Dealing With Dysphoria

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Reading people's responses to my post about packing started making me think about dysphoria. It really is a weird thing. Also, as is the case with so many things, we are all different.

I also learned that I am a bit of an oddball. Why don't I feel the need to pack all the time? What's my deal?

Then it dawned on me...

The whole thing with packing and not packing fits really well with my general coping strategy. When something bothers me, I ignore it. I don't mean ignore as in the mentally healthy version...like "I just move on". I seriously IGNORE whatever it is. That's how I cope. For me, the emotional and anxiety cost of dealing with something upsetting is too high. I have to take things in doses I can handle easily. For example, if I have an injury, I have to deal with that in stages. I NEVER look at the injury first. First I think about how it feels. Then I try to move around. Then I look around to see if anything's severed and if there is a lot of blood. Only after I do all that stuff do I actually look. If I can, I will get someone else to look first and then tell me on a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being the worst) how bad it is.

This coping strategy is something I use in other domains too. If I know I don't have any money, I don't check my bank balance. If I think someone is saying something in an email that I don't want to hear, I won't open the email.

Now, since I'm a grown up, I don't get to ignore everything that bothers me. Through the years I have come to understand that ignoring things is not an adaptive coping strategy, even though it makes me feel better in the short-term. I've learned that I need to check my bank balance, and I need to read all of my work/school emails.

However, with respect to dysphoria issues, I still use the "ignore it" strategy a lot. My chest was always deeply disturbing to me. I took the shortest showers known to mankind. I avoided mirrors. Since I was about 11 or 12, I have not even had a mirror in my room. I can comb and part my hair without a mirror. A lot of times I'd do my bathroom stuff without my contacts or glasses so I wouldn't have to see myself. My vision is so bad that I can't see more than 5 or 6 inches in front of my face without corrective lenses. ...somewhere around 20/600.

To summarize, when I was pre-T and pre-surgery, mirrors were NOT COOL.

The good thing with my "ignore it" coping strategy is that it really does shield me from anxiety I can't deal with. I have anxiety issues in other domains, so it is important that I manage my anxiety for me to continue functioning well in the world. If I let the anxiety take hold, I can't function. It starts to take up too much of my thought power. Anyway, because I was able to ignore my chest by wearing a bra or binder all the time and not look at myself in the mirror, I was able to cope with the dysphoria.

The downside to my "ignore it" strategy is that it disconnects me from my true feelings. This is why I didn't come out as trans back when I was like 15 or 16. I ignore things so well that I don't know how I really feel about stuff. I think this is part of what's going on with my bottom dysphoria. I do have some dysphoria. I probably don't even know how bad it is. It's just that, like I do with other stuff, I ignore my bottom half. In my mind, I don't really exist below the waist. If I can go about my daily business and not think about it, I do. Using an STP doesn't draw too much attention to my lack of anatomy, so I use it...or some other improvised STP device.

How does this relate to not packing? When I pack it needs to be perfect. I can't deal with having the thing fall out. I think the anxiety of having my packer misarranged would really get to me. The thought of having it loose in my underwear freaks me out. I don't like the idea of it not being attached to me. That's why I pack with a jock, even though it is actually pretty uncomfortable. With the jock, it keeps everything up close so it feels real. I like for it to move with me, like real parts would. To me, having an STP packer is essential. I need the function more than I just need a bulge. Consistent with my "ignore it" strategy, if my packer can't be as close to perfect as possible, I'd rather not wear one. It is easier to ignore pants full of "nothing" than it is to keep fidgeting with an errant packer.

This was a mega-long post. Am I making sense? Am I crazy? ...probably.

How do you all cope with dysphoria? What coping strategies do you use? Do you think your dysphoria is severe?

Just wondering...

[Guest DanM]

I would have to say that my disphoria was quite severe since I tried suicide more times than I want to remember. There was no coping at that time of my life. Now that I am older and a bit more wiser, I have learned that coping has helped me to survive and.

Binding, packers and stp's are all ways of coping with the disphoria.

How can we live until we learn to live with what we are? We don't we just exsist til we come to terms with ourselves and for those who never caome to terms death is pretty emminent. I would like to think that God made most of stronger than regular homosapiens. We deal with more than anyone else on a daily basis and that makes us stronger and more capable of survival.

Peace

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Dan, you are right, it does take an extra kind of strength to deal with dysphoria. I think effective coping strategies are key. It sounds like you have come to that conclusion on your own. I think nontrans people don't understand how deeply upsetting dysphoria is and how it could drive a person to attempt suicide. Even though it might seem like a small thing to some, it impacts almost every aspect of our lives. In my case, my discomfort with my physical self made me insecure in other ways too. Now it is like a weight has been lifted. I hope you are finding some peace too.

Binding, packing, and using STP's are all physical ways of coping with dysphoria. I guess for me that stuff isn't enough. I have to use mental strategies to integrate physical coping into my daily routine. Maybe I'm not describing it well. Basically I need to feel physically connected to my "helping technology" somehow. It's weird.

Thanks for sharing!

[Guest MrAwesome]

Well, I have come to realize my dysphoria is mostly with the shape and look of my body, and the functions of my body. Periods are an example of functions. And I have a lot of problems with my lack of a masculine, and muscular looking shape. Which is why I really really need T >_< I can bind my chest, even though I don't like my chest, it's manageable, and as long as I can use an STP packer, and be able to function in my life as a normal guy, It's not too bad for me.

Well that's my thoughts, as for you, I think you should look at my special STP undies design with some stretchy spandex shorts over top to help hold in place, and Velcro.

[Guest April63]

I think I have a similar strategy of ignoring. I don't ignore to the same extent as you, but I do a little. For example, in the middle of the day, i just try not to think about it. Just not think of my body or myself, just what I need to do (icky boring school).

I personally have found that doing some feminine things, actually can make it a little worse. It reminds me of how I want to be female, and then everything else is out of place. It's harder to ignore at that point.

April

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Well, I have come to realize my dysphoria is mostly with the shape and look of my body, and the functions of my body. Periods are an example of functions. And I have a lot of problems with my lack of a masculine, and muscular looking shape. Which is why I really really need T >_< I can bind my chest, even though I don't like my chest, it's manageable, and as long as I can use an STP packer, and be able to function in my life as a normal guy, It's not too bad for me.

Well that's my thoughts, as for you, I think you should look at my special STP undies design with some stretchy spandex shorts over top to help hold in place, and Velcro.

Lewis, I did check out your STP undies design. You are a true craftsman! I'm actually going to try something like that. Keep up the thinking and the problem solving. You might have a business future, my man. Have you checked out Nick's site over at www.thetransitionalmale.com? The way you like to think and try to help out your fellow FTM's kind of reminds me of that Nick fella, which is a good thing.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Ains- hey guy - I thought you were studying - guess that's done! And apparently you survived that greasy cheezeeeey burger... hey guy, on the 'T' - you get HEART DISEASE easier - careful now!

And you wrote something i have to respond to - two things actually:

This was a mega-long post. Am I making sense? Am I crazy? ...probably.

[Yes you are crazy - next question]- kidding

How do you all cope with dysphoria? What coping strategies do you use? Do you think your dysphoria is severe?

I really wanted to respond to ignoring things - a weird parallel with your non-need to pack - i don't like to tuck (gaff) - it's unconfortable and it 'reminds' me of the problem, rather than hidding it. Strange? Am I making sense? Am I crazy? ...probably.... (WAIT! I just opened myself up on that one!)

How do I cope? I try to be myself all I can. I am certainly feeling transition on HRT - so I am waiting that out. I HOPE to eventually pass and disappear. Wouldn't that be GRAND!

Lizzy

OH OH OH - do I think my dysphoria is severe - yes, to the point of self distruction always on my mind - a real problem - and fortunately I am in therapy - and I made a promise to a MINX.

[Sally]

You are assuming from the very title of this post that we do actually cope with it.

I don't, I just live my life one day at a time and see what happens next.

When I was so carefully planing every step I blew up a marriage (that could not have lasted much longer anyway - even my male self was getting tired of being ignored) and didn't really see it coming.

We tend to get so focused on one thing that we lose sight of all else around us - so I stopped focusing on becoming Sally and just let her run the show all of the time - I don't look like a woman yet and I don't dress like one, but I sure do think like one and she's managing my life a whole lot better than he ever did.

So how do I cope?

I don't even think about it.

If everyone in the world were gender dysphoric that would be the norm - look at it that way and it is easy, just average!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest kirsty]

I'm with Sally on this.

I don't think I do cope really, I just learn to deal with it a bit better as time goes on.

[Guest Zenda]

Kia Ora Anisley,

How did I cope[past tense]?...I meditated every day and at the begining of my gender affirming period I would focus on self acceptance and accepting the fact that any unwholesome incident that might occured during my day was 'karma'...And the more I conditioned my mind this way, the more I started to see things in a different light, which in turn changed my attitude towards life-in a more positive way...Training the mind to accept 'what is' leads to a more positive outlook on life...But acceptance does not mean laying down and giving up on life when things don't go your way-It just means "Oh well! crap happens!" step around or over it and continue along the path towards your goal...

That's how I overcame my gender dysphoria - Ummm, well when I come to think of it, it's the way I flow through life now-by just going with the flow...

Remember... It's all in the mind...

Metta Jendar

[Guest Donna Jean]

Hey, Ains....

It's been awful hard....I mean really hard all of these years...and I have to admit that I didn't cope very well....Heck, I didn't even realize what I even had 'til 8 months ago...I just thought my life would continue to be misery...

Well, all of that has changed now and day by day the curve is bending my way.....

I'm coping more each passing day ...Acceptance got me over the hump...then it's just the business of correcting things...and I am coping with that better all the time!

And was my dysphoria severe?...I laid everything on the line to become myself...marriage, job, savings, home...I was at the point where nothing was as important as getting this right!

And by the grace of God I was able to keep everything ....myself included....

I have the love of friends that have helped me see things and a loving wife...

Cope?......yeah...that's getting to be the easy part for me....

Love you, Ains!

Donna Jean

[Guest Zenda]

Kia Ora,

I forgot...The severity of my gender dysphoria=In my early twenties one suicide attempt, ending up in hospital having my stomach pumped+two short stints in psyche wards in Sydney and in London-The psychiatrist prescribed valium and I was told I would have to take it for the rest of my life...Early forties another suicide attempt again hospital and stomach pumped-Mid forties enough is enough began the path of acceptance =no more gender neutralising valium - allowed gender identity to evolve = freeing gender from any dysphoria attached ...Becoming somewhat gender euphoric...

Metta Jendar

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Lizzy, I think we both might be crazy. sssssssssh!!! Don't tell anyone!

Seriously though, your issue with tucking is the MTF analogue of my issue with packing. Doing something too uncomfortable reminds me of the "problem". If I leave things as they are, it's easier to ignore. Is therapy helping? Therapy wasn't too helpful with my dysphoria, but my therapist did help me by making me feel like less of a crazy person, if that makes sense. Before I started therapy I was so caught up in not being a freak that I was a total freak...nervous wreck.

Sally, you say you aren't coping. Kirsty, I guess you don't think you cope either. I guess it depends on how we want to define coping. In my case, the fact that I am still around to chat suggests that I coped in some fashion, even when I wasn't coping well. Coping can have a lot of definitions. Coping can mean "dealing with it" or it can mean any number of things. If you go on living, you probably cope in one way or another. There was a time when "coping" for me just meant deciding that I'm going to keep living, no matter what. Sally, it sounds like you have a lot of resolve. I think that is also a way of coping. You are a strong woman!

Saying that you cope with things doesn't dismiss your suffering in any way. I think that is why some seem to be against the idea of "coping". Saying you "cope" also has this connotation that you accept whatever it is you are coping with. It doesn't have to mean that. I cope with my dysphoria on a daily basis, but I don't accept it. Correct me if I'm wrong on this one. Language can be really imprecise.

Donna Jean, you've come such a long way in 8 months! For you it doesn't sound like acceptance is a bad thing. I think there are some who think acceptance is a bit like admitting surrender. That's how I thought up until recently. I also thought that I would never be happy or have anything like a normal life. I would cling to adolescence like it was my life preserver. It felt like growing up was like giving up somehow. Weird, huh? DJ, for lack of a better word, you are just cool.

Jendar, reading your posts now I could never imagine you attempting suicide. You seem so at peace and full of life. I like how your posts are full of hope, but that you also acknowledge your struggles.

Thanks to all who have posted. I really get a lot from reading what you all say. Hopefully you guys get a lot out of it too!

[Guest Zenda]

Kia Ora Anisley,

Buddhist philosophy

When I had reached rock bottom-the only way was up^ ^ was my guiding light... B)I don't leave home without it!

Metta Jendar

[Guest joe0117]

I would say that I have pretty severe dysphoria. I hate both my top and my bottom. I have to bind and have a hard time when I am not for showers and bed. I was unfortunately endowed in the chesticles department. I never wore a cup bra but I know that I am at least a DD if not bigger. I have gone down a little bit in size with the testosterone and losing weight/working out. Sometimes it gets so bad that I wear two binders. I wear the cotton concealer from Underworks and I have a binder from T-Kingdom that really does work well.

A little off topic - the binder from there is a tank top. Only the area that has to be bound is the binding material the rest is really light and soft material so it isn't as hot as other binders. It velcros on the side so it is easier to get on than a lot of other binders. I play competitive basketball in mine, and it doesn't kill me like others have. I always layer up but if you were a t-shirt over it then depending on th etype of shirt, you either can't tell or it looks like a tank top undershirt if the shirt is shear or see through. The delivery is less than two weeks coming from Taiwan so it is longer than Underworks but not too long a wait.

In the bottom department, I have just as much trouble. I have to pack and have something there. I hate not feeling and sensation in that area that is being packed. I have a really hard time being intimate with my girlfriend. I hate my body and don't want to acknowledge any female anatomy. I use an ftm sexual prothesis and my girlfriend is so amazing and patient. he treats and responds to me as if everything is real. I will keep everything PG but it is frustrating not being able to feel what a bio guy would feel. If anyone else has found ways to increase enjoyment or deal with the same frustration I would be interested in hearing about it?

Recently, with all the injuries I sustained after my attack, I have had to see a female doctor for some of them. I HATE this. I sit in the waiting room with everyone staring at me like I am an alien. The surgeon's office put bracelets on you after to sign in so it is obvious that I am a patient and can't even pretend like I am just waiting for my girlfriend in the waiting room. They call everyone in to the appointment by calling them MS. fill in the last name. It is so humiliating. The surgeon has been great. She has been very respectful and tries to make it as painless as possible for me. The exams and the conversations make me sick to my stomach. They definitely make me aware that something is wrong with me.

The enire reason for having to see that doctor and my history with sexual assault drives me very close to the edge but that is a conversation for another time.

I am hoping that with the effects of the testosterone and having surgery will help me feel more comfortable in my body. I have a lot to work through but with my therapist, my girlfriend, and the support of people here I think it can happen. At least I can hold out hope.

Joe

[Guest leo]

i agree with sally and kirsty, i just try and get on with it and manage my life as well as i can with my male state of mind

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

Joe, I feel your pain with the chesticles. Mine were about as large as yours. Heavy burden, bro....in more ways than one.

I know what you mean about seeing the female doctor. They make everything so cutesy girly in those offices. I agreed to be interviewed by this Ph.D. student in nursing about trans health care. She was wondering why transmen don't see doctors. I explained to her that it was bad enough to have to get checked out, but having to sit in a pink room with everyone bonding in femininity was too much. One bad experience at a time! Man, sorry that experience was so tough for you.

Leo, managing and getting on with it is about all anyone can do. You know what they say, "one day at a time".