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"So how long have you been..."


Dakota16

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Earlier today I went to Walmart, in normal mode, to pick up a few things. (I know, I know...I mention Walmart often, but it's the closest store to our house :) )

While waiting in the checkout line, a young woman behind me pipes up. "Are you transgender?"

I turn around to see who would be so blunt and recognize her as one of the store employees who has seen me in both modes, so I didn't think much about it when I said that I'm a trans woman.

She smiles at me and nods before saying "cool! How long have you been transgender?"

I started to say "since July," but then it occurred to me that July was when I decided to come out and start putting the internal struggles to an end. I did say "since" but caught myself before "July" came out next, and ended up pausing for a split second while I gave her the real answer.

"Since the earliest times I can remember. I just recently started doing something about it."

While walking back to my car, the truth of my reply registers with me. This isn't something where I woke up one day and said "I'm going to start being a woman today." I've always been Dakota. I just fought off my feminine tendencies growing up because of other things going on, but she was there for so many things: playing with my sister's dolls with or without her; wanting ear rings because the girls around me had them; preferring to hang out only with other girls; and other areas of my life. I thought I had her quashed when I acted the way I appeared to everyone else. But I still felt her stirring when I tried things for the first time: trying women's clothes in high school; painting my nails after my now ex-wife did one to see if she liked the color; buying my first two pairs of women's jeans, and so on. I tried pushing her back again when I met my wife and became a parent, but after seeing how accepting my in-laws are to everyone I couldn't keep fighting myself anymore. I needed to do something before I fell apart. It was time to accept my identity and start showing that I'm a woman deep down.

But then it occurred to me that this young woman's question brought to light what could be a misconception. From the outside, we just start changing. They don't see what we go through on the inside unless we share it with them. I started to figure out that all of us (or at least the vast majority), based on the individual stories, blogs, and books that I've read so far, have had the same thing happen. Regardless of our identities, we all either knew our bodies didn't match or slowly became aware of it over the course of our lives. Most of us had to have dealt with internal struggles while figuring out who we were beyond what everyone else saw and felt about us.

Being trans* is so much more than what it appears to be on the surface. It isn't about trying to fit in or changing ourselves just because it suits us. It's about how we feel about ourselves and staying true to who we are regardless of what others think. We risk a lot to be our true selves: friendships/relationships, family, jobs, and public opinion just to name a few. The public sees what we do externally, but they'll never know our stories or struggles unless we share those things with them. 

I'm fortunate to have a relatively smooth time so far. I've had a negative experience or two, but I'm not letting it deter me. But the next big step is coming soon when I'll be out to work and my own family. But regardless of how they react, I'm still intending to stay true to who I am and continue to transition into and live as Dakota...the person I really am.

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  • Admin

You have had a great day of some very important learning about yourself and the condition of Gender Dysphoria.  Yes, it is a misconception that we have a point in time where we "decided to become Trans*" and your reaction is an excellent way of letting the person know about how Trans* folk evolve in life.

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  • Forum Moderator

That was very well stated, Dekota. I wish I could have stated it so eloquently to my then best friend when I came out to him. Not sure that it would have changed the outcome though.

It's easy to give an off handed response like, "I've been transgender for X # of years, because that's when we finally conceded to the fact of being trans. One of my earliest memories as a very young child was wanting to be a girl. My best answer to that question is that I've been trans since I was born. I just put Carla in a cage after high school.

This thread got me thinking, and I think I've finally broken my "writer's block" with regaurd to how to write my coming out email to my last sister. She's potentially going to be the tough one. Wow, you never know the collateral ways a post can help!

 

Lots of love,

Timber Wolf?

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Very nicely stated.  One of the ways i knew i wasn't somehow fooling myself was to look back at my history.  By the time i went to a gender therapist i knew pretty well that it wasn't going away!  Accepting that and accepting a path that i knew would be painful wasn't easy.  It certainly wasn't a momentary realization and change.  Glad you can feel so free in being honest to a cis stranger.  You are helping them as well as yourself.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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That was the first crack in my denial, it wasn't just a phase....:) . I tried explaining this to my family, that it was something I've always dealt with. I just hid it since I was a 9 year old borrowing my mom's clothes. 

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You handled that well :)

It happens as we do seem to change 'in a moment'. I think that is why the less someone knows us the less the issue with change, or at least that is my experience. A few people have wanted to know with me. I used to visit many people in their homes when at work and they obviously noticed - could hardly fail to. I was never unhappy with people asking, but with professional detachment it was really part of the job, or at least that was the way I viewed it even if it were not really (with long term care things do get more personal). Close friends and family are a far greater hurdle! I have yet to have any of them understanding fully but at least some acceptance is there.

Tracy

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5 hours ago, Charlize said:

Very nicely stated.  One of the ways i knew i wasn't somehow fooling myself was to look back at my history.  By the time i went to a gender therapist i knew pretty well that it wasn't going away!  Accepting that and accepting a path that i knew would be painful wasn't easy.  It certainly wasn't a momentary realization and change.

Yes, very nicely done! And this is something that I keep doing, reminding myself of my past. After having put this in a box for twenty years, I occasionally have my doubts about whether I'm fooling myself or if I'm mistaken somehow. All I have to do is remember my childhood and all doubt melts away.

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When I was very little, I knew that I should have been a girl.  I tried on my mother's and grandmothers clothes on in secret.  It is only recently when I started doing something about it.  I wish I would have started much sooner in my life, but I have always been too afraid to.

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3 hours ago, Khoriilya said:

When I was very little, I knew that I should have been a girl.  I tried on my mother's and grandmothers clothes on in secret.  It is only recently when I started doing something about it.  I wish I would have started much sooner in my life, but I have always been too afraid to.

I know what you mean, I'm 41 and I wish I'd started when I was 19! But instead I was afraid and repressed. However, I'm not afraid anymore, or at least not afraid enough! So I'm going to finally live my life the way I know I should have been all along! Better late than never!

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On 1/30/2017 at 11:32 AM, Charlize said:

One of the ways i knew i wasn't somehow fooling myself was to look back at my history.  

Me too. I've spent my life moving from one thing to another, one hobby to another and I really worried this was another 'thing' or hobby. But searching my memories backwards, I knew I'd had these feelings forever.......

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10 hours ago, Fiona said:

Me too. I've spent my life moving from one thing to another, one hobby to another and I really worried this was another 'thing' or hobby. But searching my memories backwards, I knew I'd had these feelings forever.......

Same here Fiona, I wasted so much money jumping from one thing to the next to the next and on and on! Always searching, and never finding, until now!

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On 2/2/2017 at 6:55 PM, Cindy Truheart said:

I know what you mean, I'm 41 and I wish I'd started when I was 19! But instead I was afraid and repressed. However, I'm not afraid anymore, or at least not afraid enough! So I'm going to finally live my life the way I know I should have been all along! Better late than never!

My thoughts exactly! I regret waiting until 41. I had no idea how happy the decision to start coming out has made me.

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Don't feel bad ladies, I started at 61.  Like they say about the best time to plant a tree, it was either years ago or today.  You're on your way now.  Don't harbor any regrets, just enjoy your life! 

Jani

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