Am i who i am, or who i am not?

[brokenshadows]

i'm not certain how to express my thoughts; my questions; my feelings. My whole life i've hated how i looked. Tall, gangling, and a nose just a little too big for my liking. i've always been jealous of girls, and the clothing they wear. Dresses, and skirts just seemed so freeing to me, and i was envious. Girls got to be pretty; got to smell nice. Girls got to play with dolls, and learn how to do cartwheels. i was stuck with blue jeans, and Old Spice, and toy guns, and scraped knees. i thought that my envy meant i was gay, but i'm mainly attracted to women. How could i possibly want to wear a dress, and make-up? It was abhorrent. It was a sin. My religion told me so.

But then i hit my late teens. My interests shifted from being a "good little church boy," to really questioning my religion. Not just "what if there isn't a god," but really questioning the morality of religion. Questioning the contradictions. Questioning the hypocrisy. My musical tastes shifted as well, as did my clothing choices. i was slipping ever faster towards the dark side. i was becoming what every parent fears. i was a goth.

It was my compromise. i was allowed to wear eye liner, and fingernail polish, and clothing that was just a bit risque. It allowed me a little more freedom, and a little less jealousy. i could look a little pretty, as long as i looked like i'd eat a baby too.

Then i got married. My wife met me during my dark and broody phase, so a little makeup, and some nail polish became the norm. However, the old feelings started to creep back in. i was living with someone now whose wardrobe was a constant reminder that i wasn't supposed to wear blouses, and panties. i wasn't allowed to wear skirts, and flats. 

Then she made me do it. We have always experimented with the sexual side of our relationship. One day she told me to wear a pair of black lacy panties, a bra stuffed with socks, a blue blouse, and whatever pants i wanted to wear. i was supposed to wear them while she was at work. It was a bit of a power dynamic experiment...and i loved every minute of it. i felt comfortable. i raided her makeup box and put on some glittery blue nail-polish, instead of my standard black. i wore the clothing all day.

It hasn't happened again. It's never come up. i don't even think she remembers it. i've not talked about it. i think i'm afraid to.

Some days i hate myself. Some days i just dislike myself. But is that because i'm not who i am? Is it because of my depression, and anxiety disorder (both diagnosed)? Or is my anxiety disorder, and depression rooted in my dysphoria?

Those questions are somewhat hypothetical. i know - or at least i think - that none of you are gender therapists. Hell, maybe i'm wrong on that part. i've been seeing a therapist/doctor pair for over two years now, and i am comfortable talking about absolutely none of this with them. i'm afraid of what they will tell me. i'm afraid of what they won't tell me. Maybe i'm just confused. Maybe i'm a fraud. i know i constantly feel like one, even though the logical part of my brain knows that i have the mental disorders i'm diagnosed with. i still feel like i'm lying to myself, and everyone else. i feel that way in therapy. i feel that way when i'm stuck at home because going outside causes me to hyperventilate, or have a breakdown. i know i'm not faking it, but i feel like i am.

i'm not even sure what i'm expecting from writing all of this down. i know there's no magical gender sorting hat. i know that there's no magic wand to wave over me. No pumpkins turning into coaches. i guess i wanted to write this down, and hope that by the time i got all the way down here, i'd have sorted something out. That didn't happen. i'm still confused.

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Playground.  You are right that none of us on the Moderator staff are Gender Therapists, but even we had our start-up days as well and they were just as bad as you describe your's being. Writing this down does put it out in front of you and puts a line on the ground which you can label "START" and then go on to find yourself.  I am one of the "old timers" but even I have not reached a place that says "finish line" on it and so I stay around here to see what is happening with others and maybe get an idea about myself.  Take a few deep breaths now that you have done this, and read the stories and ideas others have left here.  From what you say about yourself, you are one of our tribe and family here.  Welcome

[Cindy Truheart]

Hello brokenshadows, welcome to Laura's!

You definitely sound as if your story is right in line with many of us! Our inner girl will come out in many different ways and it sounds like your inner girl has been trying to get out for a while. But no, we aren't qualified professionals around here. Being in North Carolina myself I would caution you to find a therapist who isn't affiliated with religion in any way and someone who lists themselves as a sex therapist at the very least. I'm located in the western part of the state, if you are anywhere near I would suggest my former therapist to you. I say former because we are in the process of moving to Colorado to get away from the hate that has been stirred up with HB2 and to have better laws that will protect me at least a little bit.

I also want to let you know that I suffered from a lot of doubt and confusion too. I was diagnosed with depression, PTSD, and social anxiety due to the things I experienced as a child and young adult. I still occasionally doubt, but the confusion is gone and the depression has receded. I've learned things that have helped me with the panic attacks and anxiety as well so that I'm doing much better socially. Don't hate yourself. I made that mistake. You'll only put yourself into a negative loop. You are who you are. You were born this way! And there is NOTHING wrong with you for being who you are!

[Jani]

Hello Brokenshadows and welcome to our world!  First, Cindy is correct in that you shouldn't hate yourself.  Ever.  You are important and there is value in all our lives.  Your story is similar to so many of us so please feel at ease here.  There is no judging or shaming.  We are here to help.  

Jani