Hidden me .. I want to feel

[ValSpirit]

So where do I begin. I am 33 years old and from a very young age I felt like I could have more fun and freedom with other girls. I always could feel like I wasn't a boy or guy but I adapted to follow the norm. It was a good way to stop being picked on. 

That started early for me but I had no way to understand me feelings. A neighbor friend who I spent a lot of time with moved when I was in second grade and she was at that time my best friend. It was hard and until 8th grade I really had no other real friends. However I always looked for ways to express my female nature. At times I wound put on my mom's makeup and felt so nice. As I got older I shamefully took some of my mom's clothes and wound wear them. The head to all this was getting on the internet. I could be myself and made a online personality that was responded to like I dreamed. I was female to my online friends at that time.

I even spent 3 years of my high school life playing a female character in a social game everquest. It was so freeing being Valaire in that game. I became friends with other women who played the game. I even got the courage to talk to my mom about my true self. I finally came out to her. It was interesting freedom mixed with being extremely scared. My mom did what I think was the right thing and had me see a therapist. I became ashamed for some reason and backed out. I pushed my inner me away. 

I can skip ahead about10 years and i have a wonderful wife and a home. I fear more than anything now. Every year it's harder to deny my female self. It's harder to think of losing my soul mate because I am not what she wants. I am fearful of looking my job. If I change to the me I want, I could loose have what I have gained and if I don't I fear for my life.  

I drink so much to block the inner turmoil. I know the amount I drink will kill me. I have decided I want happiness and health. I don't see how I can have both. I am going to go back to a therapist. I choose the username valspirt because I think my spirit was first truly let free being valaire on that game. 

I have so much more I want to say but at this point am tearing up. Lol. I thank you for reading. I am allowed to be me here!

[MaryEllen]

Thank you for sharing with us. We understand what you're going through and we'll help you all that we can.

Hugs,

MaryEllen

[Charlize]

Thank you for posting your story.  It is in some ways different than mine but in many ways the same.   I had let my drinking get to a point where it did come close to killing me.  In fact i had flatlined several times before i reached out for help.  Years after getting sober i found this site and read the shares of others and shared  about myself.  I got help here in ways i don't understand just as i had found help with getting sober in AA.  

Therapy was definitely a big help to me. Please know your not alone on your path.  Keep reaching out.  There is support waiting. 

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[tracy_j]

To open up to others brings inner relief and eases stress.

Obviously close friends and family are a tricky subject but a place you find sanctury is a big help. A therapist would be a big help.

We are here with you!

Tracy

[gennee]

Val, I sense that you feel better after posting this. When I started out I created a blog which helped me as I wrote all the things I was feeling inside. You're not alone here. Seeking a therapist knowledgeable about gender will go a long way in helping you sort out your feelings. Welcome to Laura's.

 

[Cindy Truheart]

Hi ValSpirit,

Addiction is a theme many of us share, we all deal with it the best ways we can. I'm still fighting my desire for more alcohol than I should have. I still drink every evening for the most part even though I've brought down the amounts I consume substantially. I will be seeking help soon as we are moving this week to a better area.

Your story is very similar to my own. Including a wife that is my soulmate and everything that is good in my life. We are about three months shy of a year from when I told her, still together and doing good. There have been bad times, lots of crying, lots of misunderstandings, but lots of love as well. I won't say everything will be alright, but I will say that there is hope.

Love and Light darlin'

[ValSpirit]

You are all wonderful for being here and helping. I did a lot of opening up to myself and even to my sister and she is very supportive as well. 

And yes! I feel so much better posting this. I even reached out to a therapist this weekend. The confirmation of knowing i am on the right track was today when i talked to mom about just general stuff (she doesn't know i am still on this path) but she said it was like talking to a different person. Well between honestly opening up here and even talking to friends again on facebook after like 2 years of seriously just ignoring the world. This will be a crazy ride but nothing i can't overcome.