My non-binary Story

[Imaginary Spiders]

Hi so I've got a pretty long story. My hope in this is to help people to understand that when it comes to gender that their are more than two choices. It can be very stressful trying to fit into a box when you're not really meant to. I've shared a lot of my trans story in the past. So I have some intersex features which has influenced my outlook on things. by age 4 I felt that I was female though I was assigned male at birth. My mind always dwelled on that fact. I long overlooked the fact that I never really felt that I fully fit in with men or women. I kind of fit in with women, but I'm still sort of in my own world when it comes to gender. So I was a closeted trans person for over 20 years. I went through great suffering as a person and at many times could barely function if at all. I began my cross-dressing at age 13 because at that point my ultimate dream was to be just like the other teenage girls.

So I went through a long series of patterns of trying hard to be man and not being able to do so and having to cross-dress. So eventually things got too hard to bare. I went through a rough year or two. In early 2015 I began to experience really bad anxiety like never before and failed several classes and almost got kicked out of college. I was at the point a few times where I almost gave up. In the middle of all of that in July of 2015 I came out to myself as trans. I finally got the nerve to come out as being a woman in January of 2015 to my mother. Right from the beginning things still didn't feel right. My plan was to just come out get some clothing and some makeup and maybe pursue hormones and then I would be a woman. I began to feel as though I had made a mistake in coming out. I was starting to really wish I was neither male nor female and though that was crazy.

Then in another forum someone told me about the concept of non-binary. Non-binary as I define it is not identifying exclusively as male or female. I found out at that point that I was not obligated to just be male or female, that I could be myself. I am not always really that sure about my gender. Sometimes I feel that I am female other times I feel that I don't really have a gender. Sometimes when I feel that way I express myself as gender neutral, sometimes feminine. I am in particular attracted to feminine gender neutral things. Upon several occasions I have considered the possibility that I am gender fluid. By April of 2016 I had come out as both trans and non-binary to both parents and eventually as someone who may be gender fluid. It has been an extremely rough process. The last semester I went out wearing subtle feminine clothing for the first time and am slowly gaining the confidence to let people see who I am.

Also along the way I discovered that people tend to hate non-binary people even more than they do trans people. There are even some trans people that do not treat us well which absolutely angers me. I've had trans women tell me there was something wrong with me because I don't want to do stereotypical things to transition to female. Basically for me being female is just a feeling. It doesn't matter what you do or how you look. That is what I think attracted me to it, because it allows me to not have to feel just one way and to not try to be just one way, it is a way for me to be myself. Along the way I became a sort of an activist for non-binary people, fighting for people's rights to have their own unique gender identity. For me being trans and non-binary isn't about passing and all of that, but about protecting the rights of others and it has become my greatest passion.  

[TexasLibraryLady]

Thank you for your story. I have to admit that while I know a couple non-binary people, I find the idea almost as hard to understand as I imagine most people do to understand feeling transgender. I guess because I'm still part of the binary. 

[tracy_j]

I can relate well to that. It is only a short while ago that I posted on another thread saying that it was easier to be a woman than some state inbetween. Funnily as time goes on I find I can wear my female clothes (we are talking typically jumper and jeans here but does include leggings and feminine boots ie a feminine look) and be generally accepted well even though still often being regarded as male. The context of a situation appears to be the decider. In fact one of my biggest problems these days is fitting in the binary world as it is sometimes not easy for me to make decisions. For instance I can be seen as male one minute and female the next so for, for example, a decision on which bathroom to use can be tricky. The biggest glare I have had as yet has been in a gender neutral facility by a disabled person. These are usually dual function, and some disabled people can get very self rightious in my experience - ie not for the non-disabled. I prefer not to use them.

I find it really seems to come down to confidence. I just tend to go along with a situation and just be me.

My experiences does lead me to agree with the statement that people tend to hate non-binary people even more than trans people. I think it comes down to very few people understanding. Many who have asked me, on my travels, have expected me to transition. They look confused when I explain. Society in the west is now more generally accepting trans people (with obvious exceptions). The binary state of society will take a bit longer.

Tracy

[Cindy Truheart]

I was fortunate enough to meet a non-binary person at my first support group meeting. I learned a lot from them by just being in the same room! And I have seen some of the hate for non-binary in the trans community, it shocked me. Just as it shocked me to learn that there are lesbian groups out there that hate trans-women and are working to help pass bathroom laws. All this hate makes me sad. I don't understand why people can't just realize that we can all be different and still be loving, caring, and productive members of society.

[Charlize]

I am sorry Spiders, not that you are non-binary but because acceptance is so difficult in this society.   I've been fortunate to have "simply" been able to transition.  I live my life perceived as a woman.  Inside i still am to a great extent a man.  Years of training and life have certainly left their mark.  At first i tried to push that aside but i've gotten to the point of embracing the fact that i'm simply me.  To some extent that is also non-binary despite how the world sees me.  That was the case when they saw a male and it is no less the case now that i'm seen as female.  Perhaps to an extent we are all non-binary and maybe that's why society likes to assign and take our and their stress away.  Protecting a persons rights to be equal regardless is certainly a wonderful priority.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Imaginary Spiders]

many of you referred to things that come to my mind. First I personally believe that we are all in someway non-binary, but are rarely able or allowed to admit this fact due to the continuing endurance of the gender binary. I've spoken to a lot of people online who seem to be very acceptant of trans people. However they all have their own private image of what a trans person should be like. Whenever I reveal to these people that I am a "different kind" of trans person they usually turn on me and attack me. I've actually had trans women due this to me. One trans woman told me that I need to seek a therapist immediately because I don't feel like just sticking a label upon myself. She went on to tell me that my feelings of being non-binary is just dysphoria and that a therapist would convince me of being the "woman that I am". However, being sort of a non-binary trans woman has given me the most confidence so far and I have pretty mild dysphoria. Basically for me I think being non-binary is the result of my inability to fully understand or fully relate to gender though I am likely an expert in gender theory. Gender just seems so imaginary to me though I do relate to women and have similar interest and would like to more feminine and so forth.

 

[TexasLibraryLady]

I think it's great that we have more options now, but I feel it tends to confuse the general public. People have been exposed longer to the ideas of transsexuals, crossdressers, and drag and it's easier to separate them. Genderqueer, genderfluid, nonbinary, agendered are all pretty new and tend to have a lot wider range of meaning, as I feel people experience those differently.