Hi, I'm new, confused and scared

[Guest]

Hi everyone.

My name is also Laura. Laura-Jean.

I'm recently just coming out slowly.

my life is a wreck, I have no friends.

I could go on and on, but maybe I should just start slow.

"Houston, We have had a problem."

That's when I was born. Almost to the minute, checked the nasa mission logs for Apollo 13. A little after 10 pm eastern time (9 central in houston), on April 13th, 1970... Three guys trapped in a can a quarter of a million miles from home..... and a very scared little TG girl being born down here on Earth.

Kinda prophetic for the mixed up transgender life that began as that historical phrase was uttered.

 

...46 years later... still just as terrified, trapped in a... I don't know what this is..... who knows how many miles from earth, not even sure if they even use miles out here of if the geometry is even the same anymore......LOL....I'm having a bumpy ride these days. kinda like those guys in Apollo 13 years ago.

 

It's lonely out here beyond the moon, floating around in a broken spaceship.

[Dev]

Welcome to the Playground, Laura-Jean!

You'll find no end of friends and resources here on this site.  I have yet to meet anyone here who doesn't have the time and inclination to help others, even if a kind word is all they can offer for a particular situation.  The one thing I absolutely want to stress is that you are not alone.

Gender issues can be terrifying, especially after being socialized as a child and living for decades as the wrong gender.  It seems there's so much to learn we could live another lifetime without figuring it out.  I have a couple of recommendations for you to start with.  You've already found the forums, and I hope we'll see you here often. 

We also offer live chat, where there are MtF transition support group meetings every Monday and Saturday at 7:00 Eastern time.  Also, we keep an updated list of gender therapists from around the world.  Gender being as complex as it is, it can be immensely helpful to work with a therapist who knows what's up with gender issues.

For now, please don't hesitate to join in on conversations and start new ones.  Ask questions, get to know folks, and enjoy your time with us in general.  Please do take a quick moment to review the community rules, if you haven't already .  I look forward to hearing more from you!

-Dev

[Guest Tamar]

Welcome Laura. Another 1970 baby here. ❤

[Guest]

Been living as this scared little bunny, hiding from a terrifying world. Social things are not my strong suit, I tend to go invisible in social situations.

But as gender issues are for many, I have been brought to a point of ........well, words fail, it's dark. i'm sure many of you know that place I'm talking about.

It helps to see others thriving through this sort of a challenging life.

It appears also there are many resources and experiences that can be immensely helpful. Like finding that right therapist, That's something I have been on a long frustrating search for. I don't just have gender issues, but a bunch of other stuff mostly as a result of my struggle with those issues. Some of the things we do to explain this to ourselves can warp our minds inside out, I have made many unhealthy mistakes over the years.

There comes a point in one's life though where truth becomes inescapable. And I have to accept myself for myself, and let her shine thru. It's getting too tough to hide under these boy clothes. I don't think I was fooling too many people trying to play "boy" all these years anyhow, they saw thru my ruze. Got many wedgies and indian burns for it too. Kept getting invited to all the girls games when I was young, as an adult, I kept getting kidnapped to the mall by my female friends to be the or personal fashion consultant, something I had absolutely no problem with.

Though donning a standard a standard button down shirt and jeans, and having a deep voice, I just kept getting grouped in with the ladies time and time again. yeah people would linguistically refer to me by my male name and use male pronouns, as that's how I sound and look currently in public. People would always treat me as 'one of the girls'.

But now I have very little of a public life, only going out to the store for regular stuff.

I live in near isolation. I live with my retired father, and my kitty cat. But that's about the extent of it. there are 'complexities' to how I feel about coming out fully, being roommates with my dad. I talk about this , but I don't actually dress female around him.

It's complicated. More a conversation for a therapist.

[Guest]

47 minutes ago, Tamar said:

Welcome Laura. Another 1970 baby here. ❤

Spring 1970 was 9 months after woodstock

 

[Guest AshleighP]

Hello and welcome! Lots of love, support, and guidance to found here. Ask questions, read forums, and enjoy your time here. You will discover that your story is similar to others. I have found that to be very comforting. The space capsule you're in is bigger and more populated than you could ever imagine.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Laura_J,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. You're among friends here so don't be afraid to ask questions.

MaryEllen

[MarcieMarie12]

Hi Laura, welcome to Lauras!

I'm a 1973 kid, so not too far off from you. Feel free to ask questions!

Coming out to family for me was hard, and was what caused me the most anxiety. Afterwards it was such a relief to be out to them despite my mom's poor reaction.

Hugs,

Marcie

 

[Jani]

Hello Laura and welcome!  I have nothing more to add beyond what my friends have said.  Please join in the conversation.  We'd love to hear from you.

Hugs, Jani 

[Charlize]

Welcome Laura,

It took me years to get past or perhaps i should say start dealing with gender issues.  I also went through a kind of purgatory.  When i found Laura's at 63 years of age i had started to make forays into the world as myself but hid at home and from any one who might know me.  Laura's opened doors.  Just knowing i wasn't alone helped.  I actually made the step of picking up the phone and calling a GT. 

Years later i've found peace with myself and the world.  Things aren't perfect.  I doubt they are for anyone trans* or cis, but i'm content most of the time simply being myself.

We are here to help each other as no-one else can.  Take a breath and enjoy.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Laura,

 

Welcome to Laura's Playground! I think we all here know that frightened and alone feeling. Our closets can be very empty and dark and lonely places. Before I reached out and found Laura's, I felt so alone, I may as well have been on the moon. I was hiding myself away in that closet having fantasies of finding my way to the top of the highest building in Grand Rapids and taking that proverbial flying leap. Finally one day while working security at a factory, out of desperation I punched up something like "online support for transgender people". The site on top of the list was "Laura's Playground". I started reading and it was like a ray of hope shown through a hole in the clouds of my dispair. I had to do a patrol, and as I started it, I remember saying to the heavens or the fates, "please don't douse this ray of hope, I don't think I can go on without it". It wasn't doused. The difference Laura's made is astounding! Learning that I was not alone, and having caring, understanding support helped imeasurably. And it also gave me the incouragement to continue looking for more help and support. You never have to be alone anymore. Your rocket has just come home! Again, welcome to Laura's, you're among friends.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf?

[Guest]

Thanks everyone 

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Laura.  As you've already seen, this is one place where friends are found, and friends who understand where you are and where you've been.  We're here to help, whatever your questions or concerns might be.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Briana]

HI Laura and welcome.  I can vouch for what has been shared above.  This is one of the best sites out there in terms of friendship, support, and honesty.  I find those things missing from many of the other sites and am sure glad I found this one.  

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Briana said:

HI Laura and welcome.  I can vouch for what has been shared above.  This is one of the best sites out there in terms of friendship, support, and honesty.  I find those things missing from many of the other sites and am sure glad I found this one.  

Thanks, I like your glasses, that reminds me I have to go out and get a different style of frames for myself. Right now I just have  a pair of 'guy' glasses.

[Briana]

Thank you!  They are my favorites.  I broke the first pair and replaced them with the same.  :-)  And then...I lost them in Denver last week!   :-(  UGH! My wife said, "REALLY!!!"  Then it was, "too bad so sad" - so now I have to wear the back-up ones which are similar shape but a brown tortoise shell like.  I always liked brown but they really don't look as good on me. 

[Guest]

Glasses are a fun accessory, even girls without vision problems use them.

Me though,I'm nearsighted and now a little older and qualify for bifocals (yay?), so it's not really an optional accessory for me. I tried contacts, but I just can't deal with it. I couldn't get used to the absence of glasses actually, I like having the protection of the lenses. My eyes are extremely sensitive. If I take my glasses off for too long, they get irritated. But now half the time I need to take them off to see close things.

Unlike folks who are not nearsighted, as I got older, my close vision stays good, it's just my glasses that interfere now closer than 18". It's easier to just take them off than to use bifocals.

[Dev]

I'm nearsighted as well.  The only time I wear my glasses for computer work or other up-close things is if I've got a headache from eye strain.  Otherwise, I tend to go cross-eyed.  I generally only put my glasses on for driving, because beyond about five feet I'm blind as the proverbial bat.

My first eye doctor, way back when I was a kid, decided I had an astigmatism and put me in bifocals.  The prescription was actually right for my level of nearsightedness, but the switch between lenses gave me nasty headaches non-stop.  Then when I was a teenager, I was told my vision was degenerating so quickly I'd be in Coke-bottle glasses by 20 and legally blind by 25 or 30.  Here I am decades later, and my vision hasn't changed a bit.

[tracy_j]

Ditto

I am nearsighted too but now glasses are a bit of a pain as in many situations I am putting them on then taking off continously. Shopping can be a pain if I wear the wrong glasses. If I wear a smaller pair I can look over them to read labels etc.

I don't go to extremes of fashion but the last couple of times I have got new ones I have female frames. They are not vastly different to some male ones so, except perhaps for the colour, pass when I am in male mode as well. With these 'two for one' offers that tend to be around these days I have perhaps six or eight pairs that I have choice from so they are becoming an accessory. I have a pair of varifocals but do not really get on with them either!

Tracy

[Guest]

Also, I find some styles of glasses good ways to hide eye blemishes & bags.

Age is inescapable for everyone, and it seems to be collecting under my eyes. Eye doc says it's cholesterol. I find the horizontal rectangle/oval styles to be good for hiding that. probably why they are so popular. A lot of us trying to cover up tired eyes out there. Also eye allergies can wreak havoc on the surrounding skin. I need to learn more about taking care of that area of my face.

I have to talk to a dermatologist about a number of skin issues. It'll be more than just lasering off hair for me. I feel taking care of my skin and getting rid of hair and other stuff is my 1st order of business. I'm in the process of getting insurance straightened out and finding a general doc. I haven't been to a doc in a long time. I usually avoid the medical establishments. But as we get older,doctors and that are a necessary part of life, tran or not. One can play games with their health while young, but that really catches up with ya!

I have chronic fatigue, a bad back, carpal, digestive issues, ingrowns getting infected, rashes, and sensory overload problems destroying any of my focus and making me prone to unpleasant moods.

I need to take care of my general health primarily. Depression really undermines those efforts. And I'm not a believer in the meds for that. Tried several, didn't work.

I notice as I embrace this more and be more who I am, I care more about my body and my health.

Who I have been for so many decades is someone who doesn't care one bit, wants poor heath & diet to catch up.

It a race between the healthy me and the unhealthy me. really it's all just me, one person I have always been, just for many years I have been angry because I was being expected to be someone I knew I wasn't. But the hurt and the anger is still there and when I'm like that, health means nothing to me.

I do cycle back and forth between being dressed female in private most of the time, and putting on my boy armor to go out and interact with the world. The longer I stay dress in my male 'canvas bags' as I nickname them, the more miserable I become.

This leaves me to stay isolated almost all the time. It too tough to just jump out there into the world, all alone, nobody by my side, not in any social context. And potentially dangerous depending in where and when I go out all alone, by myself. There is always safety in numbers. I unfortunately do not have those numbers to be safe in.