Big Changes

[Guest djay]

I’m not really looking for answers or anything; I just need to get some things out really so if you read it, thanks. I'm sure many of you understand so if you have anything to say, feel free. I’ll try to keep it short though so sorry if it’s a little rough in some areas.

Basically since I was very young I’ve felt and known that my body didn’t match how I felt inside. I was born physically a female. As I grew up I was like every other boy and boys accepted me like that until we were getting older and it was becoming more obvious I had a female body. You know how boys are with girls at certain ages. Everyone assumed I was just a tomboy. I was fine expressing myself, I didn’t realise it was considered 'wrong' until I was bullied (mainly by girls to begin with). I became a loner as people didn’t want to be around me any more. I couldn't understand why I was being bullied for being myself, I wasn't harming any one. As I got older I realised I like girls. I find boys attractive but I like girls more. I hid this for a long time until I did eventually tell a couple of friends I had at that point. They were fine with it but I didn't tell any family. As I was a teenager I was hiding this and trying to be more like the girls my age were but I failed terribly. I wanted to fit in with the boys but I now knew that wasn't 'normal'. I continued to get bullied and hated myself more and more so buried it deeper within myself, the real me fading away.

When I’d left school I had a job that I loved but I had to quit due to depression. I had lost all my friends and stopped going out. The internet had become my life, trying desperately to find others like me and why I was like this. I learnt a lot and took time to find out who I felt I was. One day I was so depressed and began talking to my mum thinking she’d help me feel better or something even though we've never been close. I told her I never wanted my own children or to get married. She asked why, laughed and said of course you will, you're still young. I said I really meant it and I liked girls and she asked me why and I said why do you think. Her answer was you think you're a boy don't you. I said yes. Instead of comforting or helping me like I thought, she called me stupid and told my dad which I told her I didn't want at that moment. Obviously then they wanted to speak to me so I tried to explain but they refused to see my point of view telling me I must just be a tomboy/lesbian. Then they decided there would be no more talking of it as I’m a girl and always will be. So that was the last of that. The last year/two years I’ve just sank lower and lower in to depression and in to using the internet rather than living my life. I have been trying so hard to be their daughter. A non girly daughter I have to say. I still don’t have long hair (It's been growing due to my mother's wishes but I have a hair cut appointment next week she doesn't know about ), or wear girly clothes or whatever but I’m trying hard for them and its really not easy. I have let them believe that it was the depression making me say/think stupid things but they don't see that I have the depression because of all of this.

So a month or so ago I found a lump in my breast and I have to say that was one of the hardest things I've ever been through. Not finding a lump that was possibly cancerous but having to go to the doctors a few times and have people (even though they are obviously professionals), see myself as a woman and accept to myself that I’m a woman; it just broke me. It brought all of my feelings I’d been hiding away back to the surface. I can’t hide this or myself. It’s killing me. I’m 20 now. I know that’s not old but I’m getting older and the past few years have gone by so quickly. I can’t believe I’ve wasted so many years of my life, I don’t want to waste any more. I've missed out on my teen years that everyone else has experienced. I can see another 5 years going by and me just being stuck in my room doing what others want me to do, being how others want me to be. I'm so lonely, I’d love some human contact, friends, a girlfriend even. I just feel like everyone views me as a freak. Many people still don't know. My parents didn't want people to know so it's been kept between us besides my counsellor.

I've been speaking to my counsellor about this and she’s the only person I feel I can truly talk to. She was the first person I told and she was shocked as no one had told her anything like that but she was so accepting and helpful right away. She’s leaving counselling soon and I don’t know who I can talk to. I will have a new counsellor but it will take time to trust and everything. It’s like I feel comfortable with her and I can trust her and she's like my only release from this suffering and now she's going. But she is helping me to find my own flat before she goes. She knows of a good place and I'm pretty excited. Someone dropped out so there's an empty place so I'll be looking at it soon. Here I’m under my parents roof and I do have to live up to their expectations etc so I’m hoping there I can be strong and let myself out again. It’s going to be away from the area I live now, away from where I grew up. No one will know me so hopefully it will be a good opportunity for me. I'll have my own rules, space and freedom and hopefully I'll be comfortable there to explore and express myself more. The least I can do is try any way, being here is not working, it's just getting harder.

I’ve wanted to get away for a while now but my mum doesn’t want me to go. I’ve tried so hard for them to be their daughter and they’ve done things I don’t understand or think is right but I’ve had to accept them because I’m their child. I just hope that they can accept me now and push aside everything they don't understand my reasons for it or don't think is the right choice if they see I'm happy. For their lives it may be a wrong choice but not for mine, I wouldn't go through such big changes if it wasn't what I thought would help. I’m glad I have my counsellor right now, she’s really helping me make small steps towards what I want and what makes me happy. I’m just a little scared now that she’s leaving. Like what will happen when I tell my parents (again) especially with no back up from anyone.

I wonder if talking to my parents would help. I sometimes get the feeling they don't understand so are chosing to ignore it. They (mainly my dad) are full of comments. Like watching tv the other day and a gay couple were on a show not even doing anything but holding hands and he was like 'its not natural, its disgusting and wrong' etc. And then a transsexual was on the tv and he was like 'what a freak, how stupid does he really think he looks like a woman?' My mother always makes this comment about these two lesbians that live near us. They have short hair and aren't really feminine and she says 'oh look at the happy boyfriends'. It's just like what is your problem? I just sit there itching to say something. I just feel like they are aiming those things at me and I feel so hurt when I hear them say it all. They're not saying it about only those people but about me too. They could just not say anything and keep it to themselves, you know? I miss my dad, when I was young we were so close so obviously I want to make him happy and proud and to notice me not make him hate me.

I do understand their side of things but hiding this won't help them in the end, right? I'm making things worse.

In a way all of this mess is my own fault, I have to try face it and be strong until I reach the other side, I would just love a little support. I'm going to have no one when my counsellor leaves.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

djay,

Wow... I read every word of your post. Your story is almost exactly like my own, but the details are a little difference. I think the biggest difference between us is that I've had maybe a little more parental support (not a whole lot, but my parents don't argue with me anymore).

Like you, I grew up as "one of the guys" and was horrified to find out at around age 11 or 12 that I didn't fit in anymore. It was devastating and changed my life forever. From an early age I knew that I was different. As far back as 5 years of age, I remember my fantasies including me as a male. I'd play Star Wars with a female friend and would always be either Luke Skywalker or Darth Vader. It never dawned on me that I should maybe see myself as Princess Leia. My parents certainly knew that I preferred boy's toys and took on male roles when playing. As is all too common, they thought it was no big deal and was just a phase I'd grow out of. My mom and dad didn't do anything to try and change me. They'd buy me slot car tracks and G.I. Joe stuff. The biggest disputes happened when I needed to dress up. At those times my mom would inevitably get angry and tell me "YOU ARE A GIRL". I didn't really have a good counterargument. The cold, hard facts did seem to support what she was telling me. That made me really angry. That anger got bottled up and grew inside of me. It was almost always pushed just out of conscious awareness and only surfaced intermittently.

My childhood was relatively trouble-free until I was in like 6th grade. Crushes and dating and adolescence freaked me right out. Oh man... I really knew I was different then. At first, I figured I didn't have crushes on boys because I wasn't old enough or something. Then I realized that I really DID have crushes, just on girls. Since I was going to a Christian school, I was already aware that having crushes on girls was not at all okay, so I hid it. I became asexual. I didn't date. I didn't discuss dating. I made fun of friends who "liked" people. People didn't like me much. I had friends, but mostly kept to myself. I had friends in name only. Up until recently, I didn't have friends with whom I shared what I REALLY thought. Around puberty I decided that the world would hate me unless I could convince them that I was a heterosexual female. That made me even more angry. I carved out a unique identity for myself that let me get away with being uber-feminine, but I worked hard to look heterosexual.

By high school I had learned to make up fake crushes on guys that seemed reasonable for me to have crushes on. I didn't pretend to have crushes on the star football player or anything like that. I deliberately chose people who were "attainable", so they were at about my level of popularity...so that would be "not popular". In 10th grade I couldn't sidestep the dating issue anymore. For my heterosexual act to remain convincing, I'd have to date a guy. There was a guy who liked me and asked me out. I accepted. It was okay. I figured that I'd learn to be attracted to men. For all I knew, no one wanted to date men. They just had to and learned to be okay with it. I didn't know how different my experience really was.

I mostly used my boyfriend to shield me from other guys. He was kind of effeminate. I stayed with him for almost 10 years. He was a good person and we got along. I did my best to play my part convincingly. He did get to be a dear friend. I actually didn't see at the time how unfair I had been to him. I was never going to love him the way a girlfriend should. I was using him but didn't see it. Even now that makes me feel really bad. I am probably going to have to write him a long apology note.

When I was 23 I fell in love for the first time. It was with a woman. Before her, I thought that love was a myth that people told to make themselves feel better. I'd never had that "head over heels" feeling for anyone before. Like so many things, I assumed love was little more than a foolish exaggeration. Boy was I wrong! I dated this girl for a little over 2 years. It was awesome! I have never felt so right in a relationship. She was a heterosexual woman, so she didn't treat me at all like a female. We weren't lesbians in name. I don't know what we were. We just fell for each other kind of suddenly. In the end, it fell apart because I wasn't a genetic male (at least that's how I saw it). She didn't like the stress of being "odd" and didn't see herself as a lesbian. Of course, I didn't see myself as a lesbian either. Thinking back, I should have taken that as a hint.

My high school/college boyfriend wasn't the only man I deceived. Right before I decided to transition, I was dating a man who is truly a shining example of what a good person should be. We aren't together now. I finally admitted that I shouldn't ever date me. However, I was able to salvage the friendship. He loved me very much and was hurt when I came out to him. We're still working through all that. I guess I really did lie to him, but I was also lying to myself.

Ah...the parents.... When I came out to my parents I think they were expecting that I was "just a lesbian". Both of them told me that they felt really guilty that they hadn't seen what I needed earlier and gave it to me. They both (responding separately because they're divorced now) said that they sensed a deep sadness in me but never knew what it was. I told them that I didn't blame them for anything they had said or done. Neither of them could have imagined what was truly up with me. I actually worked against them by shutting down. I was so sure that they would hate me that I wasn't willing to risk telling them my true feelings. Maybe they would have been less accepting if I had come out to them as an adolescent. Maybe they would have been as kind as they are being now. I'll never know. No sense to worry too much about it.

I've been on testosterone since October 2008 and had top surgery in December. My life is steadily improving! It feels so good to not have to constantly live a lie. People know I am not a lesbian and they know why I'm not interested in men. It hasn't all been easy, but it is much better than how I was living before. From reading your post, it sounds like you are taking some active steps toward a better, more honest life. Seeing a counselor is great. If your parents aren't supportive, putting some distance between you and them is probably a good idea too. I live 500 miles away from my family. That distance definitely played a part in helping me get some perspective. From reading your post, it sounds like you are very brave.

Your medical issue with the lump sounds tough. I hope it was nothing. I have a friend (not trans) who has had lumps in her breasts. They were all benign cysts. Even though she is female identified and has no kind of gender issue, she found the experience upsetting. No one likes that kind of thing. It sounds like your medical issues are part of what made you uncomfortable enough to seek help. Is that the case? For me it was the possibility of getting married to a man. My boyfriend wanted to get married. It was too much. I couldn't keep up the act any longer. I deeply cared about him, but I was freaked out. A wife? Me? Does not compute! I started seeing a counselor a couple of months after my boyfriend brought up marriage.

I'm sorry your parents have made things difficult for you. A lot of people here at Laura's Playground have similar stories and experiences. You are not alone! A lot of what your parents are saying comes from ignorance and a lack of exposure to transgender people. Having a good support network is key when you are coming out to people and starting transition. It's good to have people here in cyberspace, as well as people in real life. Joining Laura's was a good first step! There are lots of caring, supportive people here. I'd also encourage you to look for support groups in your area. Depending on where you are, the number of TG people around may differ.

Man....I wrote a long, long post. I hope that you aren't freaked out by it. I mostly wanted to share so you could see that you really aren't alone. There are a lot of us that have had similar experiences. We're a pretty friendly bunch. Welcome!

[Guest MrAwesome]

Well I didn't nearly read the whole thing, and none of Stranded's post but I think your best bet is to see a gender therapist. Get a job, bind your chest, dress like a man, cut your hair, and just be you! If you're trying to be like others want you to be, then fine, be like how I want you to be - I want you to be yourself, and be happy! So what if people don't want you to be who you are? THEY aren't worth YOU being DEPRESSED. And this is only going to get worse --- TILL YOU CUT THE THE BRANCH!! >_< <.< Now I'm gonna go do a post on "Cutting the branch" So people know what I mean when I say this...

[Guest Benzrathe]

Read everything. Lived most of it, except I've never allowed my folks to live/run my life. I let them know that my identify was not their decision, no more than theirs' was mine. They're my folks, not my warden. It was their job to give me the tools I'd need to live my life, but then it became my job to build what works/worked for me. Once done, their job became to either love me, or get out of my way. Full stop.

They either trust you to be the reasonable, intelligent, thoughtful and insightful being they raised you to be, or reevaluate the job they did as parents. Ya can't have it both ways. The bottom line here (for me anyway) djay, is how long will you allow them to breathe for you? I'm not advocating that you be disrespectful. All of this can be said and done in a loving and mature manner:

i.e. "Mum/Dad I know this isn't easy for you, and it hasn't been a real party at Piccadilly for me either! (smile) Its not like I woke up one mornin' and thought "What's the absolute most difficult & irreversible journey I can set out on, just for shits and giggles" No. You raised me to be (insert appropriate descriptors here) and I respect and appreciate that. If I could simply choose to compliant just for the sake of us all - I'd do it in a heartbeat. But this isn't optional for me. No more than you being your gender is for you. How would you like it if I told you that you're being a woman/man was just a phase, and insisted that you HAD to dress and conduct yourself in the manner of the opposing gender? Could you do it? How'd you feel? How'd you feel about me?... (pause for effect) I love you. I truly do, and I don't want that to change. But unless we do... it just might. Because this isn't gonna go away for me... I just want to be happy, and I'd hope you'd want that for me too"

Errr, or somethin' like that. Sorry, Imma guy. I fix stuff. I hope this doesn't come off as heartless - because I feel ya - I do. Whatever you do, I hope its aces for you. Peace.

Benz

[Guest joe0117]

Hey djay,

I hope you are doing ok. It can be really difficult to transition around your family when they are not supportive. I hope that the apartment works out for you. I think it would give you some peace of mind to have your own space and feel comfortable to just be yourself. You only have to live up to your own expectations. The fact that you are so concerned and worried about dissappointing your parents shows that you are sensitive to their feeling but your depression could be a result of your own dissappointment with not getting to be who you really are. You are not doing this to hurt them. Can your therapist help you or recommend someone to replace her when she leaves? That way you will continue to get the support that you need. I hope that your parents will come around. It may just take them some time to educate themselves and see that you need them. Some people make fun of issues they don't understand and can be more sensitive when they learn about the issue and can link it to someone they care about. Some people never come around and can't get over their own fear and insecurities. I hope your parents are not that case. I hope you can find anew therapist and find support here. None of this is your fault. Stay strong - you are cared about here. I hope you can find some comfort in that.

joe

[Guest leo]

djay iv been reading your story and its excatly like mine

i always try to get my parents acceptance and they said the same

iv also lost all my friends and i currently just work and live on the internet

[Sally]

Djay you are in a very hard spot right now because educating someone who does not want to be educated is nearly impossible.

I hope that you will be able to find a way to move out soon and if necessary leave them behind to transition.

It seems harsh and hard to do, but believe me living 37 more years before you do it makes it even harder.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest djay]

Hey StrandedOutThere! First off thanks for taking the time to read and reply. Don't worry about the length, that's fine with me. Just hope you don’t mind my long reply in return.

Most of all, it's nice to know someone understands.

Our stories are quite similar. Your childhood as one of the guys reminds me of myself. Except I was given Barbie dolls and such but I was lucky to have brothers and mostly male cousins. My best friend was also male and he lived just next door. I would play with their toys. Like you I also played the male roles too and didn't see a problem with it, neither did the other kids until we grew a little older. I also started taking my older brothers clothes that he no longer wanted/needed and I felt more of a 'grown up' boy when I would wear my father's deoderants haha my brothers took the blame for his deoderant disappearing all the time for ages until I was found red handed one day. Then my mum was like you want perfume? And tried to make me wear hers. I remember those moments with my mum, her trying to force me in to dresses and such and it ending up badly every time.

I remember those times also, pretending to like guys you didn't really. I would pretend to like all the celebrities all the girls did which was fine as none would ever be with any of us any way. But once they all had boyfriends, I was being made fun of for never having one so I began to pretend to have crushes on certain guys in my school. One who I thought would never like me (I also tried to play it safe by 'liking' older guys, taken guys and such), he actually turned out to like me. He asked me out saying he knew I liked him because my friend told him. I was obviously shocked so I panicked and just said no. I didn't like him or want to be with him really so that was the last time we actually spoke, I avoided him ever since then. I then asked out a guy who I knew didn't like me (he liked my friend), in front of many people and pretended to be hurt. I also then made up a couple of boys who never lasted long or who lived away. I had convinced everyone I had a boyfriend who lived away for the longest time until I didn’t want to be lying any more so I said we split up. I feel bad for making it all up but people stopped bugging me over it. All along the person I want/ed to be with was the girl who I spent every day with. Even to this day she doesn't know a thing and it really hurts. I still have strong feelings for her. I don’t see her any more since she’s away at university but we do still keep in touch.

Since leaving school I've had two quite serious relationships, both with males. One wasn’t sexual at all and the other I did try to be a girl with him. I tried it and it was so difficult and uncomfortable, it just wasn’t right. I would end up thinking of girls to make me feel good. I loved them both as people and as friends. But like you, it feels that I've used them. I feel really bad. Both were attractive and very nice guys but sexually I find males a turn off. Our relationships were more like close friends.

That is what I'm worried about. I don't consider myself lesbian but if I get with a girl I can't give her what other guys can.

I'm glad your parents haven't been too harsh on you or anything. I really hope my parents come around too. I can understand their feelings so I don't want to push them. I think deep down they know what I am saying and have known it possibly before I even did. I think many of the kids who bullied me even knew some things before I did. I think by hiding my true feelings and trying to be their daughter has only made them forget it and believe that I am 'ok'. I really don't know, maybe it was the wrong choice on my part but I'll be honest, I'm so scared. I'm scared of losing my family.

Thank you, I'm really glad everything is looking up for you. It also gives me hope [:

Oh yeah, sorry it was all fine. It turned out to be just normal tissue that had grown together, forming a small lump. Its still there, they said it's nothing to worry about and it will probably disappear over time. I didn't need to have it removed or anything like that. I was obviously glad it wasn't cancer. That was a worry but the main thing I was thinking of was that I had to show that part of me. The part I've always hidden, even from myself best I could, you know? It is difficult for any one but I think that really was a lot more difficult with the whole gender thing. I really wanted to hide and not go but it could have been serious so I had to do it. Afterwards my mum saw I was upset and was telling me how I was brave but I just felt horrible. Like some ugly freak or something. I didn't tell her that, I just told her it was hard and she said she understood but I know she didn't really. Well I've always hated that part of my body and I was like maybe I can get surgery now but nah didn't happen. For a few days after I just wanted to stay in bed and hide away, I felt pretty ashamed, stupid, embarrassed, frustrated, I guess is how to describe it.

I agree, I'm not wife material or mother haha. Certain things (so it would seem shocking things), do validate your feelings.

Yeah, I really don't think I'm alone with the parents thing. I just hope that they'll see I'm still their child they knew and they aren't really losing their daughter because they never had one to begin with.

I can see everyone is super friendly here, I really feel comfortable already.

Thanks again [:

[Guest djay]

Thanks for all your replies.

MrAwesome,

I think you're right, a gender therapist would be the best. My parents just got me a regular therapist due to the depressed mood I was in and I just ended up telling her about everything one day. She's been really supportive and helpful but her field is depression not gender issues. So yeah, that will be something I will look in to.

Also, your 'cutting the branch' helped a lot thanks [:

Benzrathe,

Thanks, you're right. I need to stop thinking of them and of myself now, no one else is. Haha no don't be sorry, I agree with what you say. I just need to actually do something about it and I know only I can make those steps.

joe0117,

Thanks, yeah I'm really looking forward to having my own place. I think that's true, I'm so unhappy keeping all of this inside and not being myself. Pleasing others is so hard. Well, I will be having a new therapist but I don't know them so it's just going to take time to trust and everything, you know? I think a gender therapist, like MrAwesome said, would be the best for me though. Thank you, I hope they do too. Yeah, I'm really glad to have found such a nice group of people [:

leo,

I'm sorry about your family and friends. I know how you feel, it can get lonely. I think having a place like Laura's to come to really helps though. I hope things look up for you soon, stay strong [:

Sally,

That's true. Back when I told them about it, I wrote some things down to try help them understand better since they didn't want to talk. Some time later I saw it ripped up in the bin. So I think I'm going to have to make steps by myself and hope they will support me as their child. Especially if they see I am happier.

Thank you [:

[Guest B.heard]

Hiya Djay

I wanted to reply to you mostly being another brit going through this system so if there is anything I can help you with feel free to msg me and also having a home life probably worse then yours but I dont want to get into that only to tell you some things I wish I could have told my self aged 20.

Those are to understand being 20 can feel grown up but you are still young and I do understand your home and family might not being the most accepting if you tell them your going to transition but the truth of the matter is you could if you wanted to stay at home save money have some of their support and do your transition almost privately for the first year or so because the system moves so slowly in the UK by the time you get HRT or even be on HRT could be awhile anyways.

Next is to try your best to get to grips with your depression I know tharts not easy but the gender shrinks in the UK will want you to be free of depressions before treating you so its a worth while goal to try

And lastly its to be brave and honest to your self I know its the hardest thing to say out loud let alone to strangers but if your sure transition is what you want then tell your counselor or a GP start the ball rolling believe me the 5 minutes before you have to push the words out seem very hard but afterwards when you can feel free and know from that day on things are moving the way -you- want them to.

So many things will feel better and finally under your control, your life once this is set in motion. I know the parents issue can seem like a huge one but honestly you can start this by your self you can take control of being the you, you want to be and feel so much better it will probably help your depression and allow your parents to see you happier and growing up, and that alone should help your parents understand if I cant understand transsexual I can understand seeing my depressed child growing into a happy one I dont have kids but that should be enough for any parent worth your while.

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

djay, hopefully your parents will come around eventually. My mom (but not my dad) used to say stuff like "I'd rather see you kids dead than gay". I was all like "WHAT??!!!" Yeah. When I came out to them, and made it clear that there were two choices 1) I go away forever 2) they try to understand, they looked at things differently. Even if your parents are mad for a while, as long as you don't get mad too, there's probably a lot you can do to get through to them. I know a lot of people here have been hurt by their families. I know there are some families that really are horrible and rigid and not willing to change. Hopefully, as the public gets more educated, that will happen less and less. I spent so long being angry at my family for things they didn't really do that I feel alienated from them, even though they have been pretty good to me through all of this.

Anyway, welcome to the family here at Laura's. Chill with us anytime. Good luck on finding a nifty place to live. I see you are over yonder in the UK. I guess you're looking for a flat. See? I'm hip to the groove. I know the lingo.