How to Deal with Dysphoria

[Guest]

Yeah, like the title says. I've asked my therapist who says I need to understand what my dysphoria wants and then go from there. I know what it wants, I think most of us do/did know. Lets pretend for a moment that we can't satisfy the necessity at the moment, does anyone have anything they've found that helps get past it or minimize it? 

I would be eternally grateful.......

*HUGS*

-Fiona 

[MarcieMarie12]

For me it ultimately led to transitioning. During that process, being out as me and taking steps were all that helped. Wish I could be more helpful. In all honesty my dysphoria got too bad for any other choice to be made, whatever the consequences. Prior to that I had my wall of denial surrounded by a moat of shame-that's what kept in check. Those are like some ruins of a long ago past, even though I am only getting to just 1 year into my transition. 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Fiona,

 

All I can say is when we can't medically change what we are dysphoric about, we have to get a little inovative sometimes. A simple example is how I used to hate my (unfeminine) hands. I saw a YouTube video of a young trans girl, and saw how soft and feminine her hands looked, and I thought how I would just die to have hands like those. I have no financial hope for HRT or anything like that, that might have positive results, plus, I'm older than that girl is. But I decided to do what I could with lots of moisturiser. I found a genaric brand that's like "Jergens Ultra Healing Lotion" that I liked better and used it periodically throughout each day, not really expecting much. A while later, I was looking at my hands and was shocked. I could hardly believe what I was seeing. Feminine looking hands! Maybe not as good as the girl in the video, but for my age, awesome! Soft and smooth, so much more than I ever expected. Now, I love my hands! What a difference in how I feel about them. I just looked at the problem, and tried to think of something that might make it better and tried it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. When it doesn't, I just go back to the drawing board.

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

[Guest]

Your story made me smile. I'm so happy that helped you.

[Cyndee]

I like Timber Wolf's attitude above !

I would point out that there are 2 main types of reported dyshporia, body and social. Social dysphoria was where I spent the most of my focus as it seemed to be where I had the most discomfort. Fixing social dysphoria lead me to full social role transition. Changing my appearance as much as possible, legal name change, living in the role, nothing felt better to me than being recognized as female. I also knew that this transition impacted those close to me, and was sensitive to their needs and perceptions. Therefor I went slow during the change process, transition for me was spread out over years to allow those I care about transition with me, many stories exist on our board regarding social transition, the successes are usually from individuals that go slow and incrementally. Social dysphoria was largely solved with transition.

Body dysphoria can be solved with exercise and diet, hair removal, surgery of course. I've taken all of these steps and have benefited greatly.

Everyone's circumstances are unique and there is no one fit all approach, you have to find what works for you, there are many incremental steps one can take, I would recommend assessing where you are as you take each step to benefit you specifically, being honest with yourself is the best medicine....

Best

Cyndi -

 

[Guest]

Thank you. I get both body and social really bad, they see, to take turns. In the past it was primarily social and I've been taking slow tiny steps toward a social transition but recently I had body hit me real hard. Usual the social lasts a day or several hours where the body lasted several days. I don't know what the norm is but that's the way I've been experiencing it for a couple years. Seems that the social is easier to deal with than body. I have only been on HRT for four months now so I know I have a long way to go.....

[VickySGV]

Doing HRT is one tool in the box for you.  You have one thing in progress.  A huge issue though is simply not beating yourself up over what you cannot do at the minute, and letting loose of the "it will never happen thoughts".  I was 61 when things opened up for me and while a long time, in was not "NEVER".  Take pride in what you can do, as TW did and that will also be a tool.  If you can, support groups who simply accept who you are, and where you can talk out the issues and yes, even cuss about them do help.  I help lead on group and know what it does for the others. 

[Guest]

Thanx, Vicky. I am looking for a support group at the moment. 

 

-Fiona

[Briana]

Hi Fiona, I think what Vicky said was important.  Don't beat yourself up over anything and enjoy the moment.  Look at what you have vs. what you don't.  And remember that you do have us....even if just electronically...ya still got us.  There's soooo many good people on this forum with so much to offer, including you sister. 

[tracy_j]

Hi Fiona

I like Timber Wolf's approach there. It reminds me of my hands which are large. Luckily, seldom doing heavy manual work, they are fairly soft and I have always had a tendency for longer nails than most. I hate grime and keep them really clean. That helps a lot (the moisturiser can be used to clean them and I think, acts a bit like barrier cream). I moisturise (not only hands but whole body) at least twice a day.

My issue has been with social dysphoria but I think a major one for me is what I would call situational dysphoria. That may well be part of social dysphoria but its strong enough with me to feel seperate. Examples of this would be being in an all male environment (socially as in a workgroup or group of friends - this may be social but if so is an extreme situation), in the wrong bathroom or locker room. There are other examples but non come to mind at this instant. Except for the locker room (where I seldom am) I have sorted the rest mainly by avoiding the situations, so the dysphoria has largely gone away. With that goes much of the memory of problems. With my relaxed approach to transition social dysphoria in general is lessened. I have always treated women as equals (literally) and naturally am drawn toward them in any social encounter. I am very wary of men, and although sociable enough to greet them, do not usually initiate communication. I always felt odd in society anyway so dressing different to how I used to does not make me feel like I stand out any worse (in fact it feels right) and I find, is generally accepted as normal.

I have drifted off a bit here but I think the gist of what I am trying to say is that to a large extent it is (at least with me) mindset. I think there has always been the woman inside of me and she has always shown herself. I am a bit of a rebel so have naturally not worried about showing feminine traits. It can obviously be risky in some situations but my take is:

1 : Be the woman I am. This means worrying as little as possible about things I cannot easily change about my physical side - eg tiny boobs - I just get a tiny bra (the padded type) that fits, noting that many cis women have tiny boobs too. A big thing to remember is that many women have issues with their bodies - I am just a woman with more body issues than most (NOT ALL) cis women. Being a woman I tend the think 'what solution do other women have?'. If you look in their armoury you will find solutions to many issues (eg the tiny bra I mentioned - it is for cis women). Knowing these facts builds your background and is often good for all female chats.

2 : Think woman. This comes naturally (for an example see the bit about hands above). Specifically I would say try to forget that you are a man who really thinks they are a woman, but are a woman who is not afraid to show herself as a man. I sometimes wonder if there is a point when someone who is MTF has been mistaken for FTM - the crossover point?

3 : Live woman. Obviously there still will be male situations (eg official appointments in which your legal identity is to the fore), but in general I go out to the shops etc, chat predominantly with women, behave like a woman, go where they go etc. Being a woman is a full time occupation and being part time male as well makes it conflicting and more than full time. The answer I find is to be full time woman and act as male when the situation demands rather than be male trying to be female.

Well I've gone round the houses on this one but I hope it gives a bit of my philosophy on life and transition and some of it helps

Tracy

[Guest]

Thank you everyone. I think these are good ideas and will try them.

As for Tracy and the situational, I totally get that, at least I think I do. I'm far more uncomfortable in a 'man place' like Home Depot than I am in other more neutral places, I'm actually kinda glad to hear I'm not the only one.

*HUGS*

[tracy_j]

Yes that sounds about it Fiona. Your comment reminds me of visiting a DIY store a couple of years back to get some line for the lawn strimmer.One of those more geared for the trade than public. I felt nauseous and almost flaked out. I knew what size I wanted and even took a sample but I was so uncertain in what I was doing that an assistant (male as they usually are) came and helped. It is not often I am scared but I was really worrying about what was happening to me. I often feel uneasy as I have several predominantly male hobbies as well as female ones and they have their specialist shops, but that was the only time I had felt that bad.

Tracy

[Guest]

There's been a couple times that I had panic attacks in stores like that, or a small heart attack. LOL

[emilya s]

well from my own very current experience on this very same problem where i know what my dysphoria wants but cant realy give in to it for that would collide with other parts of my life that i want to keep intact i usualy do compromises with my dysphoria. the last time i felt i need to change something i was like i want to have nail colors! but wait im not out to the college im going to now and having nail colors on my fingernails would out me so i compromised and put nail colors on my toenails. i always wear closed sports shoes so nobody gets to see the colors and dysphoria still gets what it wanted. the time before that it wanted clothing so same deal. i started wearing clothing that cant bee seen by others except me [clothing under clothing without implying the obvious title for the deal] and so far dysphoria gets what it wants in a compromise and i still get to keep my other plans intact

[Guest]

I know what you mean, Emilya. I already color my toes but not really my fingers.......