Shift in Sexual Attraction

[Cindy Truheart]

15 hours ago, Tanya said:

 God I really sound like a girl now..lol

I want to share this so that you understand you aren't alone. I'm the same way, albeit I'm married to a woman now and not dating anyone. This is an excerpt from the book I'm writing that tells my life story.

" But when this man handed me a magazine from the rack to show me the picture on the cover, his hand touched mine and it lingered. This is the first time I experienced something I call “shutdown”. It’s a mental block in my head that happens whenever I am attracted to a man and it literally shuts me down. I have no feelings either way about people, it’s like all emotion is drained from me and I feel absolutely nothing. I don’t feel love, hate, envy, rage, sexual attraction, desire, compassion, or even empathy. It’s the same response I get when I am confronted with conflict. You see, in my mind, I’m about to be attacked. A mental switch is flipped and I no longer feel anything, it’s the thousand yard stare all over again and I’m ready to live or die and I don’t care either way. This is what I learned in school when the bullies and their cohorts tricked me, then humiliated and attacked me. This guy sensed something was off, I could tell, and I never saw him again after that evening. "

[Tanya]

Wow Cindy, thats intense.  I am sorry that you had to go through that very serious situation.  Have you ever sought counseling?  I had a situation when I was younger.  My biological Father died when I was 6.  My mom was left with me and my little brother who was 2 at the time.  So when I was 8 I was going around to neighbors houses to see if I could do chores for them.  Long story short, one of the neighbors raped me ongoing from then until I was 11.  This neighbor threatened me saying if I told anyone he would kill my mother and my brother.  When I was 11 my mother got remarried and we moved out of that neighborhood.  Well I remembered this rapist for the rest of my childhood years.  When I was 17 I went to boot camp for the Marines.  After boot camp we all get 10 days off before reporting to infantry school.  During this time off I decided that it was time, so I went to this rapists house with the intent of torturing this guy for the pain he put me through then and continuing on probably for the rest of my life.  So anyway, I found out at that time that he had already died from a heart attack or something stupid like that.  So from the time I was 17 until the time I was about 38 I suppressed these feelings that I had.  At that time I was in treatment for alcohol abuse.  These feeling all came pouring in all at once.  So finally I started to deal with everything going on and sought professional help.  The theory is that the PTSD that I suffered from the military along with the childhood PTSD was enough to trigger all these negative emotions along with becoming sober.  I am just wondering if this might be happening to you and this is your brains way of dealing with the problem is by shutting down.  Just something to consider.

[Cindy Truheart]

7 hours ago, Tanya said:

Wow Cindy, thats intense.  I am sorry that you had to go through that very serious situation.  Have you ever sought counseling?

Oh yes. I saw a therapist for at least six months recently. Since I'm moving I couldn't continue but I will find another one where I'm going. My damage is significant and I'm fighting every day to not lose it in some fashion. But at least now I have hope that one day I'll be better. I already am a little better. When I 'popped my cap' I had every traumatic memory come back within a very short time it seems. Occasionally a new one still filters in. I did some serious repression and denial throughout my life. I tried to put the girl in a box and forget about her. I succeeded for over twenty years.

But I like to share what happened to me in case others feel alone in their problems. Sometimes what I went through is worse than others, sometimes it's the other way around. But I like people to know that this kind of thing happened. My parents always tried to sweep things under the rug and pretend that we were all a normal family like on TV. It wasn't like that and I like to show people that more families are dysfunctional than normal and that they are not alone. By exposing these things, maybe we can stop them from happening to others.

[Guest]

15 hours ago, Cindy Truheart said:

I want to share this so that you understand you aren't alone. I'm the same way, albeit I'm married to a woman now and not dating anyone. This is an excerpt from the book I'm writing that tells my life story.

" But when this man handed me a magazine from the rack to show me the picture on the cover, his hand touched mine and it lingered. This is the first time I experienced something I call “shutdown”. It’s a mental block in my head that happens whenever I am attracted to a man and it literally shuts me down. I have no feelings either way about people, it’s like all emotion is drained from me and I feel absolutely nothing. I don’t feel love, hate, envy, rage, sexual attraction, desire, compassion, or even empathy. It’s the same response I get when I am confronted with conflict. You see, in my mind, I’m about to be attacked. A mental switch is flipped and I no longer feel anything, it’s the thousand yard stare all over again and I’m ready to live or die and I don’t care either way. This is what I learned in school when the bullies and their cohorts tricked me, then humiliated and attacked me. This guy sensed something was off, I could tell, and I never saw him again after that evening. "

When I used to get overly nervous or anxious, my stomach would just boil. Once I started E, that stopped and now if I get really nervous or anxious, it's like my head is hit with a force field. just inside my head. Everything feels and sounds very strange for a second.....  

[Cindy Truheart]

6 hours ago, Fiona said:

When I used to get overly nervous or anxious, my stomach would just boil. Once I started E, that stopped and now if I get really nervous or anxious, it's like my head is hit with a force field. just inside my head. Everything feels and sounds very strange for a second.....  

Not me. Being nervous, anxious, or stressed just ramps up my anger. I wasn't allowed to cry, to be sad or to really have a chance to deal with things. I could be angry though. They allowed that.

E has made me able to cry. I couldn't before.... at all. Unless it was something major like a death of someone close. And then I would be overwhelmed by the emotion to the point of being unable to speak or even have a coherent thought. Everything was bottled up until I had "permission" to let it all out, and then it was a flood.

I still need to deal with it among other things. Just another part of my journey.....

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Cindy Truheart said:

 Was Not me. Being nervous, anxious, or stressed just ramps up my anger. I wasn't allowed to cry, to be sad or to really have a chance to deal with things. I could be angry though. They allowed that.

E has made me able to cry. I couldn't before.... at all. Unless it was something major like a death of someone close. And then I would be overwhelmed by the emotion to the point of being unable to speak or even have a coherent thought. Everything was bottled up until I had "permission" to let it all out, and then it was a flood.

I still need to deal with it among other things. Just another part of my journey.....

I totally hear you, sweetie. 

When I started therapy, I began to really open myself up. Chronic crying, because I wasn't allowed to cry before. I was a fairly sensitive person, but E has definitely made me more sensitive and more able to cry. 

Actually, my wife isn't too happy my new found sensitivity. But we're workin it out.