrents who had a problem. Whatever will make us happy in life, we are worth it. My life lessons early in life told me I am not, and I still struggle with feelings of not being woth it. But those feelings are lies in our heads. It's easy to talk about overcoming these feelings, but not so easy doing it. We try a little each day. You tried a little today by talking about it. I've never dealt with what happened with my mom before, never told anybody, never shined the light of day on it. You helped me to do that here. A friend of mine has a saying, "We're only as sick as our secrets". Now my secret's out where I can deal with it. You are worth it, whatever will make you happy!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

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  • Forum Moderator

Hi Kara

Welcome to Laura's.

I am sorry to hear about your early life. Obviously it is not something that you can change, but you can move forward and work toward a better future. Please feel free to read, join in and post here. People are friendly and there are others who have had similar early life.

It is good that you have opened out. Putting things down has likely relieved things quite a bit as they are far less bottled up in your private thoughts. You do not mention whether you are getting any kind of professional support for your thoughts / depression. A therapist would be helpful. For someone who may be trans a gender therapist would be the person to see for trans issues as they would help you determine where you sit on the gender spectrum. Maybe in the first instance see your doctor and discuss things with him as he would cover general health etc as well as a precursor to a therapist. You can get things in order and feel much better. It may take a while but you will get there. It just takes a little planning and determination. I know from experience that the depression won't help but make a plan (with help if you need it) and keep going forward.

Tracy

 

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Welcome to Laura's dear.  This site helped me a great deal.  I began to be open about my issues here and found that i was not alone.  Others understood and while their lives were different in many ways it seemed we also shared many feelings and experiences.  Accepting that i might have gender issues i needed to deal with was a big step forward.  As i read about the experiences of others and shared about my own i was able to find peace with myself.  I also found i needed to get therapy to help me with my issues.

Most of all try to enjoy today.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Hi Kara and welcome to Laura's.  As you can see from the replies above, you're not alone and you're also very welcome here.  There are a wide range of life experiences here and I've seen nothing but help and support from members on the forums. 

Tracy mentioned writing things down.  Doing that is one of many ways to help focus your thoughts and get you moving forward.  Keeping a "journal" or notebook might feel odd at first, but I think you'll find that it can really help you get a clearer picture of what's going on.  Sharing what you write with a therapist can help them get some insight so they can better help you figure out what's priority and where issues are. 

You mentioned being in a rather tight financial situation.  We all realize that it can make getting professional help difficult, but it's not impossible.  You're in Brooklyn and there are some pretty good LGBT resource centers in your area that you can check out to get started. 

Don't hesitate to ask questions and as Charlize mentioned, it can be helpful to read through various forums for information and perhaps some insight into yourself.  Anyway...welcome!

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Welcome to Laura's, sorry to hear that your parents were troubled and took it on you. As others have said, ask any questions you may have. 

 

Hugs,

Marcie

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13 hours ago, Timber Wolf said:

Hi Kara,

 

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles with your parrents growing up. My dad was a really great guy, but my mom was Dr. Jeckle and Mrs. Hyde when I was little. She was great as long as there was someone else in the house besides just her and I. But when we were the only ones, she would hurt me. Despite my crying and screeming, she would keep hurting me until I finally managed to break away from her and run into my bedroom and hide. It was very confusing to me, I thought she loved me, but she did this. I don't know what happened between you and your mom, it sounds like it may have been tougher, but we both have to try and remember that the problem was not ours. It was our parrents who had a problem. Whatever will make us happy in life, we are worth it. My life lessons early in life told me I am not, and I still struggle with feelings of not being woth it. But those feelings are lies in our heads. It's easy to talk about overcoming these feelings, but not so easy doing it. We try a little each day. You tried a little today by talking about it. I've never dealt with what happened with my mom before, never told anybody, never shined the light of day on it. You helped me to do that here. A friend of mine has a saying, "We're only as sick as our secrets". Now my secret's out where I can deal with it. You are worth it, whatever will make you happy!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

I am very touched I could help you free yourself, if only just a little. Always know you have someone who understands and accepts those parts of you you're ashamed by in me. Never forget that you surviving that means you are strong and that as long as you can say you gained anything good out of that bad situation (even if it is just more understanding or a broader perspective) you are a winner in a very real way, at least that is the thought I use for motivation in my own life and hopefully that helps you too in some way.

 

Thank you all for being supportive, I half thought you'd think I was a freak or something and I'd have to just not post in shame (self-esteem isn't one of my present strengths as you can see). It means a lot that you'd be accepting of broken goods like me and I hope I can make good contributions here at some point.

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  • 5 months later...

Remember, if it was easy, everyone would be happy tondo it. That being said, life is never simple, and that's not your fault. It's NUS how life is. Complicated.

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