Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Letting self doubt win the day...


Guest Jamie61

Recommended Posts

Guest Jamie61

Friends,

I share this with you not for pity ( I've already drowned in my own), but to encourage others to keep their chin up and stay true.

Love, jamie

 

I spent the week attending a series of meetings for my company. A very large gathering of colleagues from across the nation. All staying in one resort location. Since I started in the early 1980's it is possible for me to know people from all 50 states.  Each night featured various dinner/social events designed to allow people to network and enjoy themself.  While many meetings were decidedly awkward for me, as I often found myself seated alone with empty space around me.  The social aspects of the evenings felt even more isolating.  Even some people who I  know to be part of the LGB community would softly avoid me. I discovered that to this immense gathering, I am a bit of a pariah. There were a few bright spots, but also several low spots, where people I've know for decades, would avoid, shun, or rudely dismiss me. 

As the week progressed I began feeling increasing depressed as I started drifting towards avoiding interaction. In meetings, I was attentive and I did contribute, as I made sure I 'did my job' so to speak.

By the final evening, I was lacking in self-confidence and missed a great opportunity to enjoy myself. I had planned to wear a really nice dress, which fit me well and looked fantastic. But I allowed my own self doubt to dictated the evening. I felt more out of place then ever as the dress remained hanging in my room. I wasn't myself and a horrible sense of self betrayal descended over me.

This weekend has been a time of self reflection and release of some of the pent up emotion as I process.   I'll cannot go back and change that last evening, but I am determined to learn from this.  I should have kept my chin up and taken advantage of opportunity to enjoy the moment that I am in.  And while I am proud of myself for not losing my composure,  I just wish I hadn't let my self down. I should have worn that dress!

Take care and be you,

jamie

 

Link to comment

I don't know what to say except *hugs*! I know what you must have been feeling, I've been there myself albeit in a different situation and at a different age. And you are right, all that we can do is hold our head high and refuse to let other people's petty ignorance ruin a good time!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Jamie, I'm sorry the trip was not as successful as you had hoped for.  Unfortunately we cannot know how others will treat our presence and it seems you were expecting a more supportive time.  I wish I was close to give you a big hug.  I will offer this.  You didn't let yourself down, you showed up and did your part as you were expected to do.  It was the others that let you down, especially those in the LGB community.  Admittedly I only know Jamie from what you've written here, and I know her to be a caring and thoughtful person who is full of life.   Don't ever lose sight of that.  The others at the event lost out on an opportunity to know this.

Jani      

Link to comment
Guest Jamie61

Thanks you two!  I think you are right In that I was expecting a little more support from others. good discussion and I hope others can benefit from my situation and your feedback.

You live and learn!

Link to comment
Guest LesleyAnne

You actually did hold your head up high.....You saw the whole thing through! 

 In my humble opinion you've earned the right to proudly say "I didn't cut and run!" 

 

Link to comment

I am going to my organization's annual conference later in early spring. First time for  a lot of things (air travel, seeing members, etc., etc.) as myself . I am kind of hopeful, most of the members will not know I am trans--a few long time clients do though. They did wish me well.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I have no doubt you will do well.  Look how far you've come and where you are now!

Jani

Link to comment
  • Admin

Even my most supportive LGB friends have not warmed up to me just because I am T, unless they knew other Trans* folk for a while.  Members of the LGB crowd can get the sexual orientation thing, but our condition is not about choosing a partner, but is rather about how our body is seen by the world.  LGB folks have the same problem there that Cis-Hetero people do in regard to us. They just do not know how to react or see us as one of their own tribe.

I have been fully out for about 8 years now and I can come across as "just a woman" in most places, but I have had to work on it.  I do have lesbians who get interested in me from time to time and we chat and I have danced with a few.  I have a whole group of Gay "Big Brothers" who have been open and sweet to me, but that happens with time and has taken education for them.

Wearing the dress was your call, and there are days from the past I know I blew it that way too.  I have lived long enough to make up for some of it and you will too.  Big hugs.  Maybe next time you can get Corporate HR to let you do a special session on welcoming TG people in the organization, and I bet your ratings will sky rocket.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Jamie i think you did just fine and  time will chase that fear away.  I will never forget the feeling i had one day shortly after coming out to my family and going full time.  I was working around the barn when a truck came down the drive.  My first reaction from years of fear and guilt was to run into the barn to hide.  My stomach was in a knot.  Somehow i came out into the sunlight and asked the driver what they wanted.  He was there to buy some maple syrup.  I did the sale and somehow had survived.  Amazing, the world was still ok.  Time has been a great medicine and today the thought of hiding is no longer a part of me.  Your not alone in your fear and won't be alone in having it disappear.  Hang in there we've got your back.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment

Hhmmm….For myself, this was a very intriguing thread.  So I will not seem insensitive, I will state that I am sorry that the OP had a disappointing experience.

From the amount of disclosure given, it’s difficult to analyze the factors that possibly contributed to the described social experience being less than satisfactory.  I suspect that the experience was not secondary to some sort of rampant transphobia in the organization; if that were the case, I would think that the local work/office environment to be a difficult one, too.  I do think sometimes that there are times when one has just too much history in a particular setting to transition in place, without rending the social fabric too greatly or too disruptively.  In a nationwide gathering, I’m wondering if perhaps the bonds of acquaintanceship were just too tenuous for out-of-state associates to “comfortably recognize” someone known to them in another guise; certainly, it can be uncomfortable to see a radical difference in someone that we assumed that we knew.  The OP has stated that she was something of a pariah at this gathering; I will assume that her character is such that she was not viewed as such prior to transitioning.  Nonetheless, it certainly wouldn’t be my expectation that gender-transition would result in one being loved (i.e., philos/agape) by those who hadn’t loved the transitioner prior to transition. 

Sometimes I wonder if less than satisfactory social interactions are not the result of a stigma (which I would differentiate from  actual “transphobia) attached to or associated with the whole topic of gender-transition (& perhaps a few other things as well)?  Like the vast majority of us here, I have read a few books and articles on gid/gd, and I have seen references and anecdotes about such stigma attaching itself to friends, family, and associates of a ts/tg individual.  [I have actually read some reports about ts-/tg-associated stigma even attaching itself to so-called “gender-therapists” and other professionals whose practice included a disproportionate amount of transgendered individuals.  I suspect that such stigma (& not “transphobia”) may be why a lot of mh & other medical professionals choose not to accept ts/tg patients/clients into their practice (i.e., to do so can negatively impact them financially).]  Certainly in an environment where some folks aren’t known to one another very well (or not at all), there could be great risk of stigma if one were to appear too friendly to someone who is known/suspected to be in the midst of a gender-transition.  Too friendly or effusive interactions could conceivably affect one’s chances for advancement in the company, or negatively impact one’s financial security in circumstances where business-clients are concerned (esp. in situations where monetary-commissions are a part of one’s compensation package).

Again, very intriguing thread.  I am sorry that the OP’s resort experience wasn’t as pleasant as hoped.   I’m certain that the referenced dress is quite lovely and it is a shame that she didn’t get to wear it, but there will likely be other occasions.  [Besides….the whole gender-identity thing is not really, really about fashion & sartorial style.  One can express who they are in so many additional ways, which I’m certain that the OP did acceptably well, both professionally & personally.]

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

P.S.  I read in one post the suggestion that one might get the company’s HR-department to allow the OP to do some sort of presentation on the topic of gender-transitioning individuals.  I have certainly heard of such psycho-educational presentations being done in business environments, but HR-departments seem to prefer to contract such things out to a professional of some flavor (e.g., mh or legal).  Probably some good reasons for not laying such a responsibility onto the company’s  employee.  [Personal anecdote:  As stated in another thread, it never occurred to me to involve HR where I worked.  Interestingly enough though… my  boss did suggest to me that I do a presentation at a forthcoming staff meeting; I think we had close to a hundred or so folks working in our department.  I refused the suggestion, stating that I considered it to be quite unnecessary.]

Link to comment
Guest Jamie61

Thanks everyone for your support and for sharing your experience.  Marcie I'm am hoping you have a great trip!  I relate to all the 'firsts' you will encounter.  Like you Charlize, I know I've come a long way, I just need to keep that in focus.  What an amazing journey!

love you all!

proud of you!

jamie

 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   7 Members, 0 Anonymous, 88 Guests (See full list)

    • Susan R
    • Lydia_R
    • April Marie
    • Adrianna Danielle
    • Mmindy
    • SamC
    • Ivy
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      769.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,055
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Luna29
    Newest Member
    Luna29
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. ciara
      ciara
    2. Jamieleann
      Jamieleann
      (62 years old)
    3. Lukey19252
      Lukey19252
      (22 years old)
    4. Maye
      Maye
      (66 years old)
    5. Spirefreedom
      Spirefreedom
      (21 years old)
  • Posts

    • EasyE
      Welcome to the forums! Writer and graphic artist (and photographer) here as well, though most of my life has been spent in the sports realm... bless you with three teenagers!! I have two and they are a handful ... I have found a lot of encouragement and help on this forum... Hope you do as well... Blessings on your journey ahead ...    Easy
    • EasyE
      During COVID lockdowns without any place to go, some neighborhood buddies and I would play Life for hours (imagine a bunch of middle aged men playing that game, it was a hoot - all sorts of 'house rules')... anyways, as much as I could get away with it, I would choose a pink peg to represent myself... sometimes even had a female name to go with it... this was before I even really pondered whether or not I was trans ...   I was very determined to do this ... so interesting to look back and see all the threads pointing me to where I am now, though it has come as such a surprise as well...   Easy    
    • EasyE
      Thank you all for the helpful responses... I realize some of HRT is for mental health -- like I said above I really am enjoying the ride so far in that regard!   Guess there is a part of me that wants to have my cake and eat it too. I want to have a nice feminine shape within reason for my age (fat distribution - you can kick in whenever you want!!). Yet, I am still not out to family, so I want it to be subtle enough as I go along that I can cover tracks when necessary ... Not the ideal situation but it is what it is ... maybe when family realizes that this is not making me into a monster, they will come around to some of it. I can hope, right?   More and more, I just want to look in the mirror and see a female body staring back at me ... I want female clothing that I put on to look like it fits me to a T... (and by T, I don't mean testosterone, lol)...    EasyE    
    • Mmindy
      Good morning to you @KymmieL from the Eastern Time Zone where it early afternoon. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Justine76
      Welcome to WA! Seattle and the Capital Hill neighborhood in particular have many LGBTQ+ friendly establishments. Seattle Trans Pride 2024 is June 28th ;)  
    • missyjo
      Agree, April you always look so stylish  bravo dear   maddee, do you have furry friends too? aren't they adorable? they've generated a lot of smiles.   Ashley always looking cute   daisy print skirt with white floral blouse over pink lingerie. typing today n maybe movie tonight   hugs
    • Mmindy
      Good afternoon M.A.   Welcome to Transgender Pulse Forums, I think you'll find that there are a lot of us who had their first therapist reconsidering our story and recommended us to gender or LGBTQIA specific therapist. I made my first therapist cry after asking me what was my worst experience or memory. She was not prepared for the can of worms I brought to the couch. My second therapist is a gem, she's my age and knows how to work with my thoughts.    My two kids were also involved in the arts programs in school one in theater, the other combined art and modern music.   Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated,    Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋  
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Welcome.   This can be a good sounding board and a place to say things you otherwise could not. Be yourself. Find out what that is.   Abby
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I'm wearing a white t shirt and jeans.  The t-shirt is softer than a man's and slightly girly.  Feeling kinda pretty.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      That's very common in internet forums and it is hard not to take it personally sometimes.   You might post "bump" with a smiley face to bring it to the top of the stack, or you might use the @ feature if there are certain people you would really like to have comment on it, and say something like Dear Abby, I would really like your input on this.  Please take a minute and respond.  Thanks!!!
    • Mmindy
      The same for me... That's exactly were MmIndy came from. I started choosing female skins as soon as they became available in the few games I played.   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • FinnyFinsterHH
      I recently made my own packer, it only a sock but is there any recommendation for brands to buy when i can gain acess to actual one? My euphria has never been better but only able to do in private.   
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Amazed my relationship with my boyfriend is going well.He is the first guy that has shown he loves and accepts me for who I am.My 2 friends from my Army years came up this morning and did meet him as well.Both said he is a keeper.We have a good friendship that is tight.I credit them for convincing me to come out 21 years ago,saw I had a secret that I was bottling up that needed to come out
    • Mmindy
      Something else I noticed @Ladypcnj Since I use the Unread tab, I don't see threads I've read again until someone replies to it, or the author adds something.   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      Good morning @Ladypcnj   Some posts get lost in the busy times here. It also maters how people navigate the site. Some only look at their notifications, or tap the All Activity tab which shows them thread they've commented on. (how I see it)... I on the other hand use the Unread tag under Activity. I don't think people ignore post as much as they get caught up reading threads they've already been active in.   Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...