Sadness...

[Guest Konnor]

Well, the last time I posted a topic on here I was doing great. To recap, for the past 7 months I've been dating Andrew, a bio-male who ID'd as gay before we met. I met him as Konnor and we dated like that for about a month. Then I told him about myself and he said he couldn't date me because he was gay. So we broke up for a month but stayed best friends. Then right before he left for boot camp for the Navy, he came and spent a weekend with me at college and we got back together. We've been together since then and honestly it's been great. We got along wonderfully, basically the only thing we fought about was being apart because he has been in Illinois the whole time. Since boot camp, we've seen each other once or twice a month though, and we spent a week together for Thanksgiving and 3 weeks together over Christmas and New Years. We talked often about our future together, how we were going to get married and have kids and spend forever together. He was planning on coming to my sister's wedding in June and he was going on vacation with him in July. He even had a seperate bank account and had part of his paycheck deposited towards an engagement ring and our future home. I thought everything was great...

Fast forward to last Saturday. I talked to him that night at about midnight, he had been out with his buddies. He normally doesn't drink much, but he had just found out that his best friend was getting stationed elsewhere. He was leaving soon so they went out drinking. Andrew said he had too much so he was going to bed and called just to say goodnight. I didn't hear from him until Tuesday, when he texted me to say he was fine and he would call me that night. So he texts me that night and tells me all of this in a text: he had started vomiting blood once we got off the phone Saturday night. He went to the hosipital and they found 3 ulcers. They made him talk to a chaplain and a psychologist to figure out what was stressing him out so bad. He decided it was me...he was always worrying about getting stationed closer to me, trying to get home for holidays, worrying about going out with his friends because he didn't want me to get mad, and always trying to figure out what was wrong with me. So he decided that he couldn't juggle me, his family/friends, and being in the Navy. Once he texted me, I called him. He basically repeated what he said in the text and said there was nothing I could change to fix it, and there was no other options besides breaking up. You should have heard him...he sounded so different. So cold. When we were done talking, I said I love you, and he said "I love you too, but I can't do this." He then told me that I could do whatever with his stuff that was at my house and deleted me from his myspace. His mood on myspace was animated and his headline said "Sometimes you just gotta be free!!" When I asked him to promise me that he would talk to me eventually, he said "we'll see."

I'm at a complete loss. I thought I knew him so well. I was positive he was the one, my soulmate. And he always said he felt the same way... He was my life and my world. I feel worse than I've ever felt before and I just don't know what to do. I don't want to whine, but I just needed to vent. I've been to my therapist to talk about it and that helped some, but it didn't help the hurt. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get over him? I know it's stupid, but I keep hoping he'll come back like he did the first time...but I know I'm never going to hear from him again. I just know it. I dunno, I guess I just need some love from y'all right now. I'm feeling pretty crappy. Thanks if you read all of this, I really appreciate it.

--Konnor

[Guest Konnor]

I also forgot to add the part about all the trans stuff... When I was with Andrew, I felt okay with being a girl. I wanted to be his wife and the mommy to his kids. He accepted me exactly as I was, dressing male, passing, short hair, and everything. He was okay with it and was attracted to me no matter what. Without him, I'm back to the "not knowing" state. I don't feel like a girl or like a guy really. I'm sure I'm being confusing so I'll just stop. Thanks for reading.

--Konnor

[Guest Little Sara]

I don't have any solution, but I sympathize. *hugs*

[Guest MrAwesome]

I've never had a relationship. However, Everything heals with time... Cry about it, listen to sad music, Every rose has its thorn! lol, mope around a few days, Get all the hurt out, talk about it with a few more people. God cut a branch, but only so you can be more fruitful! XD (Don't ask, I'm not a christian, I go to church for the philosophical part.) But basically, things were going good, but it can always get better. I'm sure that it's hard now, but something better's going to come along... I promise *huggles tightly*

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dear Konnor,

Listen to me very carefully!! Ulcers are not caused by stress!! They are caused by bacteria! You are NOT the cause of his ulcers!! Never believe that for a microsecond!! Don't let anyone tell you that the stress of being with you is making him sick. You are not the stress factor anyway!! It sounds like your boyfriend has found somebody else, sorry dear to break it to you this way, but I have been there so many times. One day all is good and they love you!! Next, they are cold and give you lame excuses like they are sick and you are the cause of it... bull hockey. Men... ugh... you have no idea, how many times I have heard this same lame excuse!!

Move on my dear... Someone better is waiting for you!!

bernii

[Guest DanM]

Konner,

Rejection is one of the hardest thigs to overcome, because we think if someone we thought we knew very well would eventually leave us, then everyone will. Time is the only real remedy. I f you could just forget about him in a short time then you didnt really love him, but the fact it is taking you time to do so means you have a heart and you know how to love. It is too hard to find unconditional love these days, and when we do we hang on too tight sometimes. Someone better and someone more deserving of your love will come into your life when the time is right. You need to just go on with your life and let your heart heal properly. Til then you have all of us here at Laura's. If you need to PM me I will talk to you if you just need to talk.

Peace and Love my friend.

[Guest Konnor]

Thanks everyone for your support and advice. It helps to know I have so many people behind me here at Laura's. Dan, you're right...I guess it's just going to take time. Ugh...hopefully things start looking up a little. Thanks again everyone!!

--Konnor

[Sally]

Konnor,

Trust me, Sally doesn't lie to anyone here (just about who I am in my daily life) you will get over this and you will find that it is really for the better.

It sdoesn't seem that way now but it is.

Your ex was lying to you about the ulcers being caused by stress - it can produce extra stomach acid that can agravate the condition but if he was coughing up blood from his ulcers he would have been kept in the hospital - they don't bleed until they have perferated and require surgery to repair - nd it used to be followed by a medical discharge.

I would keep that little bit of information in mind if this individual decides that he is tired of who ever he is hanging around with now and wants to come back - you deserve better!

Stay here and talk to us and forget about old what's his name and move on.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Konnor

I hope you are okay. I didn't post because you had so many people with such good advice - but re-reading I see:

Without him, I'm back to the "not knowing" state. I don't feel like a girl or like a guy really.

We are what we are baby, you are just fine as you are. When you get feeling better - you gonna get back into the grove.

Relationships mess with your head, but you learn from them... So the next one will be better!

Keep us posted on how you are doing!

Lizzy

[Guest Evan_J]

Kiddo,

I'm sorry to hear what happened. I gotta be truthful with you (and its gonna be that "burning, no that's not it cuz I can't take it if that's it" kind of truth, but its best know who he really is) what Bernie said is true. I hadda hear it about my exwife. She basically did what Andrew did; a sudden "inexplicable" but "I'm exstatic" breakup and claimed it was stuff that really made no sense -a "thrown together hodgepodge" just like the ulcer/can't juggle all these facets malarky, and it actually was that she was floosying around with someone. YOU DON'T WANT HIM. If he can do that you don't even want to miss him. You're a 10, he's a 2 at that point. It "killed" me when I had to know that. But you are a "great" guy, free for someone to be fortunate enough to have. He on the other hand is a sleazy very *friendly* person, slutting around with no loyalty who will inevitably end up slutting around with another, and yet another, and another guy with no real life.

[Guest Sydney_W]

Aaaagh, this sounds just like how my relationship ended about a year ago. I still can't believe it's been so long. I miss that kid.

It was a similar situation, minus the ulcers. Long-distance relationship, most communication over the phone or internet. For the longest time, everything seemed peachy. But she lived away from home at an intense boarding high school. It was slowly taking her over, even down to the point of what seemed like forced socializing. With my having been a social outcast for my entire life, and with several of my few friends having been stolen away from me by excessive schooling, I was extremely resentful of this situation. It also seemed to me that her classes and activities were overloading her, making her very stressed out. So in light of this, I understand what you said here:

They made him talk to a chaplain and a psychologist to figure out what was stressing him out so bad. He decided it was me...he was always worrying about getting stationed closer to me, trying to get home for holidays, worrying about going out with his friends because he didn't want me to get mad, and always trying to figure out what was wrong with me. So he decided that he couldn't juggle me, his family/friends, and being in the Navy. Once he texted me, I called him. He basically repeated what he said in the text and said there was nothing I could change to fix it, and there was no other options besides breaking up. You should have heard him...he sounded so different. So cold. When we were done talking, I said I love you, and he said "I love you too, but I can't do this." He then told me that I could do whatever with his stuff that was at my house and deleted me from his myspace. His mood on myspace was animated and his headline said "Sometimes you just gotta be free!!"

When she told me that she "had to" break up with me despite her not wanting to, I couldn't understand it. My reasoning was that, if you're overloaded and have to cut something, cut out an extracurricular club or one of the five or so honors classes you're taking. Leave behind a few of the extraneous responsibilities that you've thrown onto yourself, not a friend, much less a lover! Don't drown something that (you say) makes you happy.

And I knew I had problems. I was also "trying to figure out what was wrong with me." But when this happened, I was in the early stage of mental repair. I was finally starting to feel better, and personal issues were beginning to clear up. And then this happened. One week she sent me a thoughtful birthday present with a loving note included... the next, she claimed she didn't love me anymore. Naturally, I was extremely hurt and perplexed. My Aspergic inability to perceive subtle social cues certainly didn't make things easier, either.

But anyway, I don't really have a solution for you, man... these things happen, I guess. We may just have to accept them, although I personally am far from content with that. :/ You did a good thing by venting, though. It's healthy to take that internal crap and get it out into the air. I just wanted to let ya know that I know your pain, and it really sucks, but the world won't be a dark place forever. Writing this made me feel a lot better about it myself, even now after I've recovered. Good luck, buddy... things'll get better for you in time.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Konnor,

I'm going to join the "I've got no useful advice" club. I've got life experience I can share, but there's nothing that makes the pain go away. Only time can do that. If this is your first "real" relationship, it'll stay with you for the rest of your life. It won't always hurt like this, but you'll remember. After a while you will remember the pain, but you won't be so deeply affected by it. That's how it has been for me anyway.

The best advice I can give is to have your grief for a while, but then move on. Don't let it go on for too long. Get out and do things. Move on. Your heart might not want to, you have to drag it along at first.

The first time I was rejected was a lot like what you are describing, except in my case it was a woman. She didn't want to be with me because I wasn't "a real boy". I wasn't even IDing as trans back then. I didn't really know what being transgender meant. All I knew was that I loved her and felt like a man when I was with her. At least for a time, she loved me too. She treated me like her boyfriend. Because she was straight identified, and I didn't think of myself as a lesbian, we didn't try to put a name on what we had. In time, it was the stress of other people not being comfortable with our relationship that drove us apart. I don't know how much of your current woes have a similar cause. I suspect the 'differentness" factored in at least a little. People always want to label, sort, and describe things. It's maddening.

You're still a young person, so your identity is still forming up. I mean, you are who you are. Imagine that you are fully formed, but maybe the concrete isn't dry yet. Stuff's still hardening up. Figuring out sexual orientation and gender identity is tough for those of us who didn't get it handed to use. For most people, it seems like that stuff falls into place naturally. For some of us, it isn't so straightforward. The confusion you feel is probably at least a little upsetting. The best thing to do is to take that confusion as a cue that you need to think about things a little more. No need to do that now. Get over this hurt first, then tackle the next thing.

That's all I've got for now. I hope you are doing better!

[Guest B.heard]

Hiya Konnor I thought id share my 5 cents just so you know your not alone by any measure.

Cutting a long story shorter a few years ago I was introduced to a friend of my friends and we became like best friends I didnt know he was gay and he didnt know I was ftm anyways we got on so well it ended up turning into more then friends which worked well I ended up telling him I was ftm but it just made me more determined to transition as he liked guys.

Just like the other stories everything was wonderful then one day it got cold and I was given some rubbish reason that we had to stop things... but the long and short of it is no one that truely cared about you would land such blame and guilt trip on you if you accept what you was told was a possible lie to twist things to suit him then what does that say about him? and his respect for you?

I dont mean to bash your ex since I really dont know them but what helped me was opening my eyes to see things I didnt want to see before the guy in my story he was selfish and not respectful and from what you have said your ex he seems just as bad and if you can open your eyes to some of that maybe you can see how silly it would be to allow some confused selfish guy who is willling to lie and twist things for his own gain influence you in any way.

Allow you self some time to grieve for a loss and get angry but at the right person and remind your self daily no one takes your self respect heal up budy be strong and let your friends support you and when things begin to feel abit better -then- maybe think about any confusion about being ftm no other human being should really factor into your thoughts about who you are so if your head feels like a mess right now dont make things worse with worry over that as everyone has said give it time.

[Guest Benzrathe]

Duuude, that blows MEGA chunks! I'm sorry you've been subjected to that. Regardless of whatever fable he felt he needed to concoct, the end results is he wanted out, and plans to move on. You can and will do the same as well. Eventually. The point is to do so in your own good time.

You're siblings are all correct. You need to focus on you and your wants/needs now. If you need to cry - CRY! Rant, RANT! Do the Snoopy suppertime dance? Ummm - oook... DANCE! =] Just tend to your immediate needs now, and I'd suggest leaving the heavy life changing decisions until you're more grounded. Don't want you doin' anything rash and then regret it later. (Ya know how hard it is to find a "Bertha" to match the tat? ;-])

So to recap:

1) His loss

2) Take your time

3) Crying, ranting, dancing - good. Tattoos/rash decisions - not so good

4) You are loved at least here (& it shows)

Just figure out what you need right now, and know that you deserve NO less. Peace WILL be yours again...

Benz

[Guest leo]

im sorry to say as well but bernie is right

i know cus i was once the same kinda guy

any excuse to get rid of you for the next person, but when that person leaves us we want someone so we go back to you

dont give him the chance

and maybe this break is good for you

and you can discover the real you

[Guest Konnor]

Thanks everyone for the great advice. You've all told me basically what I figured...that there's someone else and/or he's decided he wants to only be with bio-guys. It's a hard thing to come to terms with...that the man you planned your life with and was ready to marry you doesn't want you anymore. I just don't understand because he hasn't been like this before. Maybe I'm still blinded by love, but he honestly doesn't have any "bad" traits...he's not a bad guy at all. This wasn't my first real relationship, but it was the only one that felt like real love. I honestly feel like if he comes back to me someday, which I very much doubt he will, I'll take him back. I care for him more than I've ever cared for anyone before. I don't mean to sound like a giddy-in-love teenager, because I'm not, but I loved him with every part of me. I don't know how this will ever get any better...every day I have to force myself to get up and get ready, go to school and get my work done. I've even burst into tears in the middle of a resturaunt and in class because something reminded me of him, which I hate admitting because I DON'T cry, especially in front of anyone. I just feel so sad all the time, and I have to force myself to stop thinking about him. I dunno, today is just a really bad day so I'm more emo than usual I guess. I'll keep you updated on how things go. Thanks again everyone for the helpful advice, it means the world to me to know so many people care.

--Konnor

[Sally]

Here's the only advice that makes any sense for this or anyother situation - that is in the past and the past is gone only a shadow, now is here and gone so fast you can't be sure until it is already in that shadow world of the past, live always facing the light that makes those shadows - the future is the direction to be heading and enjoy the present as it slips by into the past, never look back and you will have no regrets.

The hardest thing for me here at Laura's is when I relate my past to others to help them to better understand what is happening.

I cry and feel all of the pain again - the past is gone but it can still hurt when you let it into your heart - block it off and move forward, you are young and have so much more ahead of you.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Oh Konnor!

I am soooo sorry you hurt!

Please keep venting and screaming and hollering and fussing - right here at Laura's! We will be right here with you! The guy's obviously an idiot! You are a VERY good person, a sweetheart! - my goodness, someday he's gonna wake up and wonder what was he thinking?

Lizzy