What exactly qualifies as "Coming Out" ?

[Lisagirl]

I don't know if I've come out yet. Does one have to come out about being a cross dresser or only if your gay? And do you actually have to walk up to a family member or close friend and tell them? Or being caught dressed or just driving around, walking in public constitutes Coming out?

Edited September 27, 2016 by CyndiRae
Fixed typo in title - Cyndi

[Carolyn Marie]

People can have different definitions of "coming out," but I think most would agree that it involves voluntarily telling someone  about yourself.  Getting caught doing something, or just going out dressed en femme, would not usually be considered coming out.

Carolyn Marie

[VickySGV]

Being "caught"  and "outed" to people who you were not ready to have know about it can actually be pretty terrible.  You will be out, but not under your own control.  It really hurts.  I know that from experience.

I generally consider "Coming Out" to be a process that begins with telling, by voice or letter, trusted friends and family members who are important in your life.  These are people you know and care about.  Just going out in public where you are not known to non-trans people as Trans*.  I do include "coming out" to Trans* folks at clubs or support group meetings, and especially to your Behavioral Health team (therapists) in the scope of real coming out. 

 

[Alejandra]

If you are a cross dresser or gay, why would you want to "come out".  What I mean is to what end?

3 hours ago, Carolyn Marie said:

Getting caught doing something, or just going out dressed en femme, would not usually be considered coming out.

I have to agree with Carolyn here.  However, being "caught" in a compromising situation will generally lead to "coming out" to some extent. I think this is the whole reason to come out to those that matter so that you will have some control over just how such information becomes public knowledge.

[Alejandra]

I should add that you should think long and hard as to why and how, you come out and to whom.  Sharing this information with others can, and in most circumstances will, change how people with interact with you in your future.

[Charlize]

It is perhaps most important that you ask yourself "why".  If one is ok with dressing in private or going to another town then why tell others as it will definitely change their attitude towards you in this society.  Only you  can answer that question.  If it seems important it may be helpful to talk to a gender therapist before coming out.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[tracy_j]

An interesting topic, this one, to me anyway. I have no immediate plans for change of my legal identity so, in many ways, coming out as in 'coming out to all' is not as relevant to me as it would be to someone who is.

I regard 'coming out' as to explaining or discussing my change with someone. Just behaving or dressing female is not really 'coming out' as far as I feel. I say that because with dressing epecially, I can appear as male or really feminine female or any shade inbetween so I have no definite state.

That said, I would agree with Charlize - why? It has been my experience with the few (and there have been really few - fingers of one hand few) who I have actually come out to that people do not really understand and will still make assumptions, almost like they have not been listening at all. Things have worked far better with me, taking that my change is very gradual, by not saying anything. Just being as honest as possible if anyone asks questions. Let them take the lead a little. That way things grow with them. I am growing into a woman both in dress and action so my behaviour is 'as one growing up -gradual'. They don't have to cope with a sudden rush of things they don't understand. I know it won't be a solution for many but with me it seems to work and be the best way.

Tracy

[Guest AshleighP]

Excellent question to which I feel there is truly no definitive answer for all.

 I totally agree that if you do decide to tell people about your desire to dress, you must choose both the person and the time carefully. The best advice I saw given was to ask why you feel the need to tell someone. It will definitely change the relationship. I have told my wife and I have told a few other people, all carefully chosen. Most of the world doesn't understand the need to dress. I'm not sure I fully understand it myself. If you do decide to "come out", be prepared for lots of questions.

[Guest Kenna Dixon]

Maybe this is too simplistic an answer, but I think the urge to "come out" is a matter of wanting to be validated as the person you know yourself to be.

Someone who crossdresses simply for pleasure, I would guess, would be less driven to tell someone than an individual whose crossdressing is a manifestation of the transgender condition.

"What you do" needs no validation.  "Who you are" is a different story.

[Briana]

1 hour ago, Kenna Dixon said:

"What you do" needs no validation.  "Who you are" is a different story.

Wow Kenna, that statement really resonates with me.