Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

New to this site


Dani1983xxx

Recommended Posts

I've experimented and crossdressed since  I can remember. I'm at peace with myself and just want a conversation  with no pressure for anything more. This site seems to be a fresh of breath air. I don't  understand what I am. All I can say is I don't  conform to anything in this world and that's  me. I was born a man and happy with that. I don't  have a female alter-ego. I picked my screen name after hundreds of attempts to find one that hasn't  been taken.. some days I just want to dress feminine other days I need to be a man and most days i mix the two. I've got great legs and a skirt works as well as trousers do. Many times I've thrown away everything I own and over time built it back up. I can't  help myself I need to dress. It is a need and not a hobby. It's  not a fetishism either. When I don't dress I seem to lose a part of myself and become emotionally dead and withdrawn. I am happy in my monogamous heterosexual  relationship and I'm  definitely  not tempted by men or other women. We are lovers and soul mates and she supports me and knows everything.  I'm  just here because I'm  hoping to find a place in the world i can be me (albeit a cyber world). It's  somewhere out of the house where my feminine  appearance is confined. I've  never tried to be convincing I just enjoy ladieswear as well as mens x

Link to comment

I feel I should add more. The truth is I've  been suicidal since my first attempt at 8 years old. The live chat feature on here won't  work and all I do is survive each day at a time. I've  had a few people see my post and not replied. I feel pointless in this world. I don't  add to it or take away anything. I've always worked and occasionally I earn enough to pay tax. When you feel worthless it's hard to get out of bed let alone the front door to face a job you hate. All I've ever wanted is a friend. In the past I've met people that are friends till they reveal what they really want and by the time I've realised I'm nothing but a sex object and it's been to late and I've had to live with those memories of being so vulnerable that I even let a man have his way with me and he abused me. I was so distressed I didn't know what I was doing. He had me and I didn't  have the strength to cry out or even push him off. I sank inside myself and juse waited for it to end. I've felt sick every time I think of it since. I let him strip and kiss me and feel it wasn't all his fault. I lead him on and I got what I got, he even kept my underwear when he left. I feel so sick when I think of it and it's been something else that's been hard to live with. I put it to the back of my mind. I really wished the live chat would work on my phone. All I want is a friend for conversation. My first post was me trying to be upbeat but I just want a reply to the conversations confined to my head. Sorry if this too heavy.... I was hopingy first post would generate a hello at least. Sorry 

Link to comment
  • Admin

Welcome to the Playgound Dani --  I think we can do what you are asking for in your first letter, and you posted the second as I was beginning to type this Welcome post.  Everybody's posts here must be approved by a moderator before they show on the Forum and from the timing you show, the moderators in your area had probably just signed off, and the ones in my part of the globe just getting started.  I apologize for it happening that way, but very much welcome.

The event that you talk about in the second post is serious, and I would recommend that you find counseling IRL close to home.  That is a terrible burden to carry by yourself and you do not have to do it. 

Link to comment

I keep saying I'm not gay and it's not something I need to prove or even a big deal to me. It's just something intersex clothed people face and it's tiring. I was juiend. st so overwhelmed someone on the planet liked me that I embraced the moment and realised I wasn't actually needing this kind of attention.... I definitely know now that I'm not homosexual. I used to say I wasn't gay or straight I just loved a person for their soul. But now I know I like a woman's intimacy  and man's time as a platonic friend. Sorry for seeming attention seeking and demanding a reply I was just having a moment of panic being alone again. And I really am sorry for pressuring for a reply. I'm usually comfortable but today I just had a flashback and panicked I was there again. Thank you for replying you really have made my day. 

Link to comment
  • Admin

We do take our members here seriously Dani in all senses of the word, and I am glad that with a -8 hour difference in our times I was able to pick your post up when I did.  I am glad you are OK, and I do get the flashback there.  You are not alone, and there will be others here who can affirm that when and as they get here in their days.

Link to comment

Welcome to the Playground.  There are plenty of nice folks here, and I have made several friends.  Many of us have had suicidal issues as well.  Yeah, I also know what it is like to be taken advantage of in a date rape situation, not nice indeed.  Not your fault either.  Once you have five posts you can pm folks.  I haven't been to the chat, but that might be helpful for quicker responses.  It is still morning over here in California, still sipping coffee.  

hugs,

Stephanie

Link to comment

A pm would be amazing. I'm so jelous that you're in california and I'm  not. I would love to feel the sunshine over there. The thing is I froze and couldn't say no and i tried to pus hI'm off. Because I let him undress me and didn't  say no I still feel it is my fault. I dream about it and I'm screaming silently but cant actually make a sound as hard as I'm trying. Nothing can change the past I just wished I could forget it. I'm fine when I'm busy. To a degree I thought I might of needed stitches but the bleeding stopped and was to ashamed and embarrassed  to see someone at the time. I would of bead to death so it could of been worse I suppose. I try and learn from mistakes and take positives away from any situation. 

Link to comment

Hi Dani, and welcome to Laura's. You will find there are those of us here who can relate at least to one degree or another. My story that is like yours came at the hand of someone close to me when I was very young. I don't know if you have the resources for it, but I do suggest finding a therapist if you can. It's a hell of a thing to go through without one, I can tell you that.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hello Dani and welcome to Laura's.  Thanks for finding us.  I'm sorry you've had to go through that terrible ordeal but it sounds like you're all right.   This is a nice place to connect to other like minded souls and have a chat.  Please look around and if you have questions don't be shy about posting.  We're here.

Jani

Link to comment

I don't  know if I can speak about it to someone face to face. It's why I was hoping to use the live chat. I got so upset yesterday I can't  remember falling asleep. I'm avoiding alcohol at the moment I don't think I would stop. I have had a sleep and I feel better. I just have so much anxiety when I'm alone do for the day. Thank you for the welcome messages you wouldn't believe how they've lifted my spirit. I think I would of been swinging from the loft. I just keep going into a trance like state and can't  get my head out of the thoughts I have. Almost feel like someone else is in control I'm on a ride I can't stop. I feel brighter after a sleep and your welcome messages thanks it means a lot that someone has taken the time to read and respond. 

Link to comment

Hi Dani, welcome to Laura's! Sleep does help.

When I was in my darker spot I just focused on each day and worked on one thing at a time. I also went to a therapist to help me through it. For me, I really needed it as I had extreme anxiety about coming out to my now ex, family friends and co-workers. I also had the other issue of my gender dysphoria getting to the point I could not live as "him" any longer. I eventually realized I was left with two choices, either transition and possibly wreck every relationship I had or suppress it and be depressed, resentful, and suicidal for the rest of my life.   

I know not the same situation you are in, but I am still here almost 2 years later. Let's just say it has been adventure. Made some new friends, and a new love. It didn't happen over night, it happened gradually. 

 

Hugs,

Marcie

Link to comment

Yes, the "one day at a time" approach is about the only way to deal with things in my opinion. I'm bad for getting into what my wife calls a "negative spiral" where I just keep letting the bad stuff roll around in my head constantly. I work myself up so much that I almost can't function day to day. It's good to stay away from that kind of thing. Talk things out with those you can, but otherwise, try to not dwell on it. It'll only further your depression and make things worse. But also don't ignore your emotions, that is equally bad, you've got to walk the line. And then you need to give yourself some time, forgiveness, and love.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Dani,  My older brother tried to take advantage of me when i was dressed as a child.  I can remember the occasion only too well if i allow myself to go there.  You are not alone so please keep chatting to us here and if you can get to chat, do so.  I have found i have to use Firefox(free) as my normal server won't get there.  Then i have to have the newest free version of Java to enter.   I do it as there is a substance abuse meeting there every Sunday at ( eastern) which is very late on your side of the pond i'm afraid.  Hope to see more of you here.  Just knowing i'm not alone helped me get through a great deal.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment

Thanks for the replies and hugs. I just got rolled up in a dark spot and it seems that's normal. But people that haven't been through it simply can't understand why it can take over your life when your in that dark spot. I've never really had to come out as I've been dressed by my mother since I was young and my first school supported her. I've been lucky in that aspect but its made me vulnerable to sexually predators and I've been left confused between affection and it escalating to abuse. Which is why I find myself in over my head before I realise what's happening. I hate myself for it cause I really do feel it's my fault and I should know better. It's hard to live with the guilt of blaming someone else's actions because I don't know how to say no without them hating me for it. 

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Dani1983xxx said:

I hate myself for it cause I really do feel it's my fault and I should know better. It's hard to live with the guilt of blaming someone else's actions because I don't know how to say no without them hating me for it. 

This person took from you without your consent. They had no regard for you. They only cared about themselves. They treated you like trash.

Just from your posts here I can tell you are a beautiful, wonderful, caring, and compassionate person! What this person did to you was not your fault, not in the slightest! Just because you have a hard time because you fear rejection it doesn't give them permission to take from you!

All transgender people fear rejection for who we are, we face it everyday! But as we learn to accept ourselves, we gain a certain amount of strength, some of us even learn to love who we are! Eventually the rejection of others doesn't hurt as much and we come to realize that we aren't the ones with a problem. The problem is with other people and their narrow minds.

There is nothing wrong with you Dani! You are a wonderful person just the way you are! I hope that one day you come to realize this for yourself. But know that you are accepted and loved here no matter what!

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 268 Guests (See full list)

    • Abigail Genevieve
    • MaeBe
    • Carolyn Marie
    • KathyLauren
    • Thea
    • Ashley0616
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.8k
    • Total Posts
      770.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,095
    • Most Online
      8,356

    MossycupMolly
    Newest Member
    MossycupMolly
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Carli05
      Carli05
    2. CharlotteD89
      CharlotteD89
      (35 years old)
    3. JamieL
      JamieL
    4. Jenny
      Jenny
      (71 years old)
    5. Katek
      Katek
  • Posts

    • MaeBe
    • MaeBe
      First off, you can't regret being honest. You may not be changing the relationship, but it sounds like it still exists!   As for meeting people, what about through the volunteering you're doing? Maybe you can do more of that and meet people. Let some relationships grow and if they blossom into something more than friendship, great! If not, you've got more friends!
    • LittleSam
      Hi Giz, welcome. There's so many different ways to be trans and you're so welcome here. I wish you luck in achieving your goal of being more androgynous. There's forums in here that might suit you and your goals. I look forward to hearing more from you. I go by he/they pronouns at the mo.
    • Lydia_R
      Hello @JenniferB!  Was kind of in the same boat with this.  I spent massive amounts of energy over several decades to try to control my drinking and drug use.  Because I'm highly disciplined, I was ultimately successful.  I felt I could have gone on with controlled drinking for the rest of my life without problems, but it got to the point where I realized that it wasn't worth all the energy I was putting into it.  At that point I found surrender.  I got a sponsor, attended almost daily meetings for a year, worked the steps to the best of my ability, tried my best to socialize with people even though I am an introvert, I made a mess for myself at the meetings and felt a little rejected.  And then I continued on doing a little service work.   After a few months away from it, I'm in a good spot.  I accidentally ate one of my roommates edibles a couple months ago.  I have only smoked a half ounce of weed in the last 20 years.  After it kicked in, I realized that it was a marijuana high.  Then I noticed something miraculous.  I just told myself that there is nothing I can do about it and then got on with the business of the evening like I normally would.  It was like the high just ended right then and there.   Controlled drinking like I was doing was just very risky behavior and not worth the effort for me.  In any case, I'm very happy that I spent my life fighting it all instead of just giving into it.  I think that whatever you put into something, you eventually get back out.   Meetings are cool.  People generally get equal time to share.  Seeing people who are struggling reminds me of the way I was and why I want to remain sober.  And by being there, I have the potential of helping someone else.  The stuff I don't identify with I just do my best to not let bother me.  And if it gets bad there, I don't have to go back.  I can find another meeting or even just read the literature.  The literature helped me a lot.
    • Ladypcnj
      Happiness to me is when I reached a turning point in my life, that I stop worrying what others think about me, and start living my life. 
    • Carolyn Marie
      Very, very true.  The number of murders committed by strangers in 2022 was only about 10 percent, per the FBI.   Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      Courageous film maker, and amazing subjects.  That is an incredible journey to make in so many ways.  Thanks for sharing the link, @Davie.   Carolyn Marie
    • Mmindy
      Good afternoon everyone,   I often wondered why @April Marie and @Willowgot up so early in spite of being retired. Now that I have my own puppy as a house pet I get it. We haven't had dogs since before my oldest granddaughter was born 22 years ago this September. I've always had working hunting dogs, and it was important they became acclimated to the current weather conditions. While the kennels had large outdoor runways, they also had pet passes into the somewhat temperature controlled garage. Yes, they were allowed in the house but only for short periods of time. Fast forward to present time, and I'm potty training a puppy as well as crate training. The first night Parker Von Schwinegruber, slept from 10:30 until 05:30. Last night we went to bed and 10:30 and he started making noise at 05:00. Since I don't want to test his ability to hold his business, we got up and went outside. He took care of business and we went back to sleep. This time he had a dental chew bar and I filled his water bowl. We cat napped until 08:00 and then got up for the day taking him immediately outside. He took care of business, and we played fetch and tug of war with his now favorite puffball. We came in and I put him back in the crate positioned so he could see me cook breakfast. Did he NO HE WENT TO SLEEP! We ate breakfast, did the dishes, and finished off the pot of coffee I brewed at 08:00. Once he woke up we stared at one another for about 20 minutes, because he seemed content to be in the crate. I got up and we worked on some obedience training as well as getting into and out of the crate with permission. We don't want him to crash the gate or any doors we will be going through.   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋  
    • VickySGV
      I have not heard about it here in California, but then again we have events of various sorts going on very often, and not just in the June Pride Month.  We have Trans Fashion Week going on at a hotel complex over in West Los Angeles for the next three nights featuring shows by Trans fashion designers and modeled by Trans and NB people on the runways there.  I missed a chance for some free tickets and while I know and love many of the participants I do not want to pay for the tickets which will be in the $50 to $75 range, and which at those prices are nearly sold out.  (Not to mention $25 valet parking each night at the venue complex.).  There will be actual high end fashion buyers there though and it is an area where we are gaining some good footing.  I also admit that NONE of the fashions are going to be anything at all that would fit my basic personal style but look fine if not crazy on my much younger Trans siblings who will model them. (Ok everyone else keep on @Mirrabooka's topic.)
    • Ivy
      TBH, Never heard of it.
    • Mmindy
      Welcome to TransPulseForums @gizgizgizzie    I hope you find this place as helpful as I do. I’m also in a slow transition living in the androgynous world. I’m out to my grown children and my extended family with mixed support from them. Some have cut me out of their lives and others want me to be their flamboyant family member.    Best wishes, stay positive and motivated    Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Davie
      To escape Gaza is already an achievement. And then to be trans?’: the women defying national and gender boundaries. https://www.theguardian.com/film/article/2024/may/16/yolande-zauberman-documentary-the-belle-from-gaza-cannes-film-festival
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Accidents happen.  So do heat-of-the-moment murders, without premeditation or trans-related hate.  It will take a trial to really figure it out.     One thing we can see from this is that it is people in our circles of acquaintances, friends, and partners who are the ones who usually hurt us.  Not someone random. We have to be careful who we trust.
    • ClaireBloom
      You look so cute in that pic Ashley!  
    • Birdie
      A bit of bra humour...
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...