Acceptance And Or Tolerance

[Guest Zenda]

Kia Ora,

The other day my daughter came to visit[she's at university in another city] anyway On the way back to the ferry we called into a friend of mine to pick up a book I had lent her "Dress Codes", my daughter wanted to read it...Well while we were having a cup of tea my friend[who happens to be a psychotherapist] asked both my daughter and myself "Out of 10[10 being excellent] how would you say your relationship was with each other?" I said 10 out of 10 and so did my daughter-I didn't have to stop and think about it, it was true I've always had a good relationship with all my children-my oldest boy even came to visit me in hospital when I had just had my surgery-he also was my support person,when I had to fly back to see the surgeons for follow up surgery ...Over time they have all come to fully accept me-At first it was 'tolerance' then it blossomed into acceptance...I count myself really fortunate for this to have happened...

If you have children, what's your relationship like with them...Do they tolerate or accept you? Or do they find your gender identity difficult to come to term with?

Metta Jendar

[Guest DanM]

I tried starting my transition back when I was 14 yrs old, yes it has been a long process. Well to make a long story short, I was raped and beaten and ended up pregnant. When my son was about 4 he came to me and asked me why I just didn't go ahead and be his Dad. Well I was blown away by this. So we talked about why he would sugjest this and he said cause you are just like a dad, you play ball and trucks and hot wheels with me, all the boy things. Well he knew alot more about what I was feeling and thinking than I gave him credit for at his age. Today we are best friends, he has always been my biggest supporter in my travels thru this journey. And if asked he will just say I want my Dad to be happy, amd the man that he is. How much better can I get with my relationship with my son? Its as good as it gets

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Kia Ora Metta,

Once again, you come up with the most poignant questions! For me, right now, it is a mixture of tolerance and acceptance. My eldest daughter clearly accepts me. She told me something that still brings tears to my eyes, after I had come out to her, she said... "Dad, I knew for a long time that you were lost and in pain... I can see that you are not lost anymore... I love you". My younger children... well.. give it time.

It does not get any better than that!

LOL

bernii

[Guest leo]

DanM i am sorry for what happened to you, that is the most terrible things that could happen

your son is very accepting and i wish you all the best

i have no children

[Guest julia_d]

I'm not sure now.. My daughter turned 19 yesterday and 8 years ago when our paths last crossed she didn't seem to have any problems with who I am. As there is no contact at all now I can't even begin to guess what she thinks.. if she even thinks about me at all.

[Guest Zenda]

I tried starting my transition back when I was 14 yrs old, yes it has been a long process. Well to make a long story short, I was raped and beaten and ended up pregnant. When my son was about 4 he came to me and asked me why I just didn't go ahead and be his Dad. Well I was blown away by this. So we talked about why he would sugjest this and he said cause you are just like a dad, you play ball and trucks and hot wheels with me, all the boy things. Well he knew alot more about what I was feeling and thinking than I gave him credit for at his age. Today we are best friends, he has always been my biggest supporter in my travels thru this journey. And if asked he will just say I want my Dad to be happy, amd the man that he is. How much better can I get with my relationship with my son? Its as good as it gets

Kia Ora Dan[one of my boy's names],

What's done is done-I'm glad you have overcome-[let go of the past] and are looking forward to the future-no doubt your son's love has given you this strength...You are really fortunate to have such a loving and understanding son...

Whilst at university my eldest boy had a flat mate whose step father also transitioned, so he had someone with whom to confide in...My second oldest whilst studying physical education did a psycholgy paper which covered gender dysphoria-after which he told me he could relate more to what I had been through...My daughter is studying psychology and is also familar with gender dysphoria...My youngest 16, accepts me but has far as I know has not done any real research into the condition...

In private all my children still call me 'dad', regardless of how I've changed physically, in their eyes I will always be their father...I'm totally confortable with this, however when out in public they use my female name...

Julia,

I'm sorry to hear that you have lost contact with your daughter-there always the possiblility of a reunion some time in the future-Her curiosity could lead her to seek you out...

Bernii,

I'm glad to hear that there's still communication between you and your children and what your daughter said must have been sweet music to your ears-I'm always telling my children how much I love them and they do the same - Just knowing the unconditional love we share, enriches my day no end...

I'm also thankful to my ex for her understanding and support especially when they were young-in fact, she has always encouraged them to interact with me...We are not what you would call friends, but we are not enemies-we share in the welfare and love of our children...

Leo,

Would you like to have children some day?

Metta Jendar

[Guest julia_d]

I'm sorry to hear that you have lost contact with your daughter-there always the possiblility of a reunion some time in the future-Her curiosity could lead her to seek you out...

That will be more than a little hard.. i have moved towns and changed my name since the last time we had any contact... and in the next year I will be married and off to the other side of the world..

She is just another part of my old life.. the one with families and marriages and mortgages and friends (not) which I left behind as a necessary part of transition.

I don't feel sad.. children go in the same book as parents with me... just other people.

[Guest Laura1977]

Julia, that is still sad. My children mean the world to me. They do not know about the Gender Dysphoria per se, but sometimes they will say something that makes me stop and look and go , "hmm." Mainly, it's my youngest, Layla, commenting on my penchant for hair things. "Daddy, isn't that a girl's hair clippy thing? Did you borrow it from Alesha?" "No, Layla, it's mine. I bought it." (Thoughtful frown)

[Guest julia_d]

I suppose that's great when it happens.. but my marriage was doomed from day 1 and just became worse until it wasn't fair on anybody us trying to stay together. Since my daughter was 3 I can count the number of times we had any sort of contact on the fingers of one hand...

It happens and there isn't much point feeling sad about it... There was really nothing this "freak" could do about it. My ex wife made pretty sure of that.

[Guest van-na]

Hi Metta Jendar,

<<<hug>>>

Some times I don't really know.

My boy is 15 now and my girl is 14. I wanted them to understand, so I wrote everything I could think of that I felt was relevant in to my Dairy. I wrote the Dairy not for me , but for my kids. Two years ago I told them about my self and they seemed to understand, and accept it. But as of late they ignore me and my daughter gives me the guilt trip now. I often wonder if it is because they are tired of my girlishness , or if it is just because they are teenagers now an they would be acting the way that they are anyway. Part of me feels that they will never truly accept me, and that makes me fell so very sad , I cry a lot over it. I will always love them no matter how they treat me. I can only pray that someday they will truly understand what I have gone through over all this. I hope that they never have to go through it themselves. I wish I didn't have to myself , but it is my lot in life.

Thanks for the question.

I think I'm going to go cry now.

with love from, vanna

[Guest Zenda]

Hi Metta Jendar,

<<<hug>>>

Some times I don't really know.

My boy is 15 now and my girl is 14. I wanted them to understand, so I wrote everything I could think of that I felt was relevant in to my Dairy. I wrote the Dairy not for me , but for my kids. Two years ago I told them about my self and they seemed to understand, and accept it. But as of late they ignore me and my daughter gives me the guilt trip now. I often wonder if it is because they are tired of my girlishness , or if it is just because they are teenagers now an they would be acting the way that they are anyway. Part of me feels that they will never truly accept me, and that makes me fell so very sad , I cry a lot over it. I will always love them no matter how they treat me. I can only pray that someday they will truly understand what I have gone through over all this. I hope that they never have to go through it themselves. I wish I didn't have to myself , but it is my lot in life.

Thanks for the question.

I think I'm going to go cry now.

with love from, vanna

Kia Ora Vanna,

Teenagers, especially males[with all the male bonding peer pressure] can have a hard time coming to terms with such a drastic change to their lives, and like your daughter's reactions, I've heard from other transwomen that they experienced similar to what you are going through with their daughters-

It's said that 'time' heals all wounds and in time as your children mature they should grow to understand more of what you are going/have gone through...I think my youngest boy is the one whose had the hardest time with my transition-he missed out on things that I did as a father with the others[he had just turned five when I started to transition - around ten years ago]...

I've never pressured my children into opening up to me, but I made sure that they knew I was open to answer any questions that they might have had...In time they opened up and started to ask questions which I answered honestly and openly...

Think about this Vanna- Your children would sooner have a 'live' happy trans-parent that a 'dead' or very unhappy father...

Metta Jendar

BTW Metta=loving kindness in the Pali language, I end my post with 'Metta'-Jendar's my forum name...