Look In The Mirror

[Guest MrAwesome]

Lately, I find myself unable to see my reflection, or any pictures I have of me... from forever, as a girl. I think this is good, a progress, I see myself as a boy 100% I feel like my pics from when I was a little kid are pictures of a little boy that is cross dressed. I sat down and tried to do a self portrait of me, using a pic from when I was in 4th grade, a school picture, and I traced the lines, and played around with it a little bit to make the one side of the face look like the current me --- and then the other side I was gonna draw a picture that still looks like me, but more of a masculine looking face... and to my surprise... all I could draw is the other side of the same face.

It's nice, but still, my dysphoria with the rest of my body is getting worse, and I actually started wearing my binder to bed... (Wouldn't want you to think I was feeling better about it trust me, I'm not! >_<)

So my question is for you guys, what do you see when you look in the mirror? what do you see when you look at your pictures?

[Sally]

I see me, the same me that I have always seen - I have yet to see the woman that others say they see.

It is because of all of the years of denial that keeps me from seeing the real me - others see it but I can't.

You see yourself as male, but can't wait to transition, I would think that it should be easier for you than me, you see yourself as male, you are living as male and people are accepting you as male - that my young friend is about 95% of transitioning!

I am still battling with the fact that I can not begin to live as female for another 12 months or more, I have to see myself as male so much that losing that image when I look in the mirror is almost impossible.

Hopefully when I do start on my hormones, I will begin to relax a bit more and see the same person that everyone else does.

For both of us only time will tell.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Liam]

I look at some old pictures and see a little girl, and in some I see a little boy. Really, though, just me. Being a girl is a part of my history and I'm not ashamed of it. It is a bit odd to look at those pictures, though, and think about how I got from where I was then to where I am now. Now I look in the mirror and see a young man, growing in confidence and strength, and I'm proud.

Careful about wearing the binder to bed. I know how you feel, and it sounds tempting to me, too, but it really isn't good for you to wear it 24/7. Gotta give your lungs a break.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Mr. A.

I see me! Elizabeth... it took 61 years, but I finally see me.

It started about month 4 on hormones. One morning, there I was! I've been there ever since, so I guess I had better get accustomed to it!

Yeaaaaaaaaaaa

that's why I changed my avatar - I see me in my photos now.

Lizzy

[Guest Cody_T]

In the mirror, I see a guy.

In pictures, I see a girl but don't really associate her with myself. I've always been bad with that though; I'm always kind of shocked to realize the person I'm looking at is supposed to be me.

[Guest MrAwesome]

I see me, the same me that I have always seen - I have yet to see the woman that others say they see.

It is because of all of the years of denial that keeps me from seeing the real me - others see it but I can't.

You see yourself as male, but can't wait to transition, I would think that it should be easier for you than me, you see yourself as male, you are living as male and people are accepting you as male - that my young friend is about 95% of transitioning!

I am still battling with the fact that I can not begin to live as female for another 12 months or more, I have to see myself as male so much that losing that image when I look in the mirror is almost impossible.

Hopefully when I do start on my hormones, I will begin to relax a bit more and see the same person that everyone else does.

For both of us only time will tell.

Love ya,

Sally

Thanks, I don't normally see it that way --- I'm 80% there! (I still have to get my name officially changed, the lawyer hasn't gotten back to us. Then I'll be 95% there! ) I can't believe you're not on hormones yet! What have you been doing eating 50lbs of soy a day?! O_O nothing but soy... I thought you already had SRS XD There's no way that's a boy in that pic! O_O You gotta be playing a joke on me... -.- How could you no see a... slightly obese... woman in that pic?!

[Guest MrAwesome]

I look at some old pictures and see a little girl, and in some I see a little boy. Really, though, just me. Being a girl is a part of my history and I'm not ashamed of it. It is a bit odd to look at those pictures, though, and think about how I got from where I was then to where I am now. Now I look in the mirror and see a young man, growing in confidence and strength, and I'm proud.

Careful about wearing the binder to bed. I know how you feel, and it sounds tempting to me, too, but it really isn't good for you to wear it 24/7. Gotta give your lungs a break.

I know I take it off to shower, and I only just started wearing it to bed... sometimes after I get out of the shower I leave it off for an hour or 2.

I personally, don't even REMEMBER back when I was a girl... I get only a few images. When I saw the pics, a lot of them were me in boys clothes, or just normal clothes like shorts and T-shirts, the were androgynous or like were Pink in color. -.- I had my hair short for as long as I can remember. So it's not surprising I think of them like that. I look a lot like my little brother Andrew in some of them. Hence I don't remember being a girl I guess, I remember just being me, a little boy, in ways.

I am ashamed that I ever was female in any way/shape/form. I'm glad you don't feel ashamed of that, it's... healthier.. that way.

[Guest Neuro]

I have always seen myself as a guy. When I see images of my younger self, I think "That's me as a little boy." I always knew who I was, but was rarely allowed to dress it... so I just acted out who I was the best could do. Looked very male when I was younger--now, have to cover more

When I wear my girls clothes and see myself, I think; "These would look so much better on a girl. Why do I have to wear these?" Just something inside telling me, "You don't look like a little girl is supposed to. And it makes you happy? Normally that would be insulting, to hear from people. But you wear it proudly."

It might be a stupid answer, but it is what I think when I see myself. And now that I have started binding my chest better and wearing more androgynous clothes (SOMEDAY will be able to buy mens clothing!!)--It makes me happier to see myself. Once I can wear real men clothing and have some work done--So happy a thought he he~

I hope that someday everyone can see themselves happy for who they are, even if it seems far-off. We can achieve our dreams, someday.

P.S: When I see your icon Mr. A; every time I think how biologically male you look is amazing! It is very incredible. But wearing a binder to bed, even if it is loose; can be damaging to ribs and lungs--hope you be careful with it, yes.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hey Lewis,

In the mirror, I see everything that I don't want to see, the body not feminine enough, the face.. too masculine. Pictures? don't even go there! My pictures are awful.

bernii

[Guest Leigh]

i see a weird slightly androgynous guy with tumor on his chest and puffy lips....

and i need new clothes...

but it does make me uncomfortable. i wish i was looking at something else..

peace&love

your big bro

[Sally]

You need to lose the shame of having been born female, isn't it enough that you hide the shame of being a male when you were perceived as female?

It is time to stop being ashamed and be proud of who you are, the past is but a dim shadow in the flickering light of a single candle, let it go - you can life for the future if you can stop dieing in the past.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Benzrathe]

I see me, the guy who's still a work in progress. But I have to say, I like the progress thus far. =]

Benz

[Guest MrAwesome]

P.S: When I see your icon Mr. A; every time I think how biologically male you look is amazing! It is very incredible. But wearing a binder to bed, even if it is loose; can be damaging to ribs and lungs--hope you be careful with it, yes.

EXACTLY!!! I don't LOOK like a girl! >_< No bodys ever seen me as Female unless they were told that I was... or saw my chest... I always hated it when MOM outed me! T_T Every time I'm called a girl it's like a slap in the face! I'm just so glad that's over now... and soon I'll hopefully be on T! and I can pass as my age!

[Guest Evan_J]

I hate old pictures

I hated em on the day they were took cuz I knew "I looked dressed up like a girl".

I hate em now because I look like a boy who was dressed up to look like a girl and its very sgaming and hurts.And makes me "hate myself" and want to tear up the picture. If I could I would collect every picture everybody ever had of me and tear em up.

When I look in the mirror now -after being on T for the last ...7 months is it?.... I see a good looking guy who I'd like to have have more hair on his face

Oh yeah and "stop wearing the binder to bed".

[Guest leo]

i look in the mirror and dont see myself, just makes me wona break it

[Guest Evan_J]

i look in the mirror and dont see myself, just makes me wona break it

I used to have that "I don't see myelf" feeling Especially in my twenties for some reason. Then it faded into starting to "ignore" the mirror all together. I'd go out at moments looking all kinds of crazy -big piece of lint in my hair or something- because I wasn't lookin in the mirror. Any mirror. I hurt every time I saw "not male". So I didn't look any longer.

Try to stay together emotionally. Just know that it will be over.

[Guest Donna Jean]

I see Donna Jean......

I can't really see "That Guy" anymore...

In old pictures I see some some guy standing next to an airplane....

Not bad looking...and probably smart....and in pain....

Now.....where did I put that cherry red nail polish????

Donna Jean

[Guest julia_d]

I just see me.. looking good, hungover, tired, stressed, happy, sad, worried.. whatever.. it's still me.

Pictures of me as a child don't relate (dug out my divorce papers.. ooo.. look.. 2 complete strangers names!!).. my body is different.. my face is different and my hair is even a different colour.. who is that kid??.. it sure ain't me.

[Guest B.heard]

Mostly I see me now, how I feel but in my kid pic's I can see how badly my mother was trying to girl me up long hair and fluffy clothes >.< yuk I dont know how well I pass its hard to really judge without going up to odd strangers and getting them to make a gender comment seems about 80% if i dont speak and alot less if I do speak >.< even with the fact I have NO moobs now gah.

I have a pic of me in my gallery have a look and judge for ya self I still not sure but T will be kicking in soon and that will help mind and body

[Guest Donna Jean]

Mostly I see me now, how I feel but in my kid pic's I can see how badly my mother was trying to girl me up long hair and fluffy clothes >.< yuk I dont know how well I pass its hard to really judge without going up to odd strangers and getting them to make a gender comment seems about 80% if i dont speak and alot less if I do speak >.< even with the fact I have NO moobs now gah.

I have a pic of me in my gallery have a look and judge for ya self I still not sure but T will be kicking in soon and that will help mind and body

Oh, MY!

You're HOT!

Why didn't you say so sooner?

Nice pic.

You should be proud!

**wipes steam off glasses**

Donna Jean

[Guest julia_d]

behave!!! we are supposed to be spoken for.. or is it "open" relationship time..

I could do with a bit of younger manflesh myself.. but that would be cheating.. and superficial... and and and.. /me tries to find excuses....

[CharlotteW]

I have a pic of me in my gallery have a look and judge for ya self I still not sure but T will be kicking in soon and that will help mind and body

That is NOT a girl! That is a cis-man!

You will be SO HOT with beard stubble and/or a goatee! (yummy....)

Anyway, I had this problem growing up; I didn't know what my face looked like. I mean, I knew my face when I saw it in a mirror cause I was standing there, but I couldn't even readily oick myself out of a photogrpah. It was wierd and I remember people commenting about it. When I hit my teens, the dysphoria was in full swing and I got a full taste of the face: I looked like a girl with short hair. In fact I was relived when the facial hair came in because I looked less like a girl. But I almost always saw a girl staring back at me, and I hated it. Even when I (forced) myself to see a guy in the mirror, it was a very effeminate one. I grew out a beard, and it did help, but a lot of the time, I saw a drag king staring back at me. Just a really ugly drag king. It was exasperating.

This is me three years ago, was it all just in my head, cause I really can't understand how someone can look at that face and say 'guy.'

[Guest kirsty]

Me and the mirror have a bad time with each other at the best of times. I think it all started when I smashed one in temper as a kid. When I look into the mirror these days I just see an unhappy face staring back at me. I don't particularly like myself so looking in the mirror is hard for me.

[Guest April]

For me mirrors can be ok if I pay close attition to what I am doing ..... hehe ..... ok now I know that really sounds stupid but I can explain. For me at everypoint in the day I mentaly see myself in my head, mental pic. of myself so to say. At anytime during the day I can walk up to a mirror and be fine as long as I do 2 things, (1) remenber to mentaly tell myself that what I am fixing to see is different than what the picture in my head is. ( I know this sound really stupid, but trust me it is better for me to do this than what normaly happens if I forget to. Last time I forgot to do this I spent 2 weeks in mass deppresion and even wished I would die. Not very fun at all !!!) (2) If I am doing something like brushing my hair then I look at my hair and not the whole mirror ...... less destracting for me that way. Like I said it really sounds stupid but it really has seemed to help me out greatly.

As far as pictures go, when I see a picture of myself it dose not hardly ever register that that is me atleast at first, just seems to be a picture of some boy or guy in a picture. This is made worse by the fact that I blocked 75% of my childhood, and really only remenber the parts related to me wanting to be a little girl on the outside to match how I felt on the inside.

[Guest Jackson]

Oh, MY!

You're HOT!

Why didn't you say so sooner?

Nice pic.

You should be proud!

**wipes steam off glasses**

Donna Jean

Jeez, and she didn't even say that about me. I'm hurt.

I used to hate looking in the mirror because I was always surprised by what I saw. It's getting better even though I really don't see much of a change. There is quite a bit of change though.

I can't help being impatient. It's only been a little over eight months and I know this is a long long process, but can't it happen a little quicker?

PS -- Man, I've missed y'all.